Grapefruits, the Adventure 4
by AlKaholiK
Summary: Id' like to thank everyone who has supported me and who was a fan of this series down through the years. Thank you, thank you, THANK you!
1. Intro

Disclaimer: I don't own shit.

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Welcome everybody! Welcome to the last installment of the "Grapefruits" series! It's been a nice li'l run but all things must come to an end, ya' know? Our favorite wrestling promoter, Vinnie McMahon has taken his love of alcohol and porn to the next LEVEL! And, as voted upon, this will take place during the attitude era…and it will grow to become a crossover, of sorts. Hope you likey!

* * *

Ok, the year is 2002, Vince is in his high rise office in sunny Miami, Florida. He calls up 12 of his employees—The nWo ("Hollywood" Hogan/Nash/Hall), Trish Stratus, Eddie and Chavo Guerrero, Team Xtreme (Matt/Jeff Hardy/Lita), and DX (HBK/HHH/X-Pac) and has them seated around his wet bar as he makes himself a martini…

* * *

Vince: Ok, you 12 are going to split off…however which way, and get me the latest issue of "Milky Mams" along with a bottle of The Glenlivet! I need one team to go to Japan for this and the other 2 teams should go to London, England and get me the latest edition of "British Bums" and a bottle of Jaegermeister! Any questions?

Eddie: Hey esse…why can't you get that stuff here?

Vince: Well, because I'm a billionaire—and I want to get this stuff internationally. Now you all get going or I'll have your heads! I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! And I like my porn international! Now move your asses!

Hogan: Hold up, brother! What do we get in return? I mean, I'm Hollywood—I need something out of this, dude!"

Vince: Fine, the two winning teams will get to head the inaugural WWE Draft. One team will be acting GM of Raw and the other will be for SmackDown.

_(Hogan nods and waves for Hall and Nash to follow him out of the room…)_

HBK: Ok cool with me, you guys ready?

_(HHH and Xpac nod and head out of Vince's room)_

Matt: Hey Lita, Jeff…let's move!

Lita: GO TEAM EXTREME!

_(The Hardys and Lita make their way out of the room…)_

Trish: Hey Eddie, mind if I tag along with you guys?

Eddie: Hahaha…yeah mami, of COURSE you can!

Chavo: Yeah, let's roll!

_(So they leave Vince's office as well and head down to the parking garage, where everyone else is gathered…)_

* * *

Nash: Ok, ok, ok…who's going to London?

_(All the others glance at each other…)_

Matt: Ok, we'll go to London!

Lita: Hey Trips, you up for a little competition?

HHH _(smirking)_: Yeah, like you three are ever going to beat US!

Lita: Oh, so is that a challenge, or are you chicken?

_(Jeff starts walking around like a chicken as X-Pac smirks a bit)_

HHH: Ok bitch, you're on!

_(Lita sticks her tongue out menacingly at DX)_

HBK: Ok guys, let's get going! Climb in, we gotta' get goin'! The Heart-break kid ain't about to lose out now!

_(So DX and the other groups all head toward their respective vehicles…)_

Hall: Yo mang, It looks like we're off to Japan, chico.

Hogan: Right brother! We gotta' get moving! We can't lose out to the two gardeners and their resident whore!

_(Hall and Nash start laughing…)_

Eddie: Hey esse…you got some nerve talking! The rims on my lowrider aren't as shiny as your dome, Hogan!

_(Trish and Chavo snicker as Hall and Nash frown…)_

Trish: Hahaha…c'mon boys, let's get moving.

* * *

The nWo climb in Hogan's car—an orange-tinted Chevy with saggy manboobs.

At the same time, Chavo, Eddie, and Trish get in Eddie's car—a piñata in the shape of a donkey with spinning rims.

Meanwhile, in another part of the garage, DX has found their ride—a short bus with the name "D-X ekspress" spray-painted on the side of it.

Lastly, the Hardys and Lita climb into their car—a table attached to a ladder, which is attached to three chairs, where they sit. _**(Now, how all of this allows this vehicle to move is beyond me—besides, if you want to keep whatever sanity you may have, you'd likely be better off not asking in the first place.)**_

[So, it looks like it's Team XTreme vs. DX in London and Los Guerreros with Trish vs. the nWo in Japan!]

* * *

Who will be the first to strike? Who will they meet? Will HHH pin anyone while on the open road? Will Jeff meet any men he likes? Will Hogan find a wig? …Or maybe a bra for himself and his car? Will DX learn how to spell? Will the Guerreros ask Trish if she has any Mexican in her? And if they do, which one of them will it be? These and other absurd questions to be answered—or not—next time! **And yes, I know that this chapter is short-but it's only the beginning, so patience, people-patience!**

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Tune in again—same Warrior Place, same Warrior time, same Warrior channel!


	2. Coundown to Take Off

**Welcome back, 'yawl! Oh, and for those uninitiated to this series, or just forgot—all wrestlers are in full wrestling gear—that's how I do ALL of my stories, just so ya' know. **

* * *

Anyway, last we left off, our superstars were loading up into their respective vehicles and were heading toward the local airport…I think. The reason I say that is, well…

* * *

_(Now we Join the NWO as they're just pulling out onto a grassy field outside of Vince's office building…)_

Hogan: Okay brothers, here we go!

Hall: Yeah, we have to get up to 100 mph before we can go—it IS 100? Right Big Kev?

Nash: Uh yeah…It's 100. Hey, buckle up everyone, we're off!

Hogan puts the pedal to the metal, so to say, as his car _(known officially as the Chevy Maliboob)_ gradually gains speed and flies down the empty strip just ahead of the grassy field, when suddenly…

Nash: All right! We're up to 89…90…91…

Hall: Almost time, Chico!

Hogan: Ok dudes, here we…go! 100!

Hogan presses a big red button that's labeled _"New World Aircraft"_. That's when wings gradually protrude from either side of Hogan's vehicle, and, as he's totally blazing at the speed of 130 mph right now, his car starts to leave the ground and take flight! As the plane flies toward the horizon…

Nash: Weeeeeee're off!

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Miami international airport, we have Team Extreme, who are in the airfield simply because the one head guard is a HUGE Jeff Hardy mark…

Lita: It was TOTALLY cool that that guard let us take off from here!

Matt: Well HELL, Lita! Ain't like we can take off from anywhere else around here.

Lita: Oh come ON, Matthew! I was just showing my appreciation, I know we can't take off from anywhere else—at least not without hitting anything.

Jeff: Well, ahm just ready to go! Let's lift off!

Matt: Ok gang, here…we…go!

Matt presses a button on the side of his chair that looks like one of the rivets holding it together. One of the ladders auto-detaches itself and teleports horizontally on the top ladder, which is standing upright on one of the tables. The ladder starts spinning rapidly and the vehicle slowly ascends into the air.

* * *

Meanwhile…um, again, we have DX, who are already in the air—HHH is quick like that. And, for all intents and purposes, DX's vehicle looks like a flying short bus—with REAL wings that flap!

X-Pac: Hey Hunter, where'd you get ACTUAL wings from, dude?

HHH: Simple, man! I put some Red Bull in the tank. It gives you wings!

HBK: But, isn't that just a slogan?

HHH: I thought so, too, at first. But I came to find out that it really DOES give you wings—well, either it was the Red Bull or the 'shrooms I had that day, but anyway…

X-Pac: So I gather that it wasn't the 'shrooms, then?

HHH: No way! It was the Red Bull! So after I got tired of flying around, I asked myself, would this work on my car?

HBK: And I suppose you poured some in Steph's car, then? And not your OWN?

HHH (smirking): Damn straight—and the rest is as you can see!

X-Pac: So, when you were…flying around and all, did youuh…do your thing?

HHH: Naturally. Pac, I gotta' tell ya', it was a day of…of sheer delight! I pinned people in all four corners of this United States!

X-Pac: So, you just pretty much flew around from state-to-state pinning people?

HHH: It was BEAUTIFUL! I let a referee ride on my back with a ringbell and a camera! I posed in front of landmarks, people's houses, famous neighborhoods—ALL that!

HBK: You sound like you had a good time.

HHH: Of COURSE! It was the best time I've had since finding out the benefits of being married into the McMahon family!

(DX look at each other and just start laughing. _Now, for those who are unaware, "Red Bull", in my opinion, is a nasty-tasting energy drink sold in this and a few other countries where their slogan is "Red Bull: It Gives you Wings!"_.)

* * *

Let's join The Guerreros and Trish, who are also up in the a—wait, what the?

Trish: Eddie, I-I can't BELIEVE you-you...actually STOLE THIS AIRPLANE!

Eddie _(grinning)_: SIMON, ESE! You don't know, mami? That's how Latino Heat ROLLS, BABY!

Chavo and Eddie: WE LIE, WE CHEAT, WE STEEEEEAAAAAAL!

Trish _(smiling)_: And, from the looks of things, you do a damn fine job of it, hahaha!

Chavo: Shit, Uncle Eddie can hotwire ANYTHING, Amiga!

Eddie: Yeah, that's why we had you distract that one guard, chica!

Trish: You boys are something else!

Eddie digs in his tights and pulls out a gold watch and hands it to Trish…

Trish: Oh my—where did you get this, Eddie?

Eddie and Chavo look at each other and laugh as Trish looks on incredulously.

Eddie: Hey that's a good watch, ese. It should easily sell for 10 g's! Hahaha…Vince needed a hug earlier, so I GAVE him one, ese!

Trish _(wide-eyed)_: WHAT? THIS IS VINCE'S WATCH?

Eddie: You can keep it with our blessing, chica!

Chavo: Hell, if you don't want it, I'll gladly take it, you know?

Trish: Uh…um, n-no…that-that's ok. I'll…keep it—I could use some new wrestling gear!

All three of them start laughing amongst themselves, as it seems that ol' Trish DOESN'T totally have an aversion to lying, cheating, and STEALING.

* * *

What will happen next? Will the Guerreros wind up stealing Trish's heart, just like they stole Vince's watch? Will DX's bus fly south for the winter, or will it stay on course for London? Will Hogan's crew try to cop a feel on Hogan's car's manboobs—or will the CAR's manboobs be mistaken for Hogan's? (Honk-honnnnk) And will Jeff and Lita share makeup tips with each other? On that note, will Lita get pissed at Jeff for hogging all the eyeliner?

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_Tune in next time to find out—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel! _


	3. Memories of Hawaii, and a Big Boot!

_**Welcome back to the twisted, broken, desolate, yet drunken edifice known as my imagination! Last we left off, our stars just took flight. We have DX and the Hardys heading over to London and the nWo and Los Guerreros with Trish are headed for Japan. Let's join up with Los Guerreros, as they're just now flying over the west coast of the United States…**_

* * *

Trish: Guys, how long do you think this flight will take?

Chavo: Meh…it shouldn't be more than a few hours, maybe 8 or 9? It would normally take like 20 hours, homes!

Eddie: Yeah, mami—but it should be down to like 9 hours with that supercharger I secretly put in. Still, though, we're gonna' be up here a while!

Trish: Well, I suppose, then, that we're sleeping here in this plane?

Eddie _(grinning)_: SIMON, ESE! Tonight's movie is a bootleg copy of _"Die Hard"_—my brother Hector sold it to me.

Chavo: Aw damn! When I asked uncle Hector for a copy of MY favorite action movie, he said he didn't have it and I wound up with a copy of, ugh, "_The Muppets Take Manhattan"_.

Trish: …well dayum, boy!

Chavo: Damn right, chica! That movie sucked so hard, I threw my vacuum out and I now use that movie to vacuum my living room with!

Eddie and Trish have a quick laugh.

Trish: Yeah, I HATE it when people try to sell you substitutes for what you ACTUALLY want!

Eddie: Yeah, I can relate to that, mamacita. The local grocery store is ALWAYS out of shit. I mean, it's been a FEW times I'd go down there, looking for some sugar because I needed my Kool-Aid fix, right? Well, I remember those jokers trying to sell me some flour. Up here tellin' me that "it's just like suger, only not as sweet, so it's better FOR you"…my ass, ese!

Chavo: Yeah, I remember THAT shit, uncle Eddie! Trish, see, that's why we went there the next morning and ROBBED those fools! We took EVERYTHING we could get our hands on! I sold the dude's personal microwave for like 20 bucks, chica! We don't mess around!

Trish _(smiling)_: I-I think I can see that—nicely done!

Eddie and Chavo glance at each other with a raised eyebrow and then they glance at Trish…

Trish _(looking at both of them looking at her)_: Um…i-is there something on my face? Ahahahaha…

Eddie _(stroking his chin and grinning)_: Hey Trish…how about we teach you how to lie, cheat, and STEEEEAAAAL?

Chavo: Yeah, you'd be an honorary member of Los Guerreros!

Trish: Well…I dunno, guys. I don't think I'm cut out for that kind of thing.

Eddie: OH come ONNNNN…you'd be a NATURAL, mami! Let me take you under MY wing—you'll rise faster than my cock during a Victoria match on HEAT!

Trish _(laughing a little)_: Well, MAYBE…lemme' think about it.

Eddie and Chavo look at each other, smiling and nodding…

* * *

Hey, let's join up with The nWo, who are following a passenger airplane (NOT Eddie's)…

Hulk _(laying on his horn)_: C'mon brother! Get a move on!

Nash: HEY, GET THE LEAD OUT UP THERE!

Hall reaches in his tights and pulls out a cooler. From within the cooler, he pulls out a 40 ounce of Olde English 800, and starts drinking it.

Nash: Scott, you're not going to be all fucked-up during this trip, are you?

Hall: No way, mang. The bad guy…can quit…whenever…he…wants.

Hogan: Look dude, don't throw up in my car like you did last time! It took me a week to get that vomit smell out of my car! It had my car smelling like "the morning AFTER the party"!

Hall: Easy, easy, Hulk mang. The bad guy and his booze…chico…he is gonna' carve…it…up!

Meanwhile, the aircraft is hogging up all of the airspace and Hulk redirects his attention…

Hulk _(POUNDING the horn)_: C'mon dude! Move your ass! You know what? I have an idea…BROTHERS!

_Hulk presses a button and a pair of legs with yellow boots and red kneepads stretch out horizontally from the front of his car. He speeds up to the plane—which is more than 20 times the size of Hogan's ride—he passes the plane, turns toward it and one of the legs lifts up and it gives the airplane a "Big Boot". Hogan presses another button and the car rises in the air real quick, the legs both stick out horizontally and then come down on the huge aircraft, giving the aircraft the Hogan leg drop! It immediately cripples the plane and before it goes down, Hogan pulls a spray can from his tights and sprays "nWo" on the side of the plane. After Hogan's done, THEN the plane suddenly goes down in flames._

Nash: Hahahaaa…SWEEEET!

Hall: That was AWESOME, chico!

Hulk: You see, NOTHING stops the bionic legdrop! HAHAHAHAAAAA!

Nash: Cause when you're nWo, you're nWo…

All three: 4-LIIIIIIFE!

* * *

Meanwhile, we have Team XTreme, flying over the Mid-Atlantic…

Jeff: We have a pretty good way ta' go, looks like.

Matt: Yeah…hey Lita…

Lita: What?

Matt: How long has it been since we were in Hawaii?

Lita: Damn…I don't know—it's been a while, though. Why'd you ask?

Matt: Well, those islands down there made me think of something…Ok, I know you can't put your finger on exactly WHEN we were there, but I KNOW you remember running into Ricky Steamboat that one time!

Lita _(laughing)_: Oh my god, YES! He had this buuuuulllllshit Chinese restaurant!

Jeff: Wha? I always thought he was Chinese…

Matt: Yeah, yeah, it threw me, too. It's the eyes—it makes you think "dinga-dinga-ding-ding-dong-dong-ding". But, anyway…he's NOT that. But lemme' tell you about this scam of a restaurant that he had!

Lita _(shaking her head)_: I will NEVER forget this! Go 'head, Matt!

Matt: Ok, well…me and Lita were craving some Chinese food one night, right? Ok, well we were walking along the one boardwalk on Maui and we spot this restaurant called "The Dragon's House of Chinese Food" We shrug and go on ahead in. Well, we're talking to the waitress and we tell her that we're wrestlers, but we're on vacation. She gets kind of excited, we give her our autographs and she explains that Ricky Steamboat is the owner!

Jeff: No shit? Wow!

Matt: Well, when we place our orders—I order shrimp fried rice and Lita, I think you ordered the same thing?

Lita: Yeah, I did!

Matt: Ok, our dishes come and they smell and look delicious! I take one bite out of mine and it tastes SO familiar—a lot like home, right?

Jeff: That's a good thing, right?

Matt: Well, NORMALLY, it would be, but not THIS time! Jeff, remember when mom used to make us Rice-A-Roni when we were kids? We used to LOVE it!

Jeff: Yeah, I remember.

Matt: Okay, well, APPARENTLY, so did Rick Steamboat!

Jeff: Wh-wha? What do you mean?

Matt: This "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" bastard served us Rice-A-Roni with cheap, popcorn shrimp thrown in, trying to call it shrimp fried rice!

Jeff _(laughing)_: Damn…that's rich, hahaha!

Lita: Oh, remember the waitress? Look, her accent was so fake and thick, you could cut it with a saw! "prace your orda', fye dolla'!" You can't put white facepaint on a white girl and try to sell her off as "Chinese". I mean, really—what was he thinking with THAT charade?

Matt: Ahh…memories, hahahaaaa!

* * *

So we'll leave them be for the time being and join up with DX, who have briefly landed…

HHH: Ok, ease it down…there we go! Ok, ref, do your job!

Ref: 1…2…3! _(rings bell)_

X-Pac: Hunter, you know, this is a long ass flight! We're gonna' lose MAD time if you keep flying around pinning the damn mountains with this…bus here!

HHH: Hey hey, now…we'll make it! We'll be ok!

HBK: Look, we'd BETTER make it! The Heart-Break KID ain't gonna' go all this way just to lose! This is a 9-hour flight, we ain't got no time ta' waste!

HHH: Ok, I get it, Shawn. Just one more mountain, pleeeeeeeease?

X-pac glances at HHH and rolls his eyes…

X-Pac: Aw fuck, not THIS shit again, Hunter!

HBK turns and sees Hunter's bottom lip poking out as his head is bowed down and he looks at HBK with the big, sad, soulful eyes…

HBK _(pounding the dashboard)_: Damn it, Hunter! That's not playing fair! You know I can't resist the "big, soulful eyes" routine, c'mon, man!

HHH starts making his bottom lip start to quiver…

HBK: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT…pick a mountain—we'll land on top of it and you can…you can go over on the mountain, OKAY! But this is the last one, hear?

HHH _(smiling again)_: Ok, over there—ooooh, that one's nice and pointy, like Steph's nipples! I wanna' pin THAT one, I wanna' pin THAT one!

X-Pac and HBK look at each other and just sigh…

* * *

Trish seems to be thinking about a life of crime and deception. Think she'll go for it? Who else will fall victim to Ricky Steamboat's "Chinese Cuisine"? Does Hunter's soulful eyes routine work on Stephanie? _(Let's hope it does, he needs to use it to stop her from eating them out of house and home—you'll get that one if you've read the last 3 Adventures, lol)_ .Finally, could it be? Could Hogan's legdrop cure Cancer? I mean, it stopped a 747, right? Hehehe…I'll bet if you ask Hogan, he'll say it not only "kills Cancer, DUDES—it's the cure for AIDS, too Brother!"

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Thanks for reading! And don't forget to join me next time-same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	4. Cheating to Win & A New nWo Member

_**Yep…here we go again! I swear, as I write these chapters, I can literally FEEL my mind twisting into a knot so tight, it's becoming a virtual Chee-toh-only without the cheese, but you know what I mean…I think. Ah well, fuck it—let's rejoin DX, who are flying and approaching an island…**_

* * *

HBK: Wow, I can't believe we're making this good of time—even after all of those moutains we "pinned" back there.

HHH: See? Told ya' we'd still make it! You gotta' trust me on these things, Shawn.

HBK: Ok, I'll admit—you were right this time.

X-Pac: Hey guys, check that out over there!

The guys turn and see the Hardys and Lita descending on the island in the distance.

HHH: Shit, we gotta' hurry!

HBK puts the pedal to the metal, so to say, and their winged bus starts flapping harder and harder as it rapidly approaches the British Isles. Just then, the coast becomes more and more visible…

X-Pac: Ok guys, DX is in the HOUSE!

HHH: Imagine, guys—an entire COUNTRY of people I could pin—old and young, fat and skinny—bring 'em ALL on!

HBK: Whoa whoa whoa…I'll be DAMNED if you're going to pin all these people—it'd take an eternity, dude!

HHH: Hey, easy Shawn, easy—I have ambitions like everyone else!

X-Pac: Yeah, but you take it too far sometimes, man.

HHH: Wha? What do you mean?

X-Pac: Ok, take last Wednesday for instance—we were in that one mall, and you decided to stop by Victoria's secret to do a little shopping for your wife.

HHH: So? What's so bad about that?

X-Pac: C'mon, dude. You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! When me and Shawn here were looking for you in the mall, we found you pinning a store MANNEQUIN!

HBK: Hahaha! I remember that! Hunter, you're lucky those ladies didn't call the cops!

HHH: Why? Why would they call the cops on…ME?

X-Pac: Don't play innocent with us, Hunter—we know your ass! You were in there committing an…indecent act with that mannequin as you had it "pinned".

HHH: What?

HBK: Look, we didn't talk about this, but…we saw you dry-humping the mannequin, Hunter.

HHH: I WAS NOT!

X-Pac: Yes you were! It took 7 of those ladies and two security guards to pull you off the damn thing, man!

HHH _(giving up)_: ALRIGHT, ALLLLRIGHT! You GOT me, ok? All that lingerie got me horny, and I wanted to go over this mannequin—hey, she was asking for it!

HBK: What the—ASKING for it? Are you SERIOUS?

HHH: Well look, the way she was just standing there, looking at me, dressed in just her panties—which, by the way, looked a LOT like wrestling tights—made me want to go over on her, and finally…uh…get OFF on her.

X-Pac: Look, I love chocolate chip cookies—it doesn't mean I'm going to fucking HUMP one in a bakery, dude!

HHH: Yeah, yeah—whatever. Hell, Sean, even that mannequin looked better than some of the dogs YOU tend to pull!

HBK: Guys, GUYS! Now's not the time—

Just then, something went whizzing by at a high speed and HBK had to slam on the brakes…

HBK: HOLY sh- What the hell?

Hunter and X-Pac pick themselves up off of the floor…

HHH: What the goddamn hell was THAT?

X-Pac: I don't know, but it seems to be headed back here—Look!

A flying broom with a kid in a bathrobe-looking thing can be seen approaching DX's stopped vehicle…

HBK: What in the name of all that's Holy—

HHH: Hmm…here he comes, let's see what he wants—

HBK: -Yeah, and why he cut us off like that!

* * *

We'll leave them to that, but for now, let's join in with the nWo, who are midway across the pacific ocean…

Hulk: …Jimmy crack corn and I don't caaaaaaaaaare—and I'm gonna' be heavyweight champ! Hahahaha!

Hall: Hey, hey—I got one, I got one! 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, you drink one down, your smile turns to a frown, chico, and you have 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beeeeeer—you guzzle one down, with a shot of some Crown, you get 97 obttles of beer on the waaaaaaall!

Nash: You two are a trip, I'm telling you.

Just then, a loud BOOM could be heard in back of the car. Hulk looks in the rear view mirror and his eyes widen as he sees one plane shoot down a helicopter.

Hogan: Brothers! Did you see THAT?

Nash: Yeah, I DID see that!

Hall: Chico, duck—he's coming this way!

The aircraft goes whizzing by at a high speed as Hogan's car ducks out of the way. _(YES, the car DUCKED, ok?)_

Hall: Damn, Chico!

The plane that whizzed by slams on its brakes in the distance and doubles back toward Hogan and the boys…

Hogan _(taking off his sunglasses)_: He's coming back, dudes!

Nash: Yeah…but a LOT slower this time!

The plane approaches Hogan on the driver's side and the pilot rolls down his window…

_(YES, it's a jet aircraft with MANUAL fucking windows, okay? Lol)_

When the guys see the passenger they gasp and look at each other…

Nash _(smiling, and totally fanboy-ing out)_: Oh my GOD—DAVID HAYTER!

David _(smirking)_: Ah, a fan, I see. Just call me Snake.

Hogan: DUDES—it's Solid Snake from um, um, um…wait, where do I know you from, brother?

Nash: Hogan, are you serious? This is the LEGENDARY Solid Snake, here—he's world-renowned from the Metal Gear series!

Hall: Damn, mang—what brings you here?

Snake: Well, Colonel Campbell sent me on this mission to pick him up some eggs and milk, but I don't wanna' do that shit. I want a REAL mission—worthy of my namesake!

Hogan: Boys, nWo huddle!

The boys huddle up and talk things over and Hogan speaks up…

Hogan: Ok Snake, dude. Here's the deal—We're on this trip to England to get our boss some beer and porn. We were wondering if you'd care to join us, dude?

Nash: Yeah, it's a race, of sorts—the winner get's to head either SmackDown or RAW and head up the inaugural brand split.

Snake _(stroking his chin)_: Hmm…sounds interesting! I NEVER miss RAW! SmackDown is…meh. But RAW is the shit, man!

Hogan: So, you with us? Cause if you're with us, you're with us 4-life!

Hall pulls a brand new nWo t-shirt from his trunks and hands it to Snake.

Snake puts it on, smiles and hops in Hogan's car. He locks his plane and, with the click of his key fob, he puts the alarm on it. _(Oh, and for those wondering—Snake's aircraft is left stationary…in the sky…in the middle of the airway. You're welcome.)_

Snake: Ok guys, I'm in! Let's roll! Oh yeah—here are some spare Codecs—put them in your ears, we'll use them to keep in communication. Hey, one thing, guys—

Nash: Yeah? What's that? You have an extra t-shirt?

Hall: Sure chico, but why, it's just you, isn't it?

Snake: No, he must've had his stealth camouflage on—hey Otacon, where you at?

Suddenly, Hall Emmerich appears and puts on his new t-shirt.

Hogan: What the—where did you come from, dude?

Otacon: It's simple, I use stealth camouflage to blend into the background of wherever I'm at. It REALLY comes in handy at the local YMCA—in the women's locker room!

He clicks his camouflage button and disappears again. The boys all look at Snake…

Snake: Well…he's a good friend. You should see his porn page—you'll see the YMCA like you NEVER seen it before!

Nash _(nodding)_: Hmm…I'll have to get that address later, then.

Hall: Yeah, me too, chico!

* * *

Wow—it looks like SOLID SNAKE has joined the nWo! We'll now have a look at Los Guerreros and Trish who are about to land on the eastern coast of Japan…

Eddie: Ok, when we land—we GOTTA' get some food in us.

Trish: Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm fucking FAMISHED!

Chavo: Hey Uncle Eddie, when we land, I want to go get some sushi!

Eddie: Yeah, we can do all that, ese! And think, we ain't even got to PAY for it, homes!

Trish: Oh no—you guys aren't thinki9ng of…of dining and dashing, are you?

Eddie and Chavo look at each other and break out laughing.

Eddie: SIMON, ESE! If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying! Besides Trish, we have some plans for YOU, chica!

Trish: Why am I worried all of a sudden?

Chavo: Hey, hey now—it won't be so bad. Uncle Eddie's plans always work!

Eddie: Yeah, you'll see, mami! Oh, by the way—put this on!

Eddie hands Trish one of his t-shirts that reads "_Cheat 2 Win_".

Trish _(fangirl-ing a little bit)_: Hahaha…I've kinda' always wanted one of these! Thanks!

Eddie: Haha…no problem! Wear it with PRIDE, ese!

Just then, Eddie spots Hogan and the boys coming onto the coast at about the same rate that THEY are…

Eddie: Shit, man! Look! It's Hogan's bald-headed ass! We gotta' beat him to the car rental company!

Chavo: Ok, Uncle Eddie—move reeeeeal close, I mean, within eyeshot!

Eddie slams on the gas and turns his hijacked plane directly toward Hogan's car…

.

Hogan glances over…

Hogan: Hey, what the hell is he doing, man? He's headed straight for—wait, he stopped, brothers!

Nash: What the hell IS he doing?

.

Meanwhile, in Eddie's plane…

Eddie: Okay Trish, we gotta' thrown them off-course, we need your, uh…talents, chica!

Trish blushes and shakes her head…

Trish _(muttering)_: I don't BELIEVE I'm going to DO this…

Trish lifts up her t-shirt and presses her titties up against one of the windows of the plane. Hogan and crew see this and they immediately get off-course. Snake licks his lips, Otacon reappears flashing a devilish grin, Hall spits out his beer, Nash's tongue hung out of his mouth like it was a necktie, and Hogan's sunglasses broke and his eyes bounced and tumbled onto his dashboard like a pair of dice.

.

Eddie _(smiling)_: Hahaaa! Trish you DID it, mami!

Chavo: Yeah, I can see you're down with Los Guerreros!

Trish: Haha, I…I guess I am, huh? Hehehe…that WAS kinda' awesome! I mean, look at them; they're headed in, like, the wrong direction already, HA!

Eddie: Good job, Trish—ok, guys, here we go!

* * *

So, as Eddie now heads toward the coast of Japan full-blast, we must look in on the Hardys and Lita, who are descending upon the coast of one of the British Isles…

Jeff _(pointing)_: Wow, I knew I saw DX earlier! And, from the looks of things, something on that flying broom up there got their attention, or something.

Matt: Well…good, That'll at least buy us some time, then.

Lita _(pointing down)_: Hey, what's that weird-looking shop down there? It's, like stark black.

Jeff: Hmm…now that you mention it, what IS that, anyway?

Matt: I dunno, but, even from up here, it has sort of an ominous feel to it—I'm thinking that that drawing on the rooftop may have something to do with it?

Lita: Matt, you big dummy! That's a pentagram!

Jeff: Oh, dear holy Lord above! Who would have a building with a…a PENTAGRAM on it?

Lita: I dunno, might be some sort of satanic church or something, but I'm still curious. Matt sweetie, when we land, let's get something to eat and head over to that shop real quick—I GOTTA' see this!

Matt: Ok, we'll get something quick to eat, we'll briefly—and I do mean BRIEFLY—head over to that shop before we go to find this beer and porn the Mr. McMahon just MUST have.

Jeff looks in the rear-view mirror—which is really just Lita's compact—he sees DX gaining on them…

Jeff: Oh shit—we gotta' get cookin'! DX is not far back—hey, it looks like they have some…KID with them!

Matt: The hell? What's THAT about? Oh well, I'm sure we'll find out sooner or later.

* * *

Ok, I'll stop here tonight. Hope you enjoyed this this go-round, lol!

.

Well, well…let's see…What other things can Hogan's car accomplish? Is it me, or does Scott Hall have a WalMart in his trunks—all these things he pulls out…geez. What sort of evil plans does Eddie have for Trish? DX, of all teams, decided to pick up a KID? And, who ELSE thinks that if they had "stealth technology", it'd come in handy?

.

All these and other weird question to be answered next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	5. Dreams, Aspirations, and Old Friends

**_Welcome back! Ok, last we left off, Solid Snake and Otacon joined the nWo and the Hardys were flying over a curious building with a giant pentagram painted on top of it. So, it's only natural we join up with DX and their new passenger…_**

* * *

HHH: So, you're saying that you were just playing around and, as you put it, "exercising the ol' broom"? Is that it?

Kid: Yes gents, that's precisely what I'm saying. I was 'floying around 'till me mum called me in for dinner.

X-Pac: You know, you really need to watch where you're flying, you could've got hurt, or killed, even.

HBK: Yeah, Pac is right—you need to be a bit more careful, kid.

HHH _(smiling)_: Damn, I never, in a MILLION years, thought that, of ALL people, HARRY fucking POTTER would join us on what's basically an international beer and porn run!

Harry: Gents, I just thank you f'having me along, right. I hope my powers will be of some use to you on this journey. It's sort of been a curiosity to see what it'd be like to be involved with pro wrestling.

HBK: Yeah, I know you can't learn that at Hogwarts, can you?

Harry: Well, actually Shawn, that's not ENTIRELY true.

HBK: Wha? Well, what do you mean, small fry?

Harry: Hogwarts did, indeed, have a short-lived wrestling team, but it had to be shuttered, I'm afraid.

X-Pac: Well…why?

Harry: The problem was, was that too many of the students started summoning demons from other dimension to either have them wrestle or HELP the students win wrestling matches.

_(HHH and HBK look at each other…)_

HHH: Well, really…that's not too far from WWE nowadays!

HBK: Yeah, we have all sorts of…demons running around in the WWE!

Harry: Really? Hmm…interesting. You know, Hunter, I've always wanted to learn how to do your…crotch chop, is that what it's called? I've always wanted to do it proper in front of a live audience.

HHH: Are you kidding? It's easy, shrimp! Just watch me when we go get something to eat—it's sort of a…presentation, of sorts.

_(X-Pac and HBK start laughing a little)_

Harry: Sounds nice, can't wait to learn!

HHH: Yeah kid. Just follow me, and I can show you the power of the PIN!

Harry: Umm…the power of the…pin?

HHH: Of COURSE! Kid, it'll be me and you, traveling all over this big world, pinning people in various cultures! It'll be GAMETASTIC!

_(HBK and X-Pac roll their eyes…)_

HHH: Just you wait! Soon enough, you'll be pinning more people, than, than…I can't even IMAGINE, kid!

Harry: WOW, thanks, Mr. H!

HHH: Eh, don't mention it, kid—just remember who made you what you WILL become, and don't forget to let me pin you when time comes!

Harry: Why, of course, Mr. H! I'll never forget where I came from!

HHH: Damn straight!

_(HBK and X-Pac look at each other and just shake their heads slowly.)_

* * *

We'll leave DX be and join up with Hogan and the boys, who have apparently found their way back on course…

Hogan: That dirty, no good, spic! He allowed us to get off course, who KNOWS how much time we lost, brother!

Nash: Yeah, I'm gonna' powerbomb his ass straight through to other end of the earth for that little stunt there!

_(Nash turns toward Hall and Hall pulls out another 40 oz of beer from his tights and starts drinking it…)_

Hogan: Anyway, we gotta' go down there and get some directions or something to the nearest Porn outlet.

Nash: Yeah, and then a liquor store.

_(Hall pulls out another 40 oz and starts drinking it a Nash glances over at him…)_

Hogan: Guys, we're SO gonna' beat those no-good no goodnicks, the Guerreros!

Snake: Yeah, all the rice and beans in the world ain't gonna' save them now!

_(Hall pulls out yet another 40 oz from his tights and starts drinking it…)_

Hogan: That's what I'm talking about, brother!

Nash: NWO 4-LIIIIIII-

_(Hall pulls out another 40 oz and starts drinking it. For all intents and purposes, Hall has 4 40-oz bottles in his mouth at one time and is drinking ALL of them. Nash finally speaks up…)_

Nash: Sorry Hulk, sorry for cutting off the "4-life" catchphrase, but I can't ignore THIS bullshit anymore…

Hulk: What's going on, brother?

Nash _(calmly)_: Scott, you realize that, you can't actually DO that, right? No one can fit four bottles THAT big in their mouth at one time and drink from ALL of them at the same time.

_(Suddenly, Otacon materializes…)_

Otacon: Snake, your ex girlfriend, Meryl could do that!

Snake _(smiling)_: Yeah, she WAS the best! Damn, I miss the way she used to suck MY "solid snake".

* * *

The boys all share a good laugh, as Snake reminisces. We'll leave them, and go visit the Hardys, as they've just landed on the coast…

Matt: Ok, I'm starved! We need to get something to eat and do it quickly!

Jeff: Ah can certainly relate to that, let's go!

_(Jeff presses a button, and the Ladder disappears from the top and goes back down underneath the base ladder as it was before initial takeoff)_

Lita: Hey look! There's a Burger King, let's go!

Matt: Ok guys, here's the deal—We have to make this last, we're still an incredible ways away from London, I mean, we landed on the COAST of this island.

Lita: That's right, when we get done eating, we're gonna' REALLY hafta' cook!

_(Jeff mashes the accelerator, and the tables, ladders, and chairs lean backwards and then forward as they zoom off toward the restaurant in a cloud of tire dust. They arrive at the restaurant and pull up to the drive-thru. Jeff waits a couple minutes…)_

Matt: Why isn't anyone answering? I can tell this place is open.

Lita: Hmm, Jeff, maybe you should say something?

Jeff: Hello…any—anyone there?

_(A voice comes over the speaker…)_

Voice: Hello, welcome to Burger King, may I tyke ya' order?

Jeff: Yeah, I'll have a Whopper with medium fries and a chocolate shake.

Voice: Okay, anything else?

Lita: Yes, I'll have a double Whopper with cheese, 2 large orders of fries, 3 apple pies…and a Diet Coke.

_(Matt just looks at Lita, shaking his head)_

Matt:…a Diet Coke—you know, you never cease to amaze me, Lita.

Voice: Ok, will that be all?

Matt: Uh, no—I'd like a Big Mac, a 20-piece McNugg—

Voice _(TOTALLY cutting matt off)_: -Uh sir, we don't have Big Macs here, NOR do we have 20 piece McANYTHING. This is Burger King, not Maccas!

_(Matt, a bit offended, looks at Jeff and Lita briefly…)_

Matt: Look pal! Just gimme' a…a…double hamburger—NO CHEESE! And gimme' a side of onion rings!

Voice: We're out of onion rings.

Matt: Well how about some fries-with no salt?

Voice: _(sighs)_: Sir, if I make a new batch with no salt, then there'll be a wait on the fries.

Matt: Well damn! What DO you have?

Voice: That's ready to go now?

Matt: Yes, ready to go NOW!

Voice _(slightly sarcastic)_: Well, we have the regular fries…and THEY have salt on them, you know.

_(Jeff and Lita are giggling...)_

Matt: FINE! Lemme' get my double hamburger—which better NOT have any cheese on it, along with a fruit salad.

Voice: What size of fruit salad?

Matt _(growing increasingly impatient)_: A large…PLEASE.

Voice: Ok, pull around to the window.

Lita: Gee, he didn't even tell us how much we owed.

Matt: Geez…I don't know what gets wrong with some people. So far, I've come to the conclusion that these British "blokes" can be just as obnoxious as Americans! If I wanted to get rude treatment at a restaurant, I would've just ate at a local fast food joint at home!

_(So they pull up to the window and a young man is currently taking another order and rolling his eyes. The Hardys can hear the conversation…)_

Voice: So, a medium fry is 69 cents?

Boy: Yes lady, and your senior coffee is still 99 cents, okay?

Voice: How much for a large fry?

_(The young man in the window takes a deep breath and continues…)_

Boy: Ma'am, the prices are clearly listed on the menu right in front of you.

Voice: Oh…I see. So, a Large fry is one Quid?

Boy: _(sighing again)_ Yes, it's one quid.

Voice: Umm, that'll be 'ull, then.

Boy: What'll be 'ull?

Voice: Remember, I ordered a senior coffee?

Boy: No you didn't—neva'mind, lady, pull on up to the window, yeah?

_(The boy turns and opens the window and Jeff hands the money over.)_

Matt: Hey, what's your name? Stu, is it?

Stu: Yeah, so?

Matt: Look, I can tell you don't like your job, but please, try not to take it out on us—we didn't do anything to you, man!

Stu: Look, I'm aspiring to be a pro wrestler someday and I'm gonna' be big. I can't WAIT to get out of this…pit. You customers come in here every damn day asking the same nonsensical inquiries!

Lita: Well, what do you mean?

Stu: Ok, put yourself in My shoes, huh? I'm here for the better part of the day answering the same questions, smelling the same stinking food every day. If I had a..a…NICKEL for all the times I hear "how much is a medium fry", I'd be rich and wouldn't even HAVE to have dreams!

_(The Hardys all look at each other…)_

Stu: I'm telling the lot of you, right NOW! That I'll be bigger than ANY of you can anticipate, and trust me when I tell you this—don't forget the name of Stu Bennett! Now here's your bloody food!

_(Stu shoves the bags to Matt and shuts the window.)_

Matt gets his burger and salad out before handing the bag to Jeff…

Matt: Well, the kid may have wrestling aspirations or whatever, but he suuuure can make a mean burger!

Lita: Yeah, tell me about it!

* * *

Lastly, we'll pay a visit to Los Guerreros and Trish, as they've been cleared and have just landed at Tokyo International airport…

Trish: Wow, every time I COME here, this place is crowded.

Eddie: Yeah mami, it feels good to be in a place so crowded with all the confidence that you're the tallest person there!

_(Eddie, Chavo, and Trish share a quick laugh…)_

Trish: Hey, so where's the car rental center?

Chavo looks over the balcony and points to a stand with a yellow sign that reads "Hurts" along with a bunch of symbols.

Chavo: Look, over down there—that must be it, let's move!

_(So as they're hurrying through the airport to get to the car rental stand, they run into someone-LITERALLY. Eddie, Chavo, Trish, and the other people are picking themselves up off of the floor in the hectic airport…)_

Eddie: Hey ese, why don't you watch where you're going?

Chavo: Didn't you see us coming? What? You need glasses, or something?

Guy: Ugh…look who's talking…ouch!

Trish: Wait—HEY, Eddie, Chavo—don't you know them?

Eddie and Chavo look at each other and then back at the couple in front of them…)

Chavo _(smiling)_: No fucking way—it CAN'T be you!

Eddie _(extending his arm in a handshake)_: Wait…IS it really you?

_(The man's dog licks Eddie's hand in a gesture of friendship. Eddie wipes it off on his tights.)_

Eddie: Ugh…your dog, ese, he's uh…friendly, yeah?

Trish: Oh my GOD, how long has it been, Shaggy?

_(Shaggy and Trish share a tight, friendly hug…)_

Shaggy: Hoo…a long time, Trish! Ever since we solved the mystery of who kept replacing your mascara with dog turds, right Scoob?

Scooby: RRRRRIGHT, RAGGY!

Shaggy: Hey, it's also been a loooong time since I felt those big titties on my chest, right Scoob?

Scooby: RIG ROOBS, RIG ROOBS, RAGGY-SCRROOOOOBY-DOOOBY-DOOOOOO!

Eddie _(stroking his chin)_: You know, you guys are pretty good at solving things and getting things done—even though you're afraid of your own shadows, haha. Hey, I have a proposition for you, homes…

* * *

Aaaaaand we'll stop this here for tonight, with no further questions, your honor.

.

I will, however, see you next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	6. A Mystery Solved and can YOU say LOL?

_**Once again, I'm back—and so are YOU! Last we left off, Los Guerreros ran into Shaggy and Scooby Doo—Literally! The Hardys and Lita grabbed a quick burger from a very young Wade Barrett, and HHH was promising to teach Harry Potter "the power of the pin". So now, we're going to rejoin the Hardys, as they're on their way to that curious shop with the giant pentagram on the roof…**_

* * *

Matt: Lita, I hope you know what you're doing with this, here.

Lita: Matt, I swear, nothing BAD is gonna' happen! I PROMISE!

Matt: Oh, yeah, you "promise", huh? Just like that time you asked me to go into the women's locker room and get your duffel bag, right?

Lita: Oh, come on, Matt! It wasn't THAT bad!

Matt: Oh come ON, Lita—Ivory and Molly beat my ass with-with those…damn…curling irons they had. And hell, I don't know WHERE Victoria got that potted plant she threw on me when I was on the ground—in fact, I STILL don't even know where she came from!

Lita _(laughing a little)_: Oh, and don't forget how they grabbed you by your ankles and your arms and tossed you out into the hallway! Hahahahaaa!

Matt: Oh you're just full of laughs today, aren't you, Lita?

Jeff: Oh, I remember that! They threw Lita's bag out into the hallway and it landed on your head and all of her…condiments fell out—it was funny!

Matt: Shut up.

Lita: My…condiments? What? Am I a hot dog, now?

Jeff sees the shop in the distance…

Jeff: I see the shop in the distance! _(Yeah, I specialize in "next instant foreshadowing", lol.)_

They drive up to the front of the building and all three slowly exit the, ahem…vehicle.

Matt: Lita, I-I don't know about this. This shit looks scary.

Jeff: Yeah, It does. Fortunately, I have my trusty ladder for protection.

Jeff pulls a ladder out of his trunks as Matt just shakes his head.

Lita: Well, I'm curious. C'mon, boys!

They make their way into the dark shop, the walls appear to be decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars, giving it sort of a "looking into the cosmos" effect to the ambience.

Lita _(looking around)_: Uh…hello?

Suddenly a light comes on, thereby illuminating the entire shop, which ACTUALLY has black-painted walls. A lady, about mid-late 20's rises up from behind the counter…

Lady: Hello, may I help you?

Lita _(looking at the way this lady's dressed)_: Uh…yyyyyeah…I really just wanted to see what kind of place this was, is all.

Lady: Look around, hon. This is my shop—Devil's Interior Lusty Desire Orifice, or D.I.L.D.O., for short.

Matt: Wha? Dildo?

Lady: It's my sex toy store—I know what you're thinking, and we don't sell what your boss is looking for. I'm afraid that the particular mag HE wants in deep within the bowels of London. Hey, my name's Katherine. I saw you coming in an augury that I was having. I see, you are on a journey?

Jeff: Well, yeah, we're—

Katherine: No, no—don't tell me! You're on a journey for you egomaniacal windbag of a boss to get him some liquor and porn! Right?

Lita: Damn, you're good.

Katherine: There is nothing that I cannot read, there is nothing that I cannot see—well maybe except Mark Henry if you shut off the lights in any given room.

_(Jeff and Matt snicker a little bit)_

Lita: Hahaa…well, could you tell us who's gonna' win this thing?

Katherine: Wait—let me see. Ah…aha! The winner is…is…Hmm, how about this? You let me join you on your journey and I may be able to help you win.

Lita: Well, it didn't really answer my question, but…boys?

Boys: Yeah?

Lita: Should we have her join us?

Jeff: Sure, I like goth chicks, anyway!

Katherine: Ah…so I seemed to convince you, then. Ok, let's take our leave!

_(Katherine playfully slides her arm on the inside of Jeff's as Jeff just grins like a Cheshire cat. Matt and Lita hang back a little and Matt whispers…)_

Matt: Do you REALLY think this is a good idea? I mean, look at the way this chick looks- blue hair, dark BROWN hair, friggin' bleached blonde and red hair highlights—not to mention this chick's pale-as-a-ghost. What was her dad? A piece of chalk?

Lita: MATTHEW! Quit being so damn ignorant!

Katherine _(far up ahead)_: I HEARD that, Matt! Don't make me cast a spell on your ass! I can give you diarreah for DAYS, sweetie! Oh, and I LOVE your, um…car.

Lita's has a hand over her mouth and is giggling as Matt looks surprised that she heard him.)

Matt _(muttering)_: How the royal fuck did she hear me?

Lita: I don't know, but you're gonna' hafta' watch you mouth, now—aint'cha, baby? Teeeheheee!

Matt smirks as he and Lita head for the…vehicle. As they head for the vehicle, there's a rather small hot air balloon landing a few feet from where they're parked…

Jeff: Hey, check THAT out!

Katherine: Damn, that's the smallest hot air balloon I've ever seen.

Lita (running to catch up): Hey, what's this up here?

Katherine: It looks like a little girl and her pet cat, I guess. Wait—oh HELL no! Where the hell did THIS little bitch come from?

Lita: Katherine! She's just a little girl, ease up.

Katherine: Just a little girl? This 'little wonder' here is one of the most annoying…people on the planet!

Little girl: HELLO EVERYBODYYYY!

Matt _(smiling)_: Oh, I recognize you! I'm Matt Hardy! Nice to meet you—my little cousin LOVES you!

Little girl: NICE TO MEET YOU MATT HARDY! MY NAME'S DORA—DORA THE **EXPLORER**! AND THIS IS MY CAT, **MITTENS**! CAN YOU ALL SAY "**MITTENS**"?

_(Meanwhile, Dora and Mittens are both standing there, looking at the group with that smile she always gets when she's waiting on someone to pronounce or say something…)_

…

Dora: C'MON…**SAY**…MITTENS!

…

Dora: DON'T BE SHY…SAY…**MITTENS**—YEAH, IN SPANISH, YOU'D SAY…"SOY MITTENS"!

(The group just look at one another and Matt says…)

Matt: Uh…soy…Mittens?

Dora: THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S GREAT…SOY…**MITTENS**! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?

Matt: Well, Dora—our boss told us to pick him up some liquor and a reeeally naughty magazine.

Dora: IT'S OK MATT! YOU CAN KEEP IT REAL WITH ME! YOUR BOSS WANTS BEER **AND** PORN! CAN YOU SAY—**PORN**?

…

Dora: C'MON, TRY IT…SAY…PORN!

…

Dora: LOOK I KNOW YOU ASSHOLES CAN DO IT—SAY, **PORN**!

_(The whole group, suddenly startled, all says "porn" in unison…)_

Dora: THAT'S BETTER—OK, LET'S GOOOOOO!

So the group looks at each other and just shrug.

Matt _(sighs)_: Ok, come on everyone, we gotta' find a hotel. It's been a long journey so far, so it's time to hit the hay.

* * *

(We'll let them find a hotel and we'll join up with Los Guerreros, Trish, Shaggy, and Scooby, as they've just found lodging at an old Victorian hotel …)

Eddie: Ok, listen up. We're gonna' meet in the lobby at 6am SHARP, so let's all get some sleep, ok? No bullshitting around, because if you're not with us when we're ready, we WILL leave, ese!

Trish: Oh, don't worry about me, that dinner we had—ugh, I'm so full, I could sleep for an eternity!

Shaggy: Yeah, me and Scoob here, we LOVED the ribs!

Scooby _(licking his lips with that juicy-slobber thing he does)_: RRRIBS, RRRIBS, REEEEERICIOUS!

Chavo: Well good. I'm off to bed _(yawns)_, see you guys tomorrow!

_(They all go to their respective rooms, but we'll stay with Shaggy and Scooby…)_

Shaggy: Hey Scoob, let's go down to the kitchen and see if they have anymore of those ribs!

Scooby: RRRRIGHT, RAGGY!

_The hotel is closed and the kitchen is dark. Shaggy and Scooby tiptoe their way down to the kitchen…_

Shaggy: Mmmm-Mmmm, Scoob! I can taste those ribs right now!

Scooby: REAH, RE TOO!

_Shaggy pulls a flashlight from his pocket and turns it on…_

Shaggy: That fridge has to be around here somewhere, Scoob.

_He finds the fridge and as he and Scooby take steps toward the refrigerator, with each step they take, they hear an extra two steps…_

Scooby _(turning)_: Huh?

_Scooby turns around and sees a large dark figure with glowing eyes slowly creeping toward him and Shaggy, who's currently bent over raiding the fridge. Scooby literally turns white and taps Shaggy on the shoulder as his teeth are audibly chattering…_

Shaggy: Not now, Scoob!

Scooby _(teeth chattering)_: R-R-RAGGGY!

Shaggy: Hold on, Scoob, there's plenty for everybody!

Suddenly, the monster taps Shaggy on the shoulder…

Monster _(tapping Shaggy)_: Mmm..Raaargh…

Shaggy: Scoob, if you don't knock it off..

Monster _(tapping Shaggy again)_: I _**SAID**_…..RAAARGH!

Shaggy: Who are you growling at Sc—

Shaggy turns and sees the monster, he leaps up in the air, throwing the food as he's scared witless, and starts to run-of course, running in mid-air before he lands and takes off! The monster has his hands out and the food falls into his hand—a piece of bread, a picle, a whole ham, some hamburgers, a head of lettuce, and another piece of bread on top. The monster looks at the accidentally-assembled sandwich…

Monster: GRROOOOOWRRR! _(munch, munch, munch…gulp)_ MMMMM!

Monster wipes off his mouth and, suddenly from behind him, a hand snatches off the monster's mask…

Trish: A-HA! I should've known it was you!

Shaggy: Do you believe it, Scoob? The person trying to keep us from getting the food was THE BIG SHOW!

Big Show _(all of a sudden tied up)_: Aww…and I would've gotten ALL the food to myself if it weren't for the former 7-time Women's champion!

Trish: That'll teach ya! Guys, take him away!

All of a sudden, the hotel concierge appears and escorts Big Show off of the premises.

Shaggy: That was groovy, Trish!

Scooby: ROOVY, ROOOVY! A-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!

Trish: I thought I might find you two down here! C'mon, we gotta' be up early tomorrow. Let's go, guys!

We'll let them get some shuteye, and join up with Hogan and the bunch, as they, too, have found lodging for the night…

* * *

Hogan: Ok nWo-ites! Here's the deal—we meet up tomorrow morning at 6, ok? We don't want that dirty spic Guerrero making us look foolish!

Nash: Ok, each of you take a room, I'm getting some shuteye.

So the boys separate and head into their respective rooms. What say we join Otacon and Snake? Yeah, let's just do that…

Snake: Otacon, I'm horny, dude.

Otacon: Umm…I'm a guy, why are you telling me this?

Snake: Because, we need a mission WITHIN this mission.

Otacon: What'd you have in mind?

Snake: Well, I know there's an all-night aerobics studio down in the basement of this hotel.

Otacon _(smiling)_: Wait-don't tell me—I know exactly what you're thinking! Let's go!

Snake: We'll keep in contact by Codec.

Otacon: Cool!

_Otacon turns on his stealth mechanism and heads out the door and down to the basement. Snake follows soon thereafter…_

Snake's Codec beeps…

Snake _(crouched down behind a couch in the lobby)_: Yeah, what is it Otacon?

Otacon: Snake, I spotted Genome soldiers guarding the entrance to the women's shower room! You're gonna' have to be careful. I'm already inside, heheheee!

Snake: Shit! Alright, got'cha!

_Otacon's screen closes and Snake quickly scurries toward the basement. He sees the Genome soldiers on guard…_

Snake _(taking a deep breath)_: Ok Snake, you can do this!

_Snake knocks on the wall nearby one of the genome soldiers and the soldier, with an IQ of a doorknob turns and…_

Genome Soldier: Huh? What was THAT noise?

_Snake jumps him from around the corner and chokes him out, he picks up the Ruger that the soldier dropped and heads on into the women's locker area and quickly hides in one of the lockers. Where he can see out of the vents at the top of the locker door…_

Snake _(muttering)_: See, if I wouldn't have cheated on Meryl, I wouldn't HAVE to be—Naw, I'd still probably be doing this shit.

_Snake sees a bunch of girls come out of the shower and his dick gets so erect so fast, it makes a "BOONK" sound against the locker. The girls don't hear it because they're so busy talking and giving each other back rubs with lotion. Suddenly, Snake hears panting…_

Snake _(muttering to himself)_: Damn…I know that sick little gasp anywhere…Otacon's probably about to—

_Just as he was saying that, one of the girls notices that her towel on the floor is moving by itself and she was hearing a noise like someone panting…_

Girl: Wait, what's that noise? It sounds like someone…panting?

_Suddenly, without warning, a flood of sperm came blasting toward her from the vicinity of her towel, which was no longer moving, but she could hear footsteps of someone running away._

Girl: Hey, did you all just see someone running?

Other girls: No, we didn't

Girl: Hmm…

_Snake just sighs to himself and shakes his head._

Ok, I'm closing here tonight—for those wondering about DX, they're fine. HHH just wouldn't stop pinning the other hotel guests, so Harry casted a sleeping spell on him with a built-in "body alarm" set to go off at 6 sharp.

.

See you again—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	7. Craaaaappy Birthdaaaay tooooo Yooooooou!

_**Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know, I know—it's been a long time, well…life got in the way. Shit happens. Anyway, the superstars have all been well-rested and so, of course, with THAT said, you KNOW we have to join up with Vince in his hotel room, where his wife, Linda, is sucking his dick…**_

* * *

Vince: Oooh…oooh…yesssss, that's it, *gasp*OOH…right there…

_Two minutes pass…_

Vince _(getting close to blast-off)_: O-ok, Linda…I think—I think I'm about to…HRRRGH…L-Linda, honey stop..

_A couple seconds later still…_

Vince: Alright, Linda! You'd better stop, you're going to ruin your birthday—you're going to ruin your BIRTHDAY!

Linda: What? What's wrong, Vince?

Vince: You almost ruined your birthday, dammit! When I say stop, I want you to STOP! You know that shit feels good!

Linda: Well, you WANTED me to…

Vince: You almost drained my grapefruits, dammit!

Linda: Well aren't YOU supposed to be the "genetic jackhammer"?

Vince: Don't you piss me off, Linda—I'm Vince McMahon, DAMMIT!

Linda: I don't care if you're Vince Lombardi…now, It's MY birthday—so, I want YOU to handle your business…dear.

_Linda sits back and opens her legs, Vince cringes a bit and as he inches closer, he can smell the odor…_

Vince: Dammit, Linda—don't you wash yourself down here? It smells like a public restroom down here!

Linda: Shut up and eat—I'm LINDA McMahon…dammit.

_Vince inches closer and he dry heaves a couple times before timidly sticking his tongue out…_

Linda: Well, what're you waiting on?

Vince: Look…don't rush me!

Linda: Look, either YOU'RE gonna' eat IT, or IT'S gonna' eat YOU!

Vince: But…but Linda, honey—I could buy you a new car, a new jet, your own wrestling fed—ANYTHING but THIS!

Linda: No, YOU asked me what I wanted for my birthday and THIS is what I want, now start chowing down!

Vince: Dammit, Linda—your cooch looks like a hairy…smelly…fuckin'…STARGATE!

Linda: I'm waaaaaaitiiiiiing…

Vince: Alright, alright! I-I'm goin' in! You know, Linda—I understand why that one nurse said that Shane smelled like we got him from a fish market when he was born!

Linda: Meh-shut up! Always talking about your-your GRAPEFRUITS and how you're the "genetic jackhammer", and all. Genetic Jackhammer, my ass! That little…thing you call a "jackhammer"—hell, I could take my wedding ring off and it'd fit around THAT little thing!

Vince: Well, why is your pussy so damn deep? When we fuck, you're always moaning that stupid shit-"haaaarder, deeeeper—well, you know what, Linda? There IS no harder, there IS no deeper—I don't have like, 4 extra inches of dick on reserve or in a rainy day fund! This is it! Just take the pump and shut up! From now on, when you say that shit to me, I'm gonna' say—I'm gonna' say "smaller, tighter"!

Linda: Whatever—why is it that you allllllways ask me to say your name when we're doing it doggy? You're name's been Vince for 30 YEARS, now!

Vince: Oh yeah? Lemme' tell you something ELSE you do!

Linda: Ok what do I do, Vince?

Vince: Yeah, you're always whining and complaining about me taking too long to get a nut when I'm fucking you—well, let me tell you THIS—and I want you to pay close attention—I can get a porno mag, jack off, and come in like 5 minutes—why? Glad you asked—it's because I don't feel anything when I'm in your…dungeonesque pussy, THAT'S why! Linda, you're pussy is terrible! I buy you all the vinegar you need to make that kitty pucker and you don't even USE it!

Linda: Blah, blah, blah…you just HAVE to ruin everything special, don't you, Vince?

Vince: Whatever.

Vince eases in and starts licking around for a few moments, cringing as he's doing it. A few moments later, he smells something ELSE…

Vince _(sniffing and grimacing)_: Linda, you smell that?

Linda: No, I don't smell anything.

Vince: How the hell do you not smell—wait! WAITA DAMN MINUTE!

Linda: What is it, NOW?

Vince: I KNOW, as sure as my name is Vincent Kennedy McMahon, that you did NOT just fart!

Linda _(trying not to laugh)_: No, I-I didn't!

Vince: Yes the hell you did, too! I can tell you've been at the garlic spaghetti again, too! I can always tell with you because your farts always mimic what you ate earlier!

Linda: Vince?

Vince: Well what is it?

Linda: Quit stalling.

* * *

_So, as Vince reluctantly goes back to…giving his wife her birthday present, we'll rejoin DX and Harry Potter, as they're getting some breakfast…_

HBK: This looks like a pretty swanky spot, guys.

X-Pac: Yeah, I like these buffet-style restaurants.

HHH: Well, I plan to eat more pancakes and sausage than everyone, and I'm going over this whole restaurant—clean.

Harry: Well, I'm famished! I'm in the mood for some fish and chips with a side of malt vinegar.

X-Pac: What? For BREAKFAST?

Harry: Sure!

HHH _(looking around)_: Where's the host? Are we supposed to seat ourselves?

HBK: Hmm…I think we are.

_(So the guys find a clean table and sit down. The waiter appears and gives them their plates. HHH snatches his…)_

HHH: …about damn time!

X-Pac: C'mon guys, let's eat!

_(The boys approach the buffet. Harry IMMEDIATELY heads over toward the bacon and starts piling the bacon on his plate as a bewildered X-Pac looks on…)_

X-Pac: Daaaaaaaaamn dude, you know you're not gonna' eat all that bacon! You got like 12 strips on your plate!

HBK: Pac, ease up—he's a growing boy!

X-Pac: But you and I both know he's not gonna' be able to eat all that!

HBK: Why is it that what's on Harry's plate seems to be making YOU full?

X-Pac: Dude, whatever.

_(X-Pac takes 3 pancakes and heads over to the table)_

HHH: Ok, everyone join hands as HBK will bless the food.

HBK: Father God, it's the Heart-BREAK KID calling! We just want to give you thanks for this food. I want to pray for those whose lives are a world of suck right now—like that Spike Dudley kid. I want to pray your mercy upon HHH as he pins all of your children…

HHH: YES, oh Lord!

HBK: …And I'd like to pray a special blessing on us, so that you may GIVE us the strength and the POWER to buy porn and alcohol. All this I ask in your name and for your sakes, AMEN! Let's dig in, guys!

_(X-Pac starts pouring syrup all over his pancakes.)_

HHH: Sean, wha—stop hogging all the syrup!

X-Pac: Man, there's plenty! Chill, dude.

HHH: Don't make me snatch the bottle from you!

X-Pac: Yeah, you and what army?

_(HHH gets up and chases X-Pac all over the restaurant. Xpac throws the bottle…)_

X-Pac: Harry—CATCH!

Harry: Got it! X-Pac, go long!

_(HHH is stuck in the middle as Harry and X-Pac play a round of "monkey in the middle" with ol' Trips…)_

HHH: C'mon guys, this is –this is immature! Let me get some syrup!

_(HBK is humming his theme song to himself as he bites into a bagel, watching all of the carnage. Suddenly, the manager comes out…)_

Manager: Hey, hey, hey—WHAT is this here?

HHH _(pointing at X-Pac)_: HE started it!

X-Pac: No I didn't, YOU did!

HHH: Did not!

X-Pac: Did too!

HHH: Did NOT!

X-Pac: Did too!

HHH: Did NOT!

X-Pac: Did TOO!

HHH: Did not!

X-Pac: Did…NOT!

HHH: Did TOO—whoops!

Manager: Alright, alright, alright—the lot of you—out of my bloody restaurant! All 4 of you, OUT!

X-Pac: Fine! Your pancakes were rubbery and overcooked, anyway!

Manager: GET YOUR ARSES OUTTA' HERE! YOU TOE-RAGS!

HHH: See what you did, Pac?

HBK: Ok, enough guys—let's just go before the cops show up or something.

Harry: Hey Mr. Manager!

Manager: What is it, lad?

Harry: I just got two words for you!

Manager: Wha?

Harry _(Crotch chopping)_: SUCK IT, BLOKE!

_(The manager jumps toward Harry as Harry scurries out of the restaurant and into the waiting short bus.)_

* * *

_Let's pay a visit with Hulk and the gang, as they're now having breakfast…_

Hulk: …so I was sayin', dude—Andre, you can't POSSIBLY drink 900 beers in one sitting, man!

Nash: Hahaha…and what'd Andre say?

Hulk: He said that if Wendi Richter can swallow 9 gallons of King Kong Bundy's sperm, that HE should be able to drink 900 beers, dude!

Snake: Damn…reminds me of Colonel Campbell's niece, Meryl.

Hall: Huh…what do you mean, mang?

Snake: Yeah, she used to LOVE to swallow.

Hall _(raising an eyebrow)_: Yeah?

Snake: Yeah, she was a whore, man. We almost got married, too. She wanted her favorite song playing, too.

Nash: Yeah, what was that?

Snake: You know that one song by…um…that group Jagged Edge—Let's get Married, you know—"meet me at the altar in your white dress…something, something, something, so we might as well do it".

Hall: Yeah, mang, I heard that song before—it came out not too long ago, right?

Snake: Yeah, but she certainly didn't need to be wearing a white dress—my girl was a whore. It should be meet me in the altar in your RED dress—nasty motherfucker.

_(The boys all have a good laugh, as Hall sips his beer.)_

Hogan: I feel you, brah! My wife's a bit of a whore, herself. In fact, when my daughter, Brooke was a baby, dudes—I knew she'd grow up to be a freak!

Snake: Haha…why? How'd you know that?

Hogan: Well ya' see, brother Snake—Brookie never used to keep the bottle in her mouth. I mean, we'd give her milk but she just REFUSED to keep her bottle in her mouth, dude. Yeah, she'd always like to take the bottle out and squirt the milk all in her hair and all over her face, dudes! I did have to smile a little, though.

Otacon: Yeah, why'd you smile?

Hulk: Hahaha…I told Brookie that she was just like her mother, dude!

.

Aaaaand as the boys all have a bit of a laugh, we'll leave it here tonight.

* * *

Thanks for reading, and tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	8. Stealing Chips and Lying to God

_**Hey fuckers! Here we go again! We're gonna' get right into this and join up with The Hardys—and crew…**_

* * *

Matt: Look, I just don't understand why I couldn't have the damn wheel, Jeff!

Jeff: It's because you have road rage and you end up driving like a dickhead.

Matt: Who are YOU calling a dickhead? Dickhead!

Jeff: Ah shyaddup! You're hatin' on me because all my fans ain't fat!

Matt: Why you_—(he jumps at Jeff, but Lita hold him back)_

Lita: Enough you two!

Katherine: Yeah…Matt, you can be so immature!

Lita: Ummmm…why are YOU calling my boyfriend immature?

Katherine: Ummm…because he IS, perhaps.

Lita: Well at least I HAVE a man—you're nothing but a gothic…nobody!

Katherine: Well, you're a skank with smelly cooch!

Dora _(interrupting)_: COOCH! COOCH! COOCH!...C'MON EVERYBODY—LET'S…SAY…COOCH!

…

Dora: C'MON SAY IT, SAY…COOCH! OH HEY—ISN'T THAT THE NAME OF THAT ONE BLACK INTERVIEWER GUY ON RAW?

Matt: Um…no, HIS name is COACH.

Dora: OH…WELL…OK…SAAAAY COOCH!

Jeff _(smiling)_: COOCH!

Dora: YAAAY, YAAAY, HOORAAAAY FOR COOCH!

Katherine: Cooch, huh? And what do YOU know about…that word, little girl? If your mommy caught you saying naughty words like that, she'd spank you good!

Dora: NO SHE WOULDN'T, KATHY! WE'VE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THE BIRDS AAAAND THE BEES!

Katherine: Wait—you ALREADY had that talk?

Dora: AAAABSOLUTELY! HEY—KATHY! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME, YOU KNOW?

Katherine: I seriously doubt that and you have no right to dictate to me how I'm going to feel about someone!

Dora: WOW! DICTATE…YOU SAID…_DIC_TATE!

Katherine: Yeah, so?

Dora: I CAN USE IT IN A SENTENCE! MY MOMMY CALLED MY DADDY DUMB AND STUPID TODAY!

Matt: Well why? I mean, does this…make you happy? I don't understand—

Dora: MATTIE, WAIT! MY MOMMY CALLED MY DADDY DUMB AAAND STUPIIIID!

Lita: Ok, honey—well what'd your daddy say back?

Dora: HE SAID, "I MAY BE DUMB, AND I MAAAAY BE STUPID, BUT LAST NIGHT SHE SAID MY _DIC_TATE GOOD!"

_(Jeff and Lita are looking at each other and laughing a little, shaking their heads…)_

Matt _(smiling a bit)_: You know, you're a trip Dora.

* * *

_So, we'll leave them be and join up with DX and Harry Potter…._

X-Pac: Hunter, I'm telling you—there was no need to pin EVERYONE at that petrol station, dude.

HBK: Yeah, man—weren't you thinking about how much time we likely lost?

HHH: Guy, guys, guys…calm down! I'm the GAME, for fuck's sake, alright? We'll be ok!

Harry: Well, Mr. H, I certainly hope as such.

HHH: Kid, you've got nothing to fear—I have the power of GOD on MY side!

_(HBK, X-Pac, and Harry all look at each other…)_

HBK: Wha—are you SERIOUS? The power of…God?

HHH: Yes! For it is written—

X-Pac: I HAVE to hear THIS!

HHH: -That whomever is without sin, casteth the first stoneth! And I, the GAME, shall catcheth it and pinneth it!

HBK: Hunter?

HHH: Yes, my disciple?

HBK: Seek help.

_(HHH just waves him off as HBK, X-Pac, and Harry just look at each other rolling their eyes.)_

* * *

_We'll leave them go for a spell and check in on Los Guerreros and the gang, who have decided to stop at a convenience store…_

Eddie: Ok guys, here's the plan—Me and Chavito, we're gonna' distract the guy at the counter.

Chavo: Um…Ok, I can do that.

Eddie: Trish, I need you to go around back and cut the security camera cable.

Trish _(smiling)_: I'm on it!

Eddie: Cool.

Shaggy: Gee, well what do you want me and Scoob to do?

Eddie: I want you two to stay in the car and keep it running.

Shaggy: Ok gotcha' But, could you get me some Oreos, some Chee-Tos, and a Snapple?

Eddie: Simon homes, of COURSE we will!

Shaggy: Ok, c'mon Scoob, let's get back in the van.

Scooby: RRRRIGHT RAGGY!

_A/N-(It just hit me—I failed to tell you what kind of vehicle they picked up from the rental place after they parked their plane, lol. Well, it's a giant red bean…with spinners and fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror.)_

Trish: Ok, so what do you want me to do after I cut the cable?

Eddie: Just come inside as if you were just a regular customer. Chavito will distract the dude at the counter and lure him out. That's when I want you to take this beer bottle and SMASH him over the back of his head!

Trish: Hmm…sounds like a good plan so far.

Eddie: Just watch, chica! I'm fucking BRILLIANT, homes!

Chavo: Ok, you ready, Trish? Ok, put this ski mask on—they prolly' have cameras outside, too.

_(Trish puts on the ski mask and heads toward the rear of the building, looking around. Chavo and Eddie go inside and split up. Eddie goes back toward the freezers and Chavo pretends to be looking around a little with a puzzled look on his face. After a couple moments, he approaches the counter…)_

Chavo: Excuse me, kind sir, but can you show me where the…uhh…bologna is?

Clerk _(bowing)_: Oh, most certainly, you go over toward the-the soda and it should be over there.

_(Eddie is looking at this while carefully stealing a bag of pork rinds. Just as he's doing this, Trish walks in the store. She heads over toward the newspapers and pretends to start reading.)_

Chavo: No, I'm saying can you help me find it—as I couldn't find any back there.

Clerk: Well sir, I'll go help you look. Come, follow me.

_(Chavo and the clerk make their way toward the back where the bologna is kept. Trish sees this and pulls the beer bottle from out of her t-shirt and tiptoes back to where they are.)_

Eddie _(mumbling to himself)_: Hahaaa…everything's going perfect! Time to act!

_(Eddie hears a glass break from over a couple of aisles. Eddie peeks around the corner and sees the clerk laid out, face-down on the floor and Trish with a devilish grin on her face…)_

Eddie: Damn, she did it! YO CHAVITO, LET'S GET IT GOIN' MAN! TRISH, CHAVO, GRAB EVERYTHING YOU CAN!

_(Chavo and Trish are feverishly grabbing all sorts of things, chips, crackers, peanuts, beef jerky, sodas. Trish hit the feminine products aisle HARD—In a big armful, she has douche, condoms, pregnancy tests, chocolate, and pocky. Eddie has Chips, sodas—even though he can't understand the writing, he recognizes the pictures, lol. Chavo's taking all of the ice cream bars, more chips…and the money out of the register.)_

Eddie: C'MON, LET'S MOVE BEFORE SOMEONE WALKS IN ON THIS SHIT, MAN!

_(Trish, Eddie, and Chavo bolt out of the store and into the waiting van.)_

Trish: Shaggy, c'mon and drive, drive, DRIIIVE!

Shaggy: ZOIKS! Better step on it!

_(The…van quickly backs up and speeds out of the lot as Chavo slides the door shut.)_

Eddie: See? I KNEW that shit would work, homes!

Trish: Wow, I just saved MYself a fortune—all these hygiene products, I won't have to go back to the store for a LONG time, baby! HAHAAAA!

Chavo: Hey Shaggy, I got your Chee-Tos, your Oreos, and your Snapple!

Shaggy: Ok groovy!

Scooby: REAH, ROOVY, ROOVY! A-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HEE!

_(Chavo smiles and gives Scooby a Scooby snack.)_

Chavo: There you go, boy!

_(Scooby licks his lips wanting more…)_

Shaggy: Here, Scoob, have some Chee-Tos!

Scooby: REETOS! REETOS! A-SCROOOOOBY DOOBY DOOOOOOOO!

And, with that, I'll stop it here.

* * *

So, is HHH going to gain any more "disciples"—let's hope not, I'd hate to turn on RAW and find everyone in the audience pinning one another—wait, I HAVE seen something like that, but everyone was naked. Hm…anyway, moving on—is it me, or could Trish have just lifted her shirt and made to counter clerk faint instead of breaking a bottle over his head? Just sayin'. And Why doesn't Harry Potter use a magic spell to help him and DX score an easy victory? Well, he told me—he said that he'd rather EARN his right to head up either RAW or SmackDown. Hey, you gotta' give the kid his props, eh? Finally for those wondering who "Katherine" is—it's LadyKatherine29's OC. Give her a warm welcome, people!

.

Anyway, tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	9. Propellers and Mysteries and Milk, oh My

_**Ok, last we left off, using Shaggy as a getaway driver, the Guerreros and Trish stole a ton of food from the local convenience store. Now, however, we'll join back up with DX and Harry Potter, as they're making a pit stop at a rest stop in Northampton…**_

* * *

HBK: Damn…I hope we're leading.

HHH: I'm pretty sure we are. I feel good about it, how about you, Pac?

X-Pac: Meh…I don't know. I think that that one restaurant that kicked us out really slowed us down. Oh, by the way—Harry, sa-WEEET DX chop you laid on that manager!

Harry: Much obliged, X-Pac. The bloke had it comin'!

_(There's a momentary silence between the guys when…)_

X-Pac: Damnit! This is boring—I'm gonna' get some phone numbers from some girls.

_(X-Pac walks off.)_

Harry: Eh, guys, is he always this…

HBK & HHH: Random?

Harry: Exactly.

HHH _(sipping his soda)_: Well, you see, Harry, Sean tends to get bored easily.

HBK: Yeah, when I invited him to my church, he fell asleep during the praise and worship part—you know, that's the part where people are jumping, singing, dancing, fake-passing-out, etcetera.

Harry: Oh…I think I see what you mean. We have a church like that in Hogwarts called The First Baptist Church of Hogwarts.

HBK: Wha? The First Baptist Church of…Hogwarts?

Harry: Absolutely. The services are outstanding, indeed. Gollum, from _Lord of the Rings,_ is our bass player.

HHH: Well who else goes there?

Harry: Ohhh…there's Cornelius Agrippa! He's the choir director. HIS problem is that he feels as though he has to lead every song because all the microphones are his.

HBK: Huh? What the—what kind of attitude is that?

Harry: Sha—that's what I'm wondering, mate. He'd be like "If I can't lead this song, you lot can't use these microphones".

HHH: So…it seems like an interesting crowd, to say the least.

HBK: Yeah, tell me about it-

_(Just then, a loud slapping noise can be heard. The boys turn and find X-Pac flying in mid-air with a reddish hand imprint on his face…) _

All three of them: DAAAAAAAAAMN!

HHH: That—right there was the highest I've seen him hit, wow. Anyway, Harry—tell me more about this…church you go to.

Harry: Sure, there's my friend Ginny—she's been caught stealing out of the offering plate like, 5 times.

HBK: Hahahahahaaa…there's this guy at MY church who always does that shit, man!

* * *

_(I'll just let Harry keep explaining the finer points of his, ahem, CHURCH to DX. Now, we'll move on to Hulk and the crew, as Hulk stopped at a grocery store…)_

Nash: Hey Hulkster, bring me back an iced tea, willya'?

Hulk: You got it, brother. Guys, I'll be right back.

_(Hulk gets out of his car and enters the store…)_

Hulk _(mumbling to himself)_: Damn, I'm the tallest mofo IN this joint…

_(There's a TON of people running around the store and all around Hulk. It sounds like a bunch of different people saying "Tokyooo-Tok, Tokyooo-Tok")_

Hulk looks around for the milk…

Hulk: Ah, here's my shit! And, it's on SALE, too!

_(Hulk makes his way up to the counter and grabs an iced tea out of the refrigerator. He puts his stuff up on the counter…)_

Pimple-faced clerk _(in Japanese)_: Will this be all for today, sir?

Hulk _(ALSO in perfect Japanese)_: This'll be all, brother.

Clerk _(in Japanese)_: Ok, that'll be 5 Yen.

_(Hulk reaches in his tights and pulls out his wallet. He starts thinking, and…)_

Hulk _(In Japanese)_: Wait a minute, brother. How much was the milk?

Clerk _(oh, YOU get it, geez)_: Ah, it was 3 yen.

Hulk: But your sign said it was 2 Yen, dude.

Clerk: I'm sorry, but that sale was last week.

Hulk: Sorry dude, but you're gonna' have to eat this one. Your sign said 2 yen—I can point it out to you if you want.

Clerk: Look, all I know is that that sale is over and that the milk is 3 yen.

Hulk: Do you know who I am, dude?

Clerk: Yeah, some old guy who's making a problem over 1 yen.

_(Hulk proceeds to rip off his t-shirt, and glares at the kid while flexing his arms.)_

Clerk _(shaking a little)_: Um…uh, sure sir, y-you can have it. Just take it!

Hulk _(smiling)_: Thanks, It was nice doin' business with you…brother!

_(Hulk leaves the store as the clerk tries to catch his breath. Hulk jumps into his car…)_

Nash: What kept you, man?

Hulk: That punk cashier had to learn who he's messing with!

Hall (sipping yet another beer): What happened, mang?

Hulk: The price on the milk said 2 yen, when I went up to pay for it, that li'l punk tried to charge me 3 yen!

Snake: I'd have pointed my Ruger in his face—THAT would've prevented any argument.

Hulk: Yeah—I'll have to remember that in case that happens again, dude.

* * *

_Ok, we'll leave them be for now and join up with Los Guerreros and company…_

Eddie: We ROBBED them fools!

Trish: Oh my GOD—I've NEVER hit someone over the back of the head with a bottle before!

Chavo: So, how'd it feel, chica?

Trish: Chavo—it felt…GREAT! I –I don't know if it's something I've unconsciously always wanted to do, but…it felt SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD, hahahahaaaaa!

Shaggy: Uh, hey Scoob, where are the pork rinds?

Scoob: Mmmm…rork rinds, rork rinds!

Chavo: Here you go, man!

Shaggy opens the bag an immediately swallows half of the contents.

Shaggy: Mmmm-MMM, I'll tell ya' Eddie—you suuuuure can steal a mean bag of skins!

Eddie: ORALE HOMES! You're the best getaway driver since…well, ME!

Shaggy: Thanks! When I drove the Mystery Machine, we always escaped the ghosts or monsters chasing US!

Trish: Yeah, Shaggy IS a seriously good getaway driver, Eddie. I remember tagging along with Him, Scooby, Daphne, Velma, and Alan—we solved the mystery of who was stealing Mrs. McMahon's underwear.

_(Eddie and Chavo look at each other.)_

Chavo: So, uh who was stealing, ugh, Mrs. McMahon's drawers?

Trish: Well, it turned out to be Jim Ross!

Eddie: What? JR?

Trish: Yep, he tried to do a Jedi mind trick with Daphne, but she was on her game! He tried to pose as some…some…"ghost of panties past", or some shit like that—it was hilarious!

Scooby: Reah, reah, roast of ranties rast! AH-HEE-HEE-HEEE-HEEE!

Trish: You should've seen it—this so-called "ghost" was nothing more than JR getting busted in Mrs. McMahon's bedroom BUTT-NAKED, sniffing a pair of Linda's panties while jerking off using Mr. McMahon's Preparation H!

_(They all look at each other and go…)_

All: EEEWWWWWWWWW!

* * *

_Ok, let's leave that filthy scene and join up with the Hardys and the others…_

Katherine: You know, Jeff, I was just thinking about what if we roomed together next time we stop at a hotel?

Jeff: Well, I do, uh…I think that can be arranged!

Dora: WOW! KATHY, ARE YOU AND JEFFY GOING TO SLEEP TOGETHER?

Matt _(interjecting)_: -Uh, Dora, they're adults. You—are a child, you should mind your manners, mmkaaay?

Dora: AWW, IT'S OK, MATTIE! I ALREADY **TOLD** YOU—I'VE **HAD** THE TALK ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES, SO IT'S OK! SO, JEFFIE, KATHY—ARE YOU TWO GOING TO DO IT?

_(Jeff and Katherine look at each other, blushing)_

Jeff: …

Katherine: …

Dora: C'MON YOU TWO! I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO DO HER DOGGIE, RIGHT, JEFFIE? CAN YOU ALL SAY…**DOGGY**?

…

Dora: C'MON…I KNOW YOU CAN! **SAY**…DOGGIE!

…

Dora: DON'T MAKE ME REPEAT IT AGAIN, ASSHOLES! SAY…**DOGGIE**!

_(The other four all look at each other and…)_

All: Uh…doggy?

Dora: YAAAY…YAAAAAY…YOU SAID…DOGGYYYYY!

Matt: Uh, Lita?

Lita: What?

Matt: I don't know about you, but I think Dora might have been here in a past life, or something.

Lita: Oh, come on, Matt. She's not that bad!

_(Just then, Dora pulls something from out of her backpack…)_

Dora: EVERYBODY, I WANT YOU TO MEET MR VIBRATION!

Jeff: Who the heck is "Mr. Vibration"?

_(Lita's eyes get as wide as saucers…)_

Lita: Why—why, you little THIEF! GIVE me that!

Dora: EWWW…MR. VIBRATION, YOU SMELL FUNNY!

Lita _(reaching for Dora, as she plays keep away)_: How did you FIND that? Matt, grab that from her!

_(Matt tries to grab Lita's dildo from Dora, but Dora Jabs himn in the eye with it.)_

Matt: AAAGH…YOU LITTLE SHIT!

_(Jeff and Katherine are cracking up as all this is going on…)_

Dora: WOW! WHEN I TURN IT ON AND PLACE IT ON THE GROUND, IT GOES "BRRRRRRRR" AND IT SPINS AROUND LIKE A PROPELLER, TOO! CAN YOU SY…PROPELLER?

…

Dora: C'MON…**SAY**…PROPELLER!

…

Dora: DAMMIT, SAY PROPELLER OR I'M THROWING IT OUT THE **WINDOW**!

Lita: PROPELLER, PROPELLER, PROPELLER! Now give it here!

Dora: HERE YOU GOOOOO!

Lita: You know, Matt—when that girl was still in her mom's womb, her mom should've swallowed a brick and BUSTED her in her head!

_(Dora tosses the dildo to Lita, as Jeff and Katherine continue to whoop it up. Matt glares at Lita…)_

Lita: What's YOUR problem?

Matt: So THIS is why I'm, how do you phrase it?—"insufficient"?

Lita: Matt, I-I can explain—

Matt: Save it, we'll talk about this later.

* * *

Ok, I'll end it here tonight, I'm tired.

.

But don't forget to tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	10. Nap Time, Jobbing, and Say No to Drugs!

**I wanna' get a quick one in before the holiday, because I'm gonna' be grilling my ASS off! So, ok here we go…**

* * *

_Last we left off, Hulk had to prove JUST who he is to a counter clerk at a grocery store in Fukushima. So, naturally, we're going to join up with…ummmm…let's join up with—aw FUCK IT—we'll join up with the nWo!_

Otacon: So, Scott…do you know a guy named Jake Roberts?

Hall: You mean Jake "The Snake"?

Otacon: Yeah, you ever meet him, or anything?

Hall: Hahaha…chico, he's my road dog! I mean, I hang around him pretty much as often as I do with big Kev.

Otacon: Wow…I've always wanted to meet him. He had one of the most brilliant wrestling minds, like EVER!

Hall: Yeah, I'll have to give you that one, Otacon, mang.

Nash: Yeah, just be careful when he goes on one of his famed "crack fits".

Otacon: Wha? Did you say "crack fic"?

Nash: No, not "Crack FIC"—that's what WE'RE in right now. I'm talking about a "crack FIT"—you know, like a Honda FIT, but it…just has crack in it, that's all.

Otacon: Oh…so he DRIVES a Crack FIT?

Snake _(impatient)_: No, you simpleton! He's talking about Jake's well-known crack habit! GOD you're fucking stupid.

Otacon _(thinking)_: OHHHH…NOW I get it!

Hall and Nash just look at each other, shaking their heads.

Otacon: So, what about them? How does he act?

Hall: Hahaha…Chico, I can tell you soooo many stories.

Nash: OOH—tell him about that time when he tried to rob that one chick at the mall!

Hall: Shit! Yeah, mang! Ok…Otacon, we were in this one mall, right? It was me, big Kev, and Jake. Jake saw this one chick who just got done at the ATM machine. We noticed immediately when he got that "glimmer" in his eye, that he was about to make a bad decision.

Kevin: Yeah, and we TRIED to stop him and talk him out of it, but he had his mind made up. You see, he did like, 7 lines before we even got IN the damn mall.

Hall: So, you KNOW Jake was feeing like he could do no wrong.

Otacon: Damn…ok go on…

Kevin: Well, Jake goes UP to this chick, and me and Hall both turn around and start heading in the opposite direction, because we didn't want ANY part of that shit, there!

Hall: Well Jake goes up behind her and pulls out an empty Heineken bottle from his tights. He puts it on her back—open end in, you know, so that it feels like a gun-and she yelps a little and slowly raises her arms as Jake is in back of her, just grinning and whispering something in her ear.

Otacon: Wow, so what happened next?

Kevin: Well, we see the cops coming and we just duck into the closest store to get a better vantage point because, by now, we already know that ol' Jake was on his way to jail—only HE didn't see the cops yet.

Hall: Yeah, so me and the big mang were peeking around the corner of this one store across the way, when we heard the cops yell "FREEZE! DROP YOUR WEAPON!"

Nash: Jake…being JAKE, turned around and actually pointed the bottle at this young lady's head. This dickhead was yelling "No YOU freeze, or the I'm shooting the girl!"

Hall: The cops looked at each other and laughed. Jake was all like "I MEANT IT—I'LL SHOOT HER!" Then he suddenly took off running toward the food court. Thwe cops yelled "HEY, GET BACK HERE!"

Nash: We saw the cops looking for him in the food court, but the coke must;ve been talking to him, or something because when we saw him peeking around the corner trying to evade the cops, he was ASS-NAKED!

Hall: Hahahaha! The people were screaming and gasping, a couple of old ladies fainted and, of course, Jake took the time to bend down and snatch their purses. Oh, one of the husbands tried to stop him, but Jake kicked him in the midsection and DDTd the dude right on the floor.

Nash: The police turned and yelled "HEY YOU!" Otacon, I'm telling you that I've NEVER seen Jake run so quick!

Hulk: Well everyone knows you ain't—you ain't catchin' no crackhead, brother!

Snake: Haha…true, true.

Hall: Anyway, the cops wound up catching him eventually. You see, a little girl saw Jake running from the cops in his birthday suit—powdery moutache, and all. She was drinking a lemonade from the pretzel stand and saw Jake running her way. She poured the drink all over the floor and Jake slipped and slid into the athletic store sideways, knocking the coat rack over.

Nash: AAAAhahahahaaaa! Now THAT shit was funny. He looked like he just got thrown out of the ring by Goldberg, or someone. You should've seen it—the one girl was cussing him OUT as he was trying to shake the stars off!

Hall: Yeah mang, when the police hauled ol' Jake out, she smacked him in the back of his head for "messing up her display".

Otacon: Daaaaamn…sick, dude.

Kevin: So, in other words—just say "no" to crack, dude.

* * *

_Ok, let's let them play a little while longer and join up with DX and Harry, as they head toward Oxford…_

HBK: Looks like we're getting close to Oxford, guys.

X-Pac: Yeah, I just hope the women aren't as stuck up in Oxford as that one bitch was back at that rest stop. My face STILL stings, man.

HHH: I meant to ask you—what made her slap you, dude?

X-Pac: You ever heard of "making a mountain out of a molehill"?

HHH: Yeah, so?

X-Pac: Well…that's what that uptight whore did! I didn't say anything I wouldn't say to any other pretty girl I see!

HBK: Well, what'd you say?

X-Pac: Look, all I said was that I'd like a pair of her panties so that I could make some soup, that's all.

HHH, HBK, and Harry all look at each other and then back at X-Pac…

HBK _(sarcastically)_: Gee, was that IT? And here I thought you said something offensive.

X-Pac: Yeah, I know, right? I mean…wait—HEY!

HBK: X-Pac, I swear, dude—you can suuure be DUMB sometimes.

HHH: Hey, we're getting near Oxford!

Harry: There's this one restaurant I LOVE going to in Oxford!

HBK: Yeah? What's it called?

Harry: It's called "The Turf Tavern"!

HHH: Hmm…what kind of food do they have?

Harry: Oh, very fresh, simple, standard fare—fish and chips, oh, and they sometimes have a special—bacon and egg ice cream!

HHH: Can I pin it?

Harry: "Pin it"? I'm sorry Hunter, but I'm confused.

HHH: Can I pin the ice cream?

Harry: Wha—NO you con't pin the bloody ice cream! Anyway, they have the most DELECTABLE streaky bacon!

HHH: Can I pin the bacon?

Harry: C'mon HHH!

HBK: Hahaha…hey how's their fish and chips?

Harry: It's dynamite, mate! It's served with mushy peas and good malt vinegar!

HHH: Can I pin all three, then? How about that?

HBK AND Harry: NO!

HHH: Oh, c'mon! I always pin my food before I eat it! Even my FOOD has to job to the greatness that is I!

HBK: Put a sock in it, Hunter.

HHH: I shat not put a socketh inneth it!

X-Pac: Oh boy, here he goes again…

HHH: For it is written—On the 7th day, God created the Gameth, and on that day, he said, letteth there be lighteth,…and I pinnethed it!

HBK: Hunter, don't start—

HHH: Chill out, I'm not finished! On the 8th day, God spoke, er, SPAKETH to me—GO to Jerusalem, my child, you will find some dude named Jonah inside of a whaleth. He will jobbeth to you and the whaleth will also! For there will be a lobster, and he shall possesseth a referee shirt and he'll make the counteth.

X-Pac: You're full of shit, Hunter. You know that, right?

HHH: Well I wouldn't say that, X-Job.

X-Pac: What'd you call me?

HHH: Job-Pac.

X-Pac: Oh no, not THIS again!

HHH: What do you JOB, job job job?

HBK _(whispering to X-Pac)_: I hope Steph doesn't call him, they're newlyweds and I don't think Steph's seen THIS side of him.

HHH: Hey Job, job, job job job job, job-job?

HBK _(rolling his eyes)_: YES Hunter, I THINK if you ask nicely, the front manager at the restaurant will let you go over clean on her, but THIS time—no humping the person you're pinning, huh?

HHH: Job. I'm Triple-Job.

HBK _(sighing)_: Fine then.

* * *

_We'll let them continue forward and we'll join back up with…umm…The Hardys, and company…_

Lita is going through her pics on her cellphone…

Lita: Matt, baby…are you still mad at me?

Matt: …

Lita: the only way to get past this is to talk it out, honey.

Matt: …

Lita _(sighing)_: Ok then, fine. DON'T speak to me, then.

_Matt looks over at Lita thumbing through her cellphone to find pics to post on her LiveJournal page. Curiosity's getting the best of Matt as he starts to glance over more and more often at Lita's phone…_

Lita _(still looking at her phone)_: I know you're looking, Matt.

Matt: I am NOT!

Lita: Matt, quit bullshitting me! I SEE you! Now, do you want to talk to me, or not?

Matt _(whispering)_: SHH! You're gonna' wake Dora! You remember how long it took for us to get her to go to sleep!

Lita: Oh, that reminds me, Katherine—thanks for summoning that CM Punk dude from 2010. He explained that he remembers 2002, but didn't yet have that GTS finisher thingie he did to Dora, haha!

Katherine: Eh, no problem, babe!

Matt: What are those pictures?

Lita: Well, since you're FINALLY talking to me again—I'll let you look.

_Lita hands Matt the phone and Matt starts going through the pics…_

Matt _(finally smiling)_: Hey, I remember this—this was when we went to Cancun that one year! Oh, and THIS one's from when we flew to Hong Kong!

_Matt thumbs through a few more and hits a new album…_

Lita: Oh, these were photos that Trish sent me. I deleted all of the one's I didn't want.

Matt _(smiling still)_: Ahahaha! Here's Trish's reaction at that one surprise party we threw for her to celebrate her second title reign!

Lita: Remember when Terri Runnels passed out drunk in her chair and Goldust teabagged her?

All: AHAHAHAAAA!

Jeff: Hey, I got one—remember, at that SAME party, when Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry was getting chaed all over the building by a half-naked Mae Young?

Matt: Yeah! HA!

_Matt continues going through the pics and hits another album. He sees the first pic and smiles devilishly at Lita…_

Matt _(whispering)_: Um…you sure you want this on your phone?

Lita _(whispering)_: Of course, you fuddy-duddy! When you sent me a pic of your semi-erect cock, it melted my heart, baby, tee-hee!

Matt: I love you, baby!

Lita: I love you, too!

Jeff: What's all the fuzzy lovin' for? What are you two up—

_Suddenly Matt's face contorts into a disgusted frown…_

Matt: Wait a second! Lita—what is this! Who's fucking dick is THIS?

_Lita looks over and smack herself upside the forehead…_

Lita: Matt, I-I meant to erase it, honey! I SWEAR!

Matt: Look at the SIZE of this thing!

Lita _(desperate)_: Well-well isn't it yours?

Katherine: BWAAAHAHAHAAA!

Matt: SHUT UP, KATHERINE! Look, don't bullshit me, Lita! Look at mine back on this pic here and look at this one! This…thing here looks like someone cut off a midget's leg and glued it on their stomach, or something!

Lita: Well…well…I found your secret porno collection!

Matt: No you didn't!

Lita: Have you noticed some editions missing, like #48 of your favorite fetish magazine?

Matt: You DIDN'T—

Lita: Damn right I did! Why are you looking at someone's Pomeranian eating a woman out?

Jeff and Katherine: UGH! EWWWWWW! MATT!

_Suddenly, Dora wakes up—with a knot on her head from the GTS laid on her earlier, lol…_

Dora: YAAAY, YAAAY, GOOD MORNING, PEOPLE! WAS SOMEONE LICKING A PUPPY-DOG?

Katherine _(thinking quickly, waving her hands)_: Tables, Ladders, Ladders, Chairs, I call forth CM punk to materialize out of thin air!

Dora: OH NO!

_CM appears out of thin air, as the "car" is moving, he has his hands on his hips—like a superhero, or something…_

CM Punk: Sorry I gotta' do this! -Go to sleep!

_Punk tosses Dora in the air like a pizza and the other side of her forehead lands on his kneecap and she peacefully falls back asleep._

CM Punk: I'll be unavailable for a while, I have a poker game tonight. Damn shame, that kid's forehead's gonna' end up looking like a giraffe's when she conmes to, haha...See ya' later!

_Punk's body twists and contorts as he disappears in a ball of light._

Lita: See what you almost DID, loudmouth?

Matt: Hey, I'm not the one with naked men in my phone!

Lita: No, YOU just have naked WOMEN under our bed—thinking I wouldn't FIND that shit!

_So, Jeff and Katherine sigh and cover their ears as Matt and Lita continue to argue._

* * *

And, with that, I'll end it here tonight. As for Los Guerreros and crew—meh, I'll get with them next time. I have to get packing to leave for the holiday. I hope all of you (who celebrate it) have a nice 4th of July! And no trying to pin the food, either!

.

See you next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	11. Nightlife and Daylight Recruiting part 1

_**Heeeeey! Like a bad case of herpes, I'M BACK, BITCHES! Well, let's see…I had a WONDERFUL 4th, I hope all of you (again, who celebrate it) had one as well. So, with the *ahem* formalities out of the way, let us commence with the story, here…**_

* * *

_It's evening now, and Eddie's bunch are in Downtown Tokyo, as sort of a stop-over for a break…_

Chavo: SIMON, ESE! I'm ready to party!

Eddie: Ok, ok, man. Guys, here's the plan. We've got our reservations at the Park Hotel! So, here are all of your key cards. Don't lose this shit, alright?

Trish: Ooh, I think I'm just going to get a martini and then call it a night. It's been a long day.

Shaggy: Trish, I tell ya', you've got the right idea. Hey Eddie, whaddya' say we all split up? We passed a sushi restaurant that has me and Scoob's name on it!

Eddie: Eh, ese…that's cool with me, but be sure to be back at the hotel at a decent enough time so that you can get up tomorrow—don't forget, we're normally AWAKE during these hours at home, so we're gonna' have to be EXTRA careful about the partying.

Chavo: Hey, c'mon Uncle Eddie—we know that, let's PARTY, homes!

Eddie: Hmm…LET'S PARTY, ESE!

So each of them go off on their separate way…However, we're sticking with Trish as she heads over to the Tokyo Bar…

Trish goes in and sees an empty seat up at the bar. She sits and one of the bartenders approaches her…

Bartender: Hello there, are you ready to order?

Trish: Ummm…yeah, I'd like a few Grey Goose martinis—um, no, wait…I'd like some Grey Gooses-es? Is that it? No…no…I'd like some Grey…Geese?

Bartender:…

Trish: Ah…fuckit—gimme'a FLOCK of vodka, please! Haha!

Bartender _(smiling)_: Haha…ok, coming right up, miss.

_A couple moments pass and the bartender returns with the drink…_

Bartender: Will that be all?

Trish: Yes, thank you.

_Trish sips her drink when, out of the corner of her eye, she sees two people walking up to the counter. She almost does a spit-take when she sees who they are…_

Trish: Wha—OH my God!

_The guys turn toward her…_

Carter: Hey Li, look it's Trish Stratus!

Li: I can see that, Carter. Hello, Ms. Stratus!

Trish: Hi boys, fancy meeting you two out here—why are you two in Tokyo, anyway?

Carter: Well, we on vacation. We gonna'get some "moo-shoo", BABY!

Li _(smiling)_: Yeah, we go to massage parlor, later.

Carter: Don't forget, Li—you promised NOT to have us in another massage parlor just to take another one of your cases, man! I ain't GETTING' my butt kicked by a bunch of 5-foot four triads, man!

Li: No, I didn't forget…don't worry, Carter. I got this! And the Triads are based out of China!

Carter: Ok..well-JAPAN-ads, then! And listen to you—"I got this", maaaan, you becoming more black by the minute!

Trish: Hee-hee…he IS, is he?

Carter: Trish, lemme' TELL you where Li had us goin'—he took me to, uh…Wong's Sushi and Soul Food! Wong had about 9 little Tiger Woods-lookin' kids running around the restaurant! 'Dey momma was walkin' around with one baby hangin' from her left titty and a baby that was hangin' halfway down from in between her legs like he was trying to get out of her womb, or somethin'! Don't nobody want to see that, MAN!

Li: But, you have to admit—their collard greens were the bomb…uh, diggity! You see, I had 'de collard green with mac and cheese, with fried chicken. Carter had a couple Dragon rolls.

Trish: Aaaaahahahaaa—you two KILL me! I hope you guys make another movie soon! I LOVED that movie you did last year-_Rush Hour 2_!

Carter: I don't know, baby. You just gonna' have to stay tuned. It was nice seein' you, Trish.

Li: Yes, it was nice seeing you, Trish!

Trish _(raising up her glass)_: Ok, have a good night, boys!

_(Carter and Li exit the bar…)_

Carter: Li, I'm tellin' you—I coulda' HIT that!

Li: Oh please, Carter! You always say that about every girl you talk to!

Carter: No I don't—you just mad because these women think I'm tall, dark, and handsome…and you 3rd-world ugly!

Li: Look, Carter, for the ump…teenth time—I'M not third-world ugly! Women LOVE me! They think I'm cute!

Carter: Ok, when's the last time you got the filling sucked out of yo' eggroll, c'mon, tell me!

Li: We—well, last week!

Carter _(skeptically)_: Last week?

Li _(smiling)_: Remember Ginger?

Carter: That wasn't no girl! She had an Adam's apple!

Li: I didn't see one!

Carter: Maaaan, that shit was bigger than MINE!

Li: Whatever, Carter—don't hate 'de player, hate 'de GAME!

_(Carter looks at Li with an "oh please" expression and they walk on—Carter's dancing down the street as they go…)_

* * *

_Hey, how about we join up with DX, over in Jolly old England? Let's go!_

HHHunter: Hm…I think we should get some dinner, soon—I'm getting kinda' hungry.

HBK: Well, that restaurant in Oxford that Harry mentioned shouldn't be too far away.

Harry: Actually, guys—it's about 90 kilometers away—just up the road here.

X-Pac: Oh, there's a sign for it, too! Damn, that steak looks fuckin' AWESOME, dude!

_(HBK sees the restaurant and drives up to it and parks the bus…)_

HBK: Ok, evvvvrybody out!

Harry: Awesome, only 5 other cars—we're SURE to get a good seat! We beat the rush!

HBK: What? Does this place fill up fast, or something?

Harry: Oh, hahaha…you can say that, Mr. HBK.

HBK: I've been meaning to tell you—just call me Shawn, ok?

Harry: Whatever you say, Mr Shawn.

HBK: But I just—nevermind, let's go eat, guys.

_(DX approaches the waitress and she leads them to a table…)_

Host: How do you fancy this table, gents?

HHH: Oh, we, uh…we fancy it quite well.

Host: Splendid. Here are your menus. I'll be back momentarily to take your orders.

X-Pac _(looking around)_: This seems like a pretty swanky place. Good idea, Harry.

Harry: Wait'll you taste the food! I'm having my usual Fish n' Chips, of course.

HBK: Hmm…the Heart-Break Kid needs a li'l steak in his life, sooooo…I'm ordering the Prime Rib. How about you, Hunter?

HHH: Um…I think I'll have the bacon-crusted pork chops. They sound friggin' awesome.

X-Pac: Well, I think I'll have the Angus special with streaky bacon-and that shit better be crisp, too!

HBK: Here she comes…

Waitress: Have you decided yet, gents?

HBK: Uh yes…

_(The boys all place their orders and the waitress nods and heads toward the back…)_

X-Pac: Guys, I'm heading next door to the bar. Page me when our food gets here, dude.

HHH: Yeah, I got you, Pac.

_(X-Pac leaves and heads next door—and WE'RE following him…)_

X-Pac: Damn, it's kinda crowded in here—what the!

_(X-Pac squints and sees an evil-looking blue-haired guy that he hasn't seen in AGES sitting at the bar with some blond guy, a girl, and…Donald Duck? He approaches them and…)_

Blue-haired guy: …and that is why I'm so evil. I show NO mercy! **All** who shall come before me will **fall**!

X-Pac _(sneaking up behind the guy, interrupting)_: -And I see you're talking the saaaaame shit—even today, huh?

Blue-haired guy: Who DARE to interrupt me?

X-Pac: I do, THAT'S who!

_(The guy and the others turn around..)_

X-Pac: Seph, Seph, Seph—how many times have I told you?

Sephiroth: Well, well, well—my old nemesis…X-PAC!

X-Pac: Been a long time, eh Sephiroth? What are you doing in fucking OXFORD, of all places? Aren't you supposed to be in Japan?

Sephiroth: Meh…I got tired of Japan. I wanted to see the world, so I hopped on my dragon and flew here to England.

X-Pac: Hey Seph, who's the crowd?

Sephiroth: Oh, this is Cloud, this is Tifa, and this is—well, this is Donald Duck.

X-Pac: Donald Duck? Hahaha…I bet someone's under that costume!

_(X-Pac reaches for Donald's head and starts pulling up, trying to remove the "mask".)_

Donald: HEY, NIGGA!

X-Pac: Holy fuck! This really IS Donald Duck—and it's nice to see you when I'm NOT high on 'shrooms, dude! And…why do you sound…black?

Tifa _(changing the subject QUICKLY)_: Well, it's nice meeting you, uh…X-Pac, was it?

Cloud: Yeah, I'm Cloud. I know it's odd to see us hanging with Sephiroth, but, well, we're looking for a quest that'll help ALL of us.

X-Pac: What do you mean?

Tifa: Ok, Sephiroth is evil incarnate—if you've ever played the Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts series—you KNOW this to be fact.

X-Pac: Yeah, ok…

Tifa: Well, Cloud wants the darkness to finally leave him so that Sephiroth will leave us BE once and for all.

X-Pac: Well…what about Donald Duck?

Tifa: Oh, him? Although HE'S almost as evil as our pal Sephiroth here—he needs to get back to Disneyland.

X-Pac: Hmm…you know, I'm on a quest, too. In fact my boss is IN Florida NOW! He sent me and my friends on this race to get him some beer and porn. He's looking for a certain magazine and a certain type of booze that can't be readily found here, apparently.

Cloud: Hmm…I think I see where you're going. Is there some sort of prize for winning this, uh…race?

X-Pac: Shit yeah, dude! The winner gets to run his or her choice of the shows AND head up the inaugural wrestling draft. So, how about it? Wanna' join me and my buddies?

Sephiroth: Hmm…what you say does make sense. It shall be a pleasure for people to witness the greatness that is Sephiroth in the squared circle. Count me in.

Cloud: Tifa, Donald, you guys in?

Donald _(grabbing his crotch)_: That's what I'M Talkin' 'bout, QUACK-QUAAAACK, nigga'!

Tifa: Sure, I'll be there for you, Cloud.

Cloud: Ok, count us in, too, man!

X-Pac: AWESOME! Ok, our car is the bus parked out front. I'll introduce you all to the guys once we get done eating. You guys stay here—HEY BARTENDER, NEXT TWO ROUNDS—ON ME!

_(Sephiroth raises his beer mug as X-Pac pays the tab and leaves. X-Pac heads back over to the restaurant…)_

HHH: Where ya' been, man? We're almost done.

X-Pac: I TOLD you to PAGE me!

HBK: Whoa, whoa, whoa…he paged you! Look at your beeper.

_(X-Pac looked at his beeper and realized that he forgot to put it on vibrate—the din in the bar must've drowned out the beeper ring.)_

X-Pac _(rolling his eyes)_: …damn.

HHH _(shrugging, smiling, and taking a huge bite of steak)_: See? Told ya'!

X-Pac: Man, whatever. Hey guys, I got us some new recruits—in fact, they're waiting outside by the bus!

_(Harry, HHH, and HBK stand up and look outside…)_

HHH: Are you nuts, dude? THAT group of misfits?

X-Pac: Hey, give them a chance! In fact, that blue-haired guy out there—he knows more about being evil than you'll EVER know, Hunter. You could learn some things from him.

HHH _(wiping his mouth)_: Well, does he know the power of the pin?

X-Pac: He's so evil, he doesn't even HAVE to!

HHH: Then I look forward to meeting him—in the ring!

X-Pac: Fine…whatever, dude. All I know is—7 heads are better than one.

HBK: Hey Pac, you, uh—you gonna' eat that baked potato?

X-Pac: _(sighing)_: Didn't you hear a WORD I said?

HBK: Sure I did, but did you hear what _***I***_ just said? How about the baked potato?

X-Pac:…

HBK: Well?

X-Pac: Ok, here—eat the stinking baked potato!

_(HBK quickly takes his fork and takes the potato off of X-Pac's plate.)_

X-Pac: Well, anyway guys, um…I convinced—

Harry _(interrupting)_: -Uh yeah, how about your fish?

X-Pac: What?

Harry: Your fish, are you going to eat it?

X-Pac _(growing impatient)_: NO, just TAKE the damn fish! For anyone that wans my steak, FUCK OFF!

_(An awkward silence…)_

HHH: Ummm…can I have your soda?

_(X-Pac just glares at HHH as he packs his steak in a to-go container.)_

HHH _(hands raised)_: Hey, hey…just thought I'd ask, s'all.

I'll leave it off here. The next chapter will be at "the same time" as this one, if you know what I mean. It'll focus on the other two teams and it'll be considered the same day/night.

.

Gee, I wonder if X-Pac will let ME have his cheesecake? And will Trish flash her tits again-you know, like she did earlier?

* * *

Well, I don't know the answer to that one, but I CAN tell you not to forget to tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	12. Chapter 11, Part 2

**_Ok, here we go again—this is sort of the previous chapter, continued, if you will. We'll catch up with DX and the crew as they're on the road…_**

* * *

Tifa: So…uh, HBK…is it?

HBK _(smiling)_: That's right—you're talkin' to the Heart BREAK kid!

Tifa: Oh, I see. Well, how'd you get that nickname, if I may ask?

HBK: Well, it started a long time ago—around 1990, I think. My boss's assistant—Pat Patterson-had a crush on me.

Tifa: Okay, go on.

HBK: Well, the feeling wasn't exactly mutual, in that regard. Yeah, you see, back then I-I was going through a…a phase.

Cloud: A…phase?

HBK: Um…right. I kinda' had a thing going with my old tag partner, Marty Jennetty.

Cloud: Ok, so you were…involved with your tag partner and Pat was jealous, right?

Donald: Sheeeeeeiiiit…you an' that cracka' Marty up in here takin' it up the ass! Straight up PRISON style, bitches!

HBK: Well yeah, pretty much. In fact, I remember one match we had at Madison Square Garden years back. It was ME and Marty versus Demolition—it was for the WWF tag-team championships. Well, Marty had Ax pinned, and I'm thinking that we're gonna' get crowned as the new champs, and here comes Pat Patterson running down the aisle carrying a water bottle and not wearing ANY pants!

Donald: DAYUM, nigga!

HBK: Right! So, Mr. Fuji leaps up on the apron and distracts the ref while Pat gets into the ring, drinks some water, and starts PISSING on Marty! Some piss gets in Marty's eye and Demolition Ax rolls him up for the pinfall!

X-Pac: Well shit, dude—what happened next?

HBK: Ok, well Pat gets on the mic and says, "You broke my heart, kid! I wanted buttsex and you just refused me for the last time!" Then he threw the mic down and headed toward the back!

Tifa: Wow…so, how'd your boss react to THAT?

HBK: Well, he called me into his office and told me that he wanted me to have a new nickname—"the Heart break kid"—to "commemorate" breaking Pat Patterson's heart. And, Tifa—THAT was when I TRULY learned just how much backstage influence Pat really had.

_(The others all just look at each other, shaking their heads in disbelief…)_

HHH: You know something, Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: What is it, mortal?

HHH: You ever been in a cage match?

Sephiroth: Why…no, I haven't. Have you ever defeated an opponent who was strong to all elemental attacks and with fully upgraded armor and accessories?

HHH: Hmm…no, but I bet I could get my wife to write that into a storyline!

Sephiroth: I must say, mortal—you speak of this wife of yours as if she is all-powerful. I should very much like to meet her.

HHH: Oh yeah, she's great. I gotta' say—I LOVE being a part of HER family—I mean…I'm friggin' UNTOUCHABLE, dude! No one can defeat me—it's GREAT!

Sephiroth: I could defeat you.

HHH _(snarling)_: No, you couldn't—because I'm the GAME!

Sephiroth: Mortal, no one can defeat the mighty Sephiroth—just ask Cloud and X-Pac!

Xpac: Um, yeah—he's telling the truth, dude. It took MY ass 13 tries to beat him, and just when I was going to land the finishing blow, my game froze!

HHH _(smirking)_: Hahaha…I usually cause that to happen when someone pins me in my new video game "Smack Down: Here Comes the Pain".

Cloud: Yeah, TELL me about it! No matter WHO I am when I play that, when it comes time to face HHH in the tournament and I have him beat, my game always freezes! That's some bullshit, dude!

HHH: Now, now, everybody—it's just a game! Besides, I AM the Game, and I KNOW you can't PLAY my ass!

Harry: But, why would we want to…play with your arse?

HHH: Um, kid?

Harry: What is it, Mr. H?

HHH: Yeah, uh...try not to think, you'll hurt yourself.

* * *

_(Ok, let's leave them be and join up for a night on the town with the nWo!)_

Hulk: Ok dudes—here's the way this is gonna' play…

Hall: Ok, what's up, mang?

Hulk: We're all gonna' go get some drinks and catch some entertainment, or something—that cool, guys?

Everyone: Yeah, let's go!

Hulk: Ok, cool—ok, there's a strip joint up the road here, brothers! Otacon, you don't have to use your stealth in here since the ladies are ALREADY gonna' be naked.

Otacon _(reappearing)_: Ok, cool. Works for me!

Nash _(disgusted)_: Otacon!

Otacon: What? What's wrong?

Nash _(calmly)_: Otacon…please, put your dick BACK in your pants. And put that lotion away! You trying to get us thrown in jail out here?

Otacon _(sheepishly)_: Oops…my bad, guys.

Hulk: Ok, any questions?

Hall: Nope, I'm good, mang.

Hulk: Cool, lets get a parking spot and go on in.

_(Hulk drives around the block a few times…)_

Hulk: Dude, I have a headache, brothers! Ain't no damn spaces out here!

Nash: Hey, how about using that "big boot" function?

Hulk: Damn, why didn't I think of that?

_(Hulk presses the big boot button and, once again, the legs protrude from the front of the car, effectively pushing the other cars further up the street as he pulls into a parking spot just outside the club…)_

Hulk: Ah, there we go! C'mon, let's go in!

_(The cars parked in front of them are all jammed on top of one another, some are pushed out in the crowded streets, others are pushed underneath taller vehicles, etc—hell, you get the picture.)_

_(And, so the guys head inside and take a seat…)_

Snake: Hm…this is kind of a dive.

Otacon: Yeah, it is a bit of a dive.

Nash: Yeah, but it's places like this one that have a sexiest strippers!

Hall: Yeah, mang! There's this one club in Miami—the strippers are so nasty there.

Otacon: What happened?

Hall: Chico—lemme' tell you—this one skank got finished dancing on the pole and she left a streak of some kind of..stuff on the pole.

Nash: Hahaha…Ugh, man!

Hall: I know, I was laughin' my ass off! Well, my main mang had too much to drink and he stumbled up on stage and smelled the pole and TASTED the fluid!

Snake: EEEEEE! I can't BELIEVE he'd do that!

Hall: Yeah, he said it smelled like eggs and tasted like…sour milk, dude.

Hulk: Damn brother…you gotta' get some new friends.

_(Just then, a stripper comes out to their table an starts dancing with a thong on…)_

Nash: C'mon baby, show me that sweet Jap booty!

Hall: Yeah, c'mon—WORK it, chico!

_(The stripper smiles, turns her butt toward Nash and starts dancing seductively. Nash looks and is visibly disappointed…)_

Hall: What's wrong, mang?

Nash: This sucks!

Snake: Yeah, I know what you mean, Kev. This DOES suck!

Hulk: Guys, guys! I'm trying to enjoy the stripper!

Snake: Well, YOU can enjoy her—personally, I prefer a woman whose BUTT doesn't look like a couple of…fucking…CD cases!

Nash: What kind of strip joint IS this? This chick has NO ass to even SPEAK of! Look at the g-string—it has SLACK in it, dude! Are you KIDDING me?

Hall: Damn!

Snake: Kev, over here in THIS country NONE of the women have asses. I think it's like, tradition, or something. Especially since when the men and women are walking down the street somewhere and you happen to be following them, you really can't tell who's who.

Nash: Yeah, fucking TELL me about it, man! Look at-the-the fucking string ain't supposed to be showing! It's supposed to be covered by…booty-meat! Now can I get a "Whoa bootymeat"?

Snake, Hall, Otacon, and Nash put their hands on top of each other and yell: WHOOOOOAAA BOOOTYMEAT!

Nash: Hulk, you can stay here—we're gonna' hit the karaoke bar next door.

Hulk: Cool…see you dudes later.

_(So Nash and the others, except Hulk, head over to the karaoke bar. They go in and some Japanese guy is __**trying**__ to sing _"You Light Up my Life"_, by Debby Boone—except HIS version is off-key and off-timing…)_

Singer:…and YOOOOOOUUUU…RIIIITE UP MYYYY RIIIIIIFE…YOU…GAVE ME HOOOOOPE…AND YOOOOOOOUUUU…RIIIITE UP MY RIIIIIIIFE…

Nash (fingers in his ears): Damn, they just let ANYONE on stage, huh?

Hall: Well, it IS a karaoke bar, chico.

_(Just then, the dude starts singing a…CHRISTMAS SONG? Yep, 'fraid so—complete with bad timing AND pitch!...)_

Singer: DECK…THE HARRS RIF BARS OF HORRY—FA-RA-RA-RA-RAAA-RA-RA-RA-RAAAAA! TIIIIS…THE SEASON TO BE JORRRY…FA-RA-RA-RA-RA, RA-RA-RA-RAAAAA…

Snake: Damn, this guy sounds like an X-Factor contestant!

Nash: You wanna' get up there and try singing?

Snake: No way, dude. The whole purpose of GOING to one of these types of bars is to get something to post on YouTube—or you're just in the mood for a good laugh and maybe don't have the funds to go to a decent comedy club.

Otacon: Yeah, Snake's right on that one, Kev. That's the only reason I come to these types of clubs—well…THAT and using my stealth to sneak in the women's restroom and get more footage for my website.

Nash: You're a nasty li'l something other, you know that?

Otacon _(smiling)_: Yep.

_(Meanwhile, Hall takes the stage! Kev turns around in shock…)_

Nash: What the—Scott, what are you doing?

Scott _(drunkenly staggering and holding a half-empty martini glass)_: Heeeeey chico, whassshup? Ahahahahahaaa!

Snake: Damn, he's fucked up.

Hall: Ok, ladiesh and gentlmmmen..for my ssshhhong, I'm singin' a classhic! *hic* I'm deicating thissshh to my ex-wife—I LOVE YOU *hic* BABY! OK GUYSSSH—HIT IT, WHOOOOOOOOO!

_(The music starts—and so does Hall…)_

Hall _(playing air-guitar with his martini glass)_: YOU LIIIIIIGHT…THE *HIC* SK-SKIIIIES…UP ABOOOOVE MEEEEEEE…

Snake: Damn.

Nash: What's up, Snake?

Snake: You know, before NOW, I used to like that song.

.

Ok, I'll leave it off here for this go-round. As you can see, everyone's having a good time—well, maybe not Solid Snake. But anyway…

* * *

Don't forget to join my ass next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	13. Chapter 11, Part 3, It Looks Like

_**Damn, here we go again! One thing that was noticeably absent from the last two chapters was Team Extreme—remember them? Lol! But…never fear, I bring them to you in THIS chapter—think of it as "part three" of chapter 11…**_

_**.**_

_The Hardys and crew have just stopped at a shopping mall…_

* * *

Matt _(sighing)_: Lita, please…don't take too long—we're on the clock!

Lita: I know, I know—don't worry, we won't be long.

Matt: That's what you say ALL the time!

Lita: Look…your arguing with me isn't making me come back any sooner—

Matt: Ok fine then—bye!

Lita: Toodles!

Jeff: Hey Katherine, can you, like, summon somebody for us to talk to, or something?

Katherine _(thinking)_: Hmm…sure! Here goes…ahem! PEOPLE WHO ARE WRONG, PEOPLE WHO WORK AS A SNIPER, PEOPLE WHO GO CRAZY, PEOPLE SO HYPER, IN THE TWIKLING OF AN EYE, GIVE ME ROWDY RODDY PIPER!

Matt _(facepalm)_: …Oh no.

Jeff: Yeah!

Hot Rod materializes right into their…car.

Roddy: WHAT'S UP KIDS? OL' HOT ROD HERE, CHILLIN' WITH THE HARDYS, BABY! YEAH!

Katherine _(giggling)_: Have fun, boys!

_(The girls enter the mall giggling amongst themselves…)_

* * *

Matt: Hey, WAIT—

Roddy: OH C'MON KID! YOU SHOULD FEEL PRIVELEGED TO BE AROUND A LIVING LEGEND SUCH AS THE OL' HOT ROD!

Jeff: Well, I'm exited, Mr. Piper!

Roddy: HAHAAA, GREAT, KID!

Matt: Anyway, Jeff—I was telling you earlier, that that stuck-up broad Molly said she was tired of people "leering at her butt". She even accused ME of—

Roddy _(TOTALLY cutting Matt off)_: -AWW YEAH, THE OL' HOT ROD LOVES TO STARE AS ASSES! HAHAHA…YEAH, I BELIEVE…YEAH, I BELIEVE THAT—HEY KID, YOU EVER SEE WENDY RICHTER'S UNDERWEAR? HUH?

Matt _(glancing at Jeff)_: Ummm…no?

Roddy: WELL KID, LEMME' TELL YA'—IT HAS DICK HOLES IN IT! BABY YEAH!

Jeff: Hahaha!

Matt: Um…what does that have to do with—

Roddy: DON'T INTERRUPT ME, KID! YOU KNOW, I PROPOSED AN IDEA TO VINCE ONE TIME AND HE SHOT IT DOWN, DAMNIT!

Jeff: Well, what'd you tell him?

Roddy: I SAID THAT HE SHOULD HIRE MORE DEAF GIRLS TO BE DIVAS, YOU KNOW? HAHAHA!

Matt: Deaf girls? Why?

Roddy: KIDDO, IT ALLLLL STEMS FROM A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE I HAD WHILE DATING A DEAF GIRL BACK IN THE 90'S!

Jeff: What was this "wonderful experience"?

Roddy: WELL, ON NIGHT, I WAS OVER HER PLACE, JUST RAT-A-TAT-TATTIN' THAT ASS FROM BEHIND, RIGHT? WELL, THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME—I COULD **SO** CALL MY FRIENDS WHILE I'M PORKIN' THIS CHICK!

Matt _(facepalm)_: Dude…are you…are you SERIOUS?

Roddy: HAHAHA…YEAH **BUDDY**! I CALLED MY BOY AND I SAID TO HIM, I SAID—"DUDE, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW!" HE SAYS, HE SAYS, "NO, WHAT'RE YOU DOING, MAN?" I TELL HIM, "DUDE I'M **SO** DOING IT RIGHT NOW!"

Jeff: Bwahahaaa…what'd HE say?

Matt: Jeff, stop encouraging him.

Jeff: But…I-I wanna' know! That's a pretty good idea!

Roddy: OK SO I TELLS HIM, I TELLS HIM, "NO, NO, LISTEN!" I PUT THE PHONE DOWN RIGHT BEHIND HER HEAD AND HE COULD HER HER MOANIN'! I TALL YA' MAN, THE HOT ROD WAS PUTTIN' IT ON HER THAT DAY!

Jeff: Yeah, I see—so what'd he say next?

Roddy: HE WAS ALL "NO WAAAAY MAN, HOW CAN YOU TALK WHILE YOU'RE BOINKIN' HER?" I SAYS TO HIM, "SHE'S **DEAF**—SHE CAN'T HEAR A **WORD** OF THIS! SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I'M **TALKING** TO YA', MAN!"

Roddy and Jeff share a brief laugh…

Matt: You know, that's some shameful shit, dude.

Roddy: AW HELL, NO SHAME IN MY GAME, BUDDY! WELL, ANYWAY, VINCE SHOT MY IDEA DOWN—HE DIDN'T INITIALLY, THOUGH!

Jeff: He didn't?

Roddy: NOPE! HE HIRED THIS ONE DEAF CHICK AND PUT HER IN A DARK MATCH WITH MOOLAH! WELL, THE DEAF GIRL APPLIED A FIGURE-4 LEGLOCK TO MOOLAH, BUT SHE COULDN'T HEAR MOOLAH SUBMIT OR THE BELL RINGING OVER AND OVER…AND OVER…AND OVER—YOU GET IT, KID! MOOLAH WAS BOWLEGGED UP UNTIL SHE KICKED THE BUCKET A COUPLE YEARS BACK!

Matt: Well damn, ANY dummy could've seen THAT happening!

Roddy: WELL NOT OL' VINNIE MAC! HE WANTED RATINGS, NO MATTER **WHA**T IT TOOK! IN FACT, HE GAVE THE GIRL ANOTHER CHANCE—HE GAVE HER A CHANCE TO RALLY THE AUDIENCE—SHE'D BE YELLING SOMETHING—USUALLY SOMETHING INCOHERENT—FOR THE AUDIENCE TO YELL BACK, BUT IT'D NEVER FUCKING END!

Jeff: Well how wouldn't it end?

Roddy: NO, NO KID, YOU'RE NOT REMEMBERING SHE'S DEAF, THIS GIRL—SHE'D BE YELLING SOMETHING FOR THE AUDIENCE TO YELL BACK AT HER AND SHE'D JUST KEEP SMILING AND YELLING BACK—"I CAN'D HEEEEAAAAR YOUUUUU". THE CROWD WOULD BE ALL "RAH-RAH-RAHRAHRAH!" AND SHE'D REPLY, "I CAN'D HEEEAAAAR YOUUUUU"—OVER AND OVER AGAIN, LIKE THAT!

Jeff: Damn, man…what was the final straw? When did Vince finally have enough?

Roddy: WELL I ONLY HEARD ABOUT THIS ONE, BUT IT SEEMS THAT VINCE TRIED TO CALL HER ONE NIGHT FOR SOME SECRET BUTT-LOVIN' BECAUSE LINDA WAS OUT OF TOWN, OR SOMETHING—I DUNNO. WELL, VINCE CALLS THIS CHICK—TOTALLY FORGETTING THAT SHE'S DEAF—AND KEEPS SAYING "HELLO?", HELLO?", "HELLO?" FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. HE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND APPARENTLY CALLS UP KING KONG BUNDY "BECAUSE HE COULD USE A GOOD TITTY FUCK".

Matt: God DAMN!

Roddy: AHAHAHAAA! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, KID—YOU KIDS THINK HE'S BAD NOW? HE WAS REEEEAAALLY RAW BACK IN THOSE DAYS! WE'D BE IN HIS OFFICE SIGNING CONTRACT EXTENSIONS AND HE'D BE DOIN' LINES OF COKE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! BUT ANYWAY, IT WAS AFTER THAT LAST "INCIDENT" THAT HE LET THE DEAF GIRL'S CONTRACT EXPIRE!

Jeff: Well…shit, man.

* * *

_(Let's leave the guys and see what's taking the girls so long…)_

Katherine: I dunno', I think it's a little over the top for MY tastes, but, Lita, YOU'RE the one who's gonna' have to wear it, you know?

Lita: Yeah, I was kinda' thinking the same thing—I'm not really the lace bra and panties type.

Dora: HEYYYYY…LITA, KATHY…DO YOU THINK THAT I'D LOOK GOOD IN THIS?

_(Dora is holding up a matching set of a period-red-colored lace bra and thong.)_

Katherine giggles a bit. Lita, on the other hand…

Lita: What do you think you're doing? The little girls' section is over THERE—I suggest you use it, young lady!

Dora: AWWW…BUT I WANNA PLAY HOUSE WITH MATTIE WHEN WE GET TO THE HOTEL TONIGHT!

Katherine: Bwaaaahahahaaa!

Lita: I beg your pardon?

Dora: WHY CAN'T I PLAY HOUSE WITH MATTIE? MATTIE'S COMING HOME FROM A HAAAAARD DAY'S WORK AND I WANNA' MAKE HIM FEEL ALL COMFY AND COZY AT HOME!

_Lita lunges for Dora and Katherine holds her back._

Katherine: Umm…Dora, honey?

Dora: YYYYESSSS?

Katherine: I-I think you should go over to the kids aisle like a good little girl, mmkaaay?

Dora _(shrugs)_: OK THEN…C'MON MITTENS! _(her cat, in case you forgot)_

Lita _(intense whispering)_: OOH! Katherine! I swear, I swear, I SWEAR!

Katherine _(whispering)_: Lita, get a HOLD of yourself, you're a 3-time Women's champ! She's only a little KID!

Lita _(tears forming)_: I know, I know *sniff*, damn…brat. C'mon, let's go get this shit checked out, then.

_Just then, Katherine's phone starts ringing…_

Katherine: Hmm? Oh no…not HIM again…

Lita _(smiling a bit)_: *sniff* Who?

Katherine _(sighing)_: My ex. Lita, you ever have an ex who didn't really believe that the relationship was over with?

Lita: Hahaha…yeah, I've had my share! Buuuut, I've learned my lesson!

Katherine: Learned your lesson? What do you mean?

Lita: Well, after about my 3rd stalker, I've learned to "pull up on my skills" a little bit, hahaha!

Katherine: What do you mean?

Lita: Look, we're adults, so I'm gonna' be straight with you—when you do something wild, like if you let someone pull anal beads from out of your ass it DOES seem to have the effect of making someone show up at your job!

Katherine: Hahaha…wooooow!

Lita: Yeah, I was working for ECW at the time and my ex KEPT knocking on Paul Heyman's office door looking for me—this clown was asking MY BOSS where I was so that I could "let him do that again"! Oh, not to mention, he was dressed in his undershirt, his boxers, some dress socks and some loafers!

Katherine: Damn, girl! I'd have NEEEEVER let anyone do that to me!

Lita: See? You're ahead of the game already! So, are you going to answer it, or…what?

Katherine _(rolling her eyes and answering her phone)_: What is it, Claudio?

_(Incoherent talk from over the phone)_

Katherine _(frowning)_: NO! I don't wanna' suck your old…shriveled-up dick, loser!

_(Lita's laughing a little…)_

Katherine: No—no—BULLSHIT, Claudio! See? That's why I dumped your ass!

_(More incoherent talk from over the phone)_

Katherine: Yeah? Whatever, BITCH! Oh, hahaha—and that teddy bear you got me? I used it to wipe my ass because it was on FIRE after eating all those jalepeno wings you cooked for me last weekend! _*click*_

Lita: Wow…I didn't know you could COOK, Kathy!

_(Katherine just shoots Lita a dirty look as Lita just holds her hands up…)_

Lita: Ok, ok…sorry I said anything, let's go get checked out of here.

_(Ok, so since they're almost done, let's check back in on the boys…)_

* * *

Roddy: …AND I WAS SCREAMIN'…BEGGIN'…I SAYS, I SAYS, "OH PRETTY PLLLEEEEASE MR. HEYMAN, COULD YOU FIND MY GIRLFRIEND AMY SO THAT SHE CAN LET ME PULL THESE ANAL BEADS FROM OUT OF HER ASS?"

Matt: Ok, and what did he say?

Roddy: MATT, HE WAS SUCH A RATINGS WHORE—HE SAID, "NOT UNLESS YOU AGREE TO DO IT DURING OUR NEXT SHOW—I CAN PICTURE IT NOW—WRESTLING LEGEND MAKES AN APPEARANCE AT THE E-C-W ARENA TO PULL ANAL BEADS OUT OF MS. CONGENIALITY!"

Jeff: Hahahaaaa! I can hear ol' Joey Styles now—"OH MY GAWD, RODDY PIPER IS PULLING THE ANAL BEADS ALL-THE-WAY OUT OF MS. CONGENIALITY!" Hahahahaaaaa!

Matt _(thinking)_: Heeeey…wait a—WAIT A MINUTE! Ms. Congeniality was…Lita? Wasn't it?

Roddy _(glancing around quickly)_: UH…UM…I-DON'T…MAYBE, AHEHEHEHE…HEH!

Matt how'd the hell did YOUR crazy ass manage to get her to do that? I can't even get her to suck my DICK—not even when I dip it in tequila!

_(Roddy and Jeff look at each other and then back at Matt…)_

Jeff: Damn…you're the oldest one of us, man—I'd have thought you'd at LEAST have sealed the deal with her by now!

Matt: Shut up, Jeffrey.

_(So the women come out of the store and Roddy sees them…)_

Roddy: HEEEEEY, THE GIRLS ARE BACK! CAN I TAG ALONG?

All three girls: NO!

Roddy: AH FUCK!

_Roddy shrugs and drops a smoke bomb and disappears. As he's disappearing…_

Roddy _(smiling)_: HEY LITA, I STILL HAVE THOSE ANAL BEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAADS…

_Everyone turns and looks at Lita…_

Lita _(embarrassed and rolling her eyes)_: I swear—I can't fucking stand him. Let's go, everyone.

So, the Hardys and company pull off toward town in a puff of smoke!

* * *

Thanks for tuning in and I want you to tune in again next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	14. Being Evil and Vengeful, With a Subplot

_**Welcome back, y'all! Last we left off, we were catching up with the Hardy's happy li'l gang. Now, however, we shall resume the regular story—by joining up with DX, as it's nighttime in England and they're…uh, in a nightclub…**_

* * *

HHH: …look, I keep TELLING you—there's NO man more evil than I am. I mean, I'm the GAME for fuck's sake!

Sephiroth: and I keep telling YOU, mortal—I am evil incarnate, I shall rule this pathetic world of your with an iron fist!

HHH: Yeah? Well, I rule the WWE universe with an iron…sledgehammer!

Sephiroth: You dare challenge me, mortal? Show me, how evil ARE you really?

_(Donald duck, Cloud, and X-pac turn toward HHH waiting for him to do something in this packed nightclub…)_

HHH: Ok then, um…lemme' think—I know! See that passed-out drunk guy over at the bar? I'm gonna' steal his wallet!

_(HHH jogs over and carefully takes the guy's wallet out of his pocket. HHH just takes out the guy's money and carefully puts the wallet back. The lady next to him is sipping a martini, watching all of this…)_

Lady: So? Gonna' just steal the bloke's money, huh?

HHH _(caught off-guard)_: Wha—HUH?

Lady: Look mate, either you split his money with me, or I'm going to have to call the cops.

HHH: Damn…ok, here—all I got from him was 200 pounds, so here's your half.

Lady: Much obliged…ok then, carry on.

_(HHH makes his way back over to the crew…)_

HHH: See that? I just got his money!

Sephiroth: Why did you hand that lady some of the money?

HHH: What lady? Hahaha..heh

Sephiroth: Oh come on, mortal. I SAW that lady blackmail your ass! She threatened to call the cops, didn't she?

HHH: Um…maybe.

_(The crew just starts laughing as Tifa makes her way over to the crowd…)_

Tifa: What's so funny guys?

Donald: Yo, Tifa—'Dis nigga' here done stole that drunk dude's wallet and-and THEN that broad over there blackmailed his ass and took half his loot, yo! Shit was comical!

Tifa: What?

X-Pac: Tifa…look—HHH and Seph got into one of those "who's more evil" standoffs and they keep trying to outdo one another.

Tifa: Oh no, guys—not here in the pub!

_(HHH and Sephiroth are standing nose-to-nose in the club, as the strobelights dance all around them and the techno music is bumping…)_

Sephiroth: That wasn't evil—THIS is evil…

_(Seph makes his way over to the drunk guy, and that same lady is watching. Seph turns around and smiles at her as he reaches on the counter and takes the guy's car keys. The lady starts to speak and…)_

Sephiroth _(waving his arms around)_: God's of peace, gods of tranquility, bring forth to me your ever-enduring power…SILENCE!

_(Just then, the lady tries to speak, but her mouth won't open—there's a yellowish, glittering surrounding her mouth as Sephiroth makes his way back to the crowd…)_

X-Pac: I used to HATE when he did that to my mages! He casted a SILENCE spell on her—why didn't YOU think of that, Hunter?

HHH: Well damn! I can't CAST a silence spell! MY way of "silencing" people is to pedigree the shit out of them!

Sephiroth: Well, I have his keys—he'll need all the luck in the WORLD getting home now! MWAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Donald: Damn, that shit was evil, yo!

Tifa: Please stop, you two! You're gonna' get us kicked out of here!

HHH: HA! Car keys? That's nothin' Watch THIS!

_(HHH orders a beer and drinks it down real fast. He heads over to the crowded dance floor and stealthily makes his way into the crowd—and proceeds to lift up his left leg as he let's loose a very eggy-smelling fart. He quickly leaves the crowd and glances back to see the reaction…)_

X-Pac: Daaaaaamn…now THAT'S evil, dude. I HATE when people do that shit, man!

HHH _(Smiling)_: That's gonna' fuck THEM up! Hell Pac, I knew the gas was gonna' be bad when *I* smelled it, hahaha!

_(People in the crowd start grimacing and waving their hands in front of their faces and pointing at one another…)_

Tifa: That was disgusting, Hunter! Phew, and you STILL stink, too—check your tights!

Sephiroth: Admirable, mortal…but take note—isn't it rather…WARM in here?

Cloud: Well, now that you mention it—

Donald: Yeah, man! I was thinkin' the same THING, dawg! It's hotter than a MOTHERFUCK' in here!

Sephiroth: then I shall lay out my most evil of evil plans…

HHH _(smirking confidently)_: Ok man, spit it out.

Sephiroth _(evil grin)_: Earlier today, I had some BBQ ribs…and my stomach has been gurgling ever since…

X-Pac: Oh no.

Sephiroth: …oh yesssss! I'm at the nightclub for one REAL purpose—to DOMINATE! I shall take an enormous shit in the bathroom and all who come near shall smell it, for I'm so evil, I don't courtesy flush for ANYONE! MWAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Tifa: No…you COULDN'T! Think of all the PEOPLE—

Sephiroth: SILENCE woman! I shall then wipe my ass and start dancing in the MIDDLE of the crowd. With the heat in here, I'll start to sweat, the sweat shall run down my back and create doo-doo juice and ALL shall smell it! For I…AM…SEPHIROTH!

Donald: Shit nigga! You…you gonna' just go SHIT—at the CLUB, nigga'? Who the hell shits at the damn CLUB, man?

HHH _(gulps)_: …well DAMN.

* * *

_(We'll leave that scene and rejoin the Guerreros and crew as they're going to get some breakfast…)_

Shaggy: Guys, me and Scoob here are famished! Where are we eatin'?

Eddie: Umm…how about this place up ahead, here?

Trish: What's that? "Bob's House of…SUSHI"?

Chavo _(shrugging)_: Maybe it'll be good?

_(So they make their way to the restaurant, go in and have a seat. The waiter comes up to them…)_

Waiter _(bowing)_: Ah wercome to a-my lestaulant! My name is Xingxao Guilixiang, but you can carr me "Bob"!

_(They all glance at each other before Trish speaks…)_

Trish: Uh…um, YEAH…Bob, is it? I'd like a tuna roll.

Eddie: Yeah, I'd uh…like a dragon roll.

Chavo: Tuna roll for me, too, please.

Shaggy: Yeah, I'd like a crab roll, a steak—medium-rare, 3 dragon rolls, some shrimp, a rainbow roll, a glass of Sake,…and a Diet soda!

Waiter: Wirr that be arr?

Group: Yes!

Waiter: I'rr be back with your order!

Eddie: Daaaamn Shaggy, man! Are you REALLY gonna' EAT all that? At THIS time of morning, ese?

Shaggy: My stomach doesn't keep track of the time, Eddie! Does it Scoob?

Scooby: Ro it roesn't, Raggy!

Shaggy: Oh, I got the steak for you, Scoob.

Scooby _(ricki—I mean, LICKING his lips)_: RAKE, RAKE—MMMMM-MMMMM! RANKS, RAGGY!

Trish: Hey Eddie, you know that new girl on the roster?

Eddie: You mean the tall one who's always following Molly around? -And the one that never fails to make my cock rise like the morning sun?

Trish _(rolling her eyes)_: Ugh…yes, her.

Eddie: What about her, mami?

Trish: Have you ever, like, noticed that she has a…weird smell to her?

Chavo: I don't know about YOU, uncle Eddie, but I've noticed!

Eddie: No, I haven't noticed. What do you mean, mami?

Trish: Well, she just always has this…this C.O.D. smell to her.

Shaggy: What's C.O.D. stand for, Trish?

Trish: Cologne over dirt—C.O.D. I can remember one night at Sunday Night Heat, she left the locker room for her match, and I was just getting out of the shower. I saw her leave and I noticed that she left her spare pair of thong panties lying on the floor…

Chavo: Ok…and?

Trish: Well, me, being the neighborly type—I bend down and put them in her gym bag. There WAS one problem, though—

Eddie: YOU got to TOUCH Vic's panties? And there's a…PROBLEM with that, ese?

Trish: What it was, was that I did a double-take after putting her thongs back in her gymbag! Eddie, Chavo—I SWEAR to you, as I'm sitting here, the thong was white, but around the crotch/taint area, it was greenish BROWN!

Eddie _(grimacing)_: No, no, no—UGH! How could you ruin my fantasies, mami?

Trish _(shrugging)_: Look, you needed to know the truth! She's a grown-ass woman! She shouldn't be WALKING around SMELLING like that—NOW I know WHY!

Chavo: Man…I think I'm going to be sick, amiga.

* * *

_(Well, let's let them enjoy their breakfast and Now we'll join up with the Hardys and crew, as they've found lodging for the night. More specifically, we'll join Lita and Matt, as they're making love in the dark…)_

Matt _(whispering)_: Mmm…kiss me again, Lita…

Lita: Mmmm-hmm *smooch*

_(Just then, a dark figure creeps past the wall and silently approaches the bed, the figure's shadow caused by the moonlight coming through the window. Lita switches position and her left knee bumps Matt's pitched tent…)_

Matt: Ooh, baby—be careful, I…uh, wouldn't want you to re-injure your knee…ehehehe!

Lita: Mmm…MY man's nice and hard, isn't he?

_(Just then, as Lita's butt-naked and mounted on Matt's stomach, she starts to slowly kiss Matt's chest…)_

Matt _(whispering)_: Oooh…yes, Lita—right there, right there, baby…

_(Just then, Matt could feel a warm, wet sensation in his genital area…)_

Matt: Yesss, baby…SUCK that thing, girl! MMM!

Lita: Mmm—wait..WHAT? Matt, honey—I'm kissing you.

Matt _(not paying attention)_: Ooh baby, ohh…the bumps on that filthy li'l tongue of yours—

Lita: But Matt…I'm not—

Matt: -Mmm…Lita, baaaaby…why'd it take you sooo long to suck my-

_Lita hurriedly turns the light on and sees…_

Lita: WHAT THE FUCK? OK, THAT'S **IT**—I'VE FUCKING **HAD** IT WITH YOU! STOP SUCKING MATT'S **DICK**, DORA!

Matt _(snapping out of it)_: DORA? Wait—tha-that was YOU?

Lita: That's BESIDE the point, MATTHEW!

Dora _(running out of the room)_: BYYYYYE! HAHAHAHA!

_(Lita chases her down the hall, some loud knocking and banging can be heard as the other hotel guests open their doors to see what the commotion is…)_

Lita: I-I-I'LL **KILL** YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKING PIECE…OF…SHIT—AAAAARGH!

_(Lita takes Dora to the top of a flight of stairs and…)_

Lita: Say g'night you li'l bitch!

_(Lita throws Dora dow a flight of steps and she hits her head on the way down and crashes through a wooden table that, for SOME reason, was already set up at the bottom of the stairs.)_

Dora: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!

_(The other hotel guests were chanting E-C-W, E-C-W, E-C-W, as Lita stood at the top of the stairs, butt-naked and, with tears of hatred in her eyes, glaring at Dora's broken body lying unconscious in the remains of the broken table. Lita raises her hands in victory and returns to her room.)_

Katherine: …damn, I guess Dora's gone, huh?

Jeff: Yeah, looks that way—damn shame, too, the kid was pretty doggone hilarious.

* * *

_(Ok, last, let's join up with the nWo! They're having breakfast at The Tokyo Hotel…)_

Hulk: …ok brother, I want 4 eggs, scrambled, a piece of toast, some sausage, and a glass of milk.

Waitress: Ok bald sir—you want egg, piece of toast, sarsage, and mirk?

Hulk: That's FOUR eggs! And I have a LOT of hair!

Waitress: Ok, so solly—you want fo' egg—

Hulk: -wait, what the hell's a "fo-egg", brother?

Waitress: But you SAY, FO' EGG!

Hulk: Ah…forget it—just bring me my breakfast!

Waitress _(rolling her eyes)_: Ok, vely quickry!

Nash _(trying to be funny)_: Uh yeah, toots. I'd like some dong hung lo.

Waitress: Uh…dong hung lo?

Nash: Hehehe…yeah, some dong hung lo.

Waitress: Sir, I'm afraid we don't have dong hung lo—and neither do YOU! Hahaha—who bad? I bad!

_(Nash rolls his eyes and glances at Snake…)_

Snake _(smirking a bit)_: Uh yeah, I'd just like a coffee.

Waitress _(leering at Snake seductively)_: Uh, yes…would you rike cleeeeam in it?

Snake: Uh, n-no, no clee-…er, I mean CREAM.

Waitress: Ah so—you shaaaaaark!

_(The waitress blows a kiss at Snake.)_

Hall: Damn, you should go hit that, chico.

Snake: Oh, no worries. I'll have my snake inside of her in no time.

_(Snake and Hall high-5 each other, as the waitress leaves toward the back…)_

Snake: Excuse me guys, I'll be right back…

_(Snake heads toward the back and finds the waitress bent over tying her shoes…)_

Snake: Ready, baby?

Waitress: Oooh…leddy!

_(Meanwhile, at the table, the boys can hear thumping…)_

Hulk: Hold up brothers—you guys hear that?

Nash: That's my man SNAKE—takin' the cake!

Hulk: Sounds like he's doin her from behind—her head hitting the wall like that sounds just like when my wife's head hits the wall, over, and over, and over…Hahahahaaaa!

_(The boys all share a laugh…)_

Nash _(looking around)_: Hey, where's Otacon?

Hall: Oh him? He's using his stealth technology again—what? You didn't see a video camera just bouncing toward the back in mid-air right after Snake left?

Nash: Damn, he sure is a _horny_ li'l fella. We've got to get him laid, man.

Hulk: I agree brothers—before we leave Japan, we're getting Otacon LAID!

* * *

_**And so we end another chapter in this…thing here. And it ALSO appears that we have a new subplot—"The Quest to Get Otacon Laid"!**_

.

Don't forget—tune in next time, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	15. Sex, Stained Shrits, and You!

_**Here we are again…just me…and you. Ooooh…touching, caressing, loving, and rubbing each other—and reading yet another chapter of the adventure! Tonight, let's go and visit Los Guerreros…and friends, as they're on the open road.**_

* * *

Shaggy: Look guys—a billboard for a strip club! Wow…that stripper looks a LOT like Daphne!

Trish: Hmm…you know, I could use a li'l strip club action, myself, hee hee!

Chavo _(smiling)_: So…Trish, you, uh…you into strip clubs like that?

Trish: HA! Are you kidding? Of COURSE! I love the way titties feel against my chest.

Chavo: SIMON, ESE! Uncle Eddie, we GOT to stop at a strip club tonight, bro!

Eddie: Meh…I dunno. Last time I went to a strip club, I got in trouble with Vickie, ese.

Shaggy: ZOIKS! Eddie, Vickie's not with us! You can go and STILL have fun! Besides, I'd pay MONEY to see Trish's funbags kissing ANOTHER pair of funbags!

Scooby: Runbags-RRRRunbags, AHEHEHEHEHEEE!

Shaggy: You said it, Scoob! In fact—you know that Velma chick, right?

Chavo: Yeah, mami's kind of thick, right?

Shaggy: I-indeed! So sometimes, she likes to wear low-cut tops and I overheard her telling Daphne that she could never find bras that fit properly. And, it's no wonder—I LOVE when she wears tank-tops, especially!

Chavo: Yeah, you get to see that lovely cleavage, dude!

Shaggy: You're right on the money, Chavo! The way those titties are all…MASHED together and muffin-top-ing out of the top of her shirt—it drives me wild!

Eddie: Hmm…that sounds like a good fantasy, but meh…I don't know-

Trish: Oh, come ON, Eddie! Vickie's fucking MILES away! Live a little, dude!

Chavo: Uncle Eddie—what's your hangup on that, anyway?

Eddie _(sighing)_: Ok, one night last year—I got fucking WASTED, man. I only had a few dollars left, and I still wasn't done being…entertained…

Shaggy: So what happened?

Eddie: Well, I wound up going to this NASTY-ass stripclub. And, to give you an idea of just how nasty this place was, homes—lap dances? Only $4.

Trish: Ewww…dude.

Eddie: Yeah, I know! But it was a LAPDANCE, man! ONLY 4 DOLLARS, ESE! HOW COULD I RESIST?

Chavo: Wow…

Eddie: Yeah, and…so, I GOT that lapdance. And, lemme' tell you, ese—it's the first time I've EVER had to actually PUSH a stripper OFF of me! I mean, she wouldn't stop grinding, man!

Chavo: Damn…homegirl was workin' HARD for that 4 dollars!

Eddie: But that's not the worst of it—she slid her ass up my good silk shirt, ese! I yelled at her, I said "You crazy bitch! NOW look what you did—I got a damn SHIT streak on my new silk Armani!"

Trish: Daaaaaaaamn….how'd you explain that to your wife?

Eddie: Chica, I had to outright LIE! I told her that me and my brother Hector were playing basketball and his shorts fell when he went up to dunk and his buttcheeks caught my shirt—

Trish: Uh…yeah, so why didn't you just throw the shirt away?

Eddie: Are you kidding? It was a $500 shirt!

Chavo: Ok…look—tonight, Uncle Eddie—we'll go to a GOOD strip club, I'll even buy you a couple shots of tequila…whadd'ya say?

Eddie _(shrugging)_: SIMON, ese! Sounds good to ME!

* * *

_Ok, let's leave them be and join up with DX over in England, as they're in a hotel for the night. Hmm…seems that Hunter's on the phone…_

HHH: Hello, Linda! Is Steph available?

_Linda: Sure, I'll call her—STEPHANIE! PUT THAT HAM DOWN AND ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!_

_Steph (chewing): Mmmm…um, hello?_

HHH: Hey baby, how are ya'?

_Steph: HUNTER! I'm good baby—I have my ham and my cherry pie._

HHH: Aww…that's good—wait! Did YOU say "cherry pie"?

_Steph: Yes, sweetie! I sent my chauffer to the bakery to get me a pie._

HHH: You mean to tell me that you're going to eat an ENTIRE pie?

_Steph (chewing): …and, AND a ham!_

HHH: What? Are you PROUD of that, or something?

_Steph: Well, why shouldn't I be?_

HHH: Steph, it's bad ENOUGH that, when we go out to the local KFC, and you place an order large enough to choke a HORSE and the people behind the counter no longer think that your orders are for multiple people!

_Steph: Wha…what do you mean, baby?_

HHH: Steph! You CAN'T be serious! Those people actually KNOW you! Every time you place an order for your 25-piece chicken and biscuit MEAL, they always ask me what I want to order! And is it for here or to go!

_Steph: But…HUNTER—_

HHH: NO! Don't you start that "but Hunter" bullshit! Every damn week I have to buy you a new wardrobe because you've stretched out your clothes so badly, your fucking panties could be used as a parachute!

_Steph: Stop, PLEASE-_

HHH: You know what, Steph—you're just getting so fat that…that BLACK guys are hitting on you!

_Steph: But you KNOW I only have eyes for YOU, Hunter!_

HHH: Yeah, Me…pound cake, greasy-ass fried chicken, ribs, burgers, and whatever ELSE you can get your doughy hands on! Steph this is getting ridiculous! And again, I'm sick and TIRED of these black dudes hitting on you and you're all standing in front of ME blushing!

_Steph (trying not to laugh): I-I'm hee-hee…SORRY Hunter! I don't look at ANY of them, baby!_

HHH: I mean, really Steph—everyone knows that black guys LOVE fat white chicks! You can tell you're getting fatter by how many black guys hit on you, you know!

_Steph: I can't BELIEVE you, Hunter! How could you be so…so…RACIST, UGH!_

HHH _(angrily)_: Oh, here we go again-just because I enjoy burying Booker T does NOT make me a racist! Look, I just called to check up on you anyway, so are ya' fine or not?

_Steph (smirking): Yep…and so is my black lover! *click*_

HHH _(infuriated)_: WHAT THE—STEPH?...STEPH?...HELLO? Evil bitch.

Sephiroth _(walking by)_: Hmm…so it does seem that she IS more evil that you, huh? AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

HHH _(glaring)_: Meeeeh….shut up. Damn, Sephiroth—I swear she just…just…brings it OUT of me, RRRRRRRGH! Can't STAND that bitch sometimes! If her daddy weren't so rich, I wouldn't even fucking BOTHER!

* * *

_Ok, let's leave that scene and move on to a brighter one—with the nWo, as they're on the open road…_

Nash: Hey Otacon, when's the last time you got laid, dude?

Otacon _(blushing)_: Uh…ummm

Snake: Kev, you're embarrassing the li'l fella! Otacon, all we want to do is to make sure you have a good time with a nice, Christian woman-that has whore-ish tendencies.

Hall: Chico, I LOVE those types! I told this one chick, I was dating, mang—I told her that after she got out of church, she should come over MY place and fuck herself using one of my empty 40 oz. bottles! And she DID that shit, too!

Nash: Yeah, Otacon…THAT'S the type of woman you want, my man.

Otacon: Well, I-I dunno. She HAS to be into voyeurism and exhibitionism! I mean, we can get it on in public just by using stealth camouflage!

Hall: See? NOW you're thinkin', chico!

Snake: Hal, it's EASY to get laid, man. You'll see!

Hulk: Let me chime in, brothers. Otacon brother, what you want is a chick with low self-esteem!

Nash: Hulk's right! Tell'm Hulk!

Hulk: Yeah, you see, think about it, dude—women with low self-esteem appreciate ANY attention you can give them, but, the tough part is breaking through their defenses.

Otacon: Defenses?

Hulk: Of course, brother! She's gonna' be wonderin' why you're paying so much attention to HER because, you see, SHE thinks that she looks like crap, but YOU have to convince her OTHERwise, you see, brother?

Otacon: Hmm…I see your logic.

Hulk: Absolutely, man! Why, back in the day, when I was teaming up with Macho Man, before our matches, Miss Elizabeth used to let me finger her when Macho left to go down the aisle! Yeah, you see, Macho was always putting her down and everything, and she needed a shoulder to CRY on—so…why not ME, brother? Hahaha…yeah, her soft, hairy twat was fucking incredible, dude!

Otacon: Ah…I think I get it now!

Hall: Hey yo…always remember, chico—don't let her get too attached to you, either.

Hulk: Yeah, he's right, brother! As soon as she gives up the drawers, you're just…naturally going to feel the need to split, dude. Anyway—if you convince her that she's on the level of a-a…Ms. AMERICA, brother, then you're fucking home FREE!

Snake: and always—and I can't stress this enough—ALWAYS remember—have a PREPAID cellphone when you deal with one of those types. You ONLY want her to have a cellphone number for you—no addresses and DEFINITELY no landline phone numbers!

Nash: Yeah, that way, all she'll have is a cellphone number and, what it does, it give YOU the power!

Hulk: Absolutely, Big Kev—Otacon, dude, it gives you the power because, at ANY given time, you can just toss the phone—I mean, if you get like one of those convenience store phones, they're disposable—just like your woman—with low self-esteem, BWAAAAHAHAHAAAAAA! Now THAT'S "Hollywood"!

* * *

_The boys all share a brief laugh as we finish off with a visit with the Hardys. Buuut, we'll stick with Lita and Matt…_

Lita: So…

Matt: So?

Lita _(rolling her eyes)_: It seems as though you LIKE having your dick sucked, huh?

Matt: Lita…I-I-…Lita, I don't know of ONE man that doesn't! What is your…your…AVERSION to it? I don't GET it!

Lita: Look—it's just something I don't do, ok?

Matt: I mean, you kiss ALL around it, but you—you never move in for the KILL! I couldn't HELP it—I THOUGHT it was YOUR tongue! It felt so GOOD, Lita!

Lita: How could you have thought it was me? MY tongue has a tongue ring in it! Did you FEEL a tongue ring?

Matt _(helpless)_: I-I…wasn't THINKING about that-Lita, all I want is my dick sucked and my balls played with a little! I'm clean, I wash my ass!

Lita _(eyebrow raised)_: You know, when I was on your stomach, I FELT you starting to hump Dora's mouth, you know?

Matt _(sighing)_: MY GOD, Lita—what can I do to convince you? I-THOUGHT-IT-WAS-YOU! Simple as THAT!

Lita: Hmph!

.

_Ok, we'll leave it at that for now—I've had enough fun tonight._

_So friends…I certainly thank you for reading and reviewing (well...for those who actually DO it, anyway)._

* * *

Lol, join me again—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	16. Shedding Some Light and Bad Decisions

_**Coming to you live, from…um…my, uh DINING ROOM TABLE! I bring you yet another chapter of the adventure! We're gonna' take a trip to jolly old England, where it's morning and DX has hit the open road en route to London.**_

* * *

Cloud: So, uh…HHHunter?

HHH: Yeah, what is it, kid?

Cloud: How far do you think this porn place is?

HHH: I dunno, but London's only…what…30 miles away by now, I figured we'd just ask someone when we got into town. Why? You got somewhere to be, or something?

Cloud: No, it's not like that, HHHunter.

HHH: Then what is it? And stop calling me "HHHunter"

Cloud glances at Tifa, smirking. Tifa rolls her eyes, shaking her head.

Cloud: Ok, I'll stop calling you HHHunter.

Hunter: Th-Th-Thank—DAMN IT, NOW you got ME doing it!

Cloud: Hahahahaaa!

Tifa: Ugh…I swear, Cloud—you can really be immature sometimes.

Cloud: Oh come OFF of it, Tifa. You're saying I'M immature?

Tifa: Yes, I think I AM!

Cloud: Well, it takes one to know one! Remember that time just last MONTH? When we were battling that one ogre boss? He swung at you and you got SO scared, you farted REALLY fucking loudly and that's how the damn thing was defeated! Guys, the whole battle party got quiet and Tifa just stood in the middle of the battlefield, GIGGLING!

Tifa: Cloud, you asshole! I thought we agreed we were never going to talk about that again!

Cloud: No-NOOOOO…YOU said you'd never mention it again!

X-Pac: Damn…seriously, Tifa?

Donald: Listen honky, I was IN 'dat battle party, yo! Maaaaan, her shit smelt' like …like…fuckin'…Lipton onion soup mix mixed with SHIT! Shit was unseemly, dude!

Tifa: Oh, so you're all ganging up on me, huh?

Donald _(leering at Tifa and grabbing his crotch)_: Nah baby, we ain't even STARTED t'gang up on yo' fine ass, YET!

Cloud: Damnit, Donald—what'd I tell you about talking to her like that?

Donald: C'mon nigga! Back the fuck off, yo! The LEASTR yo' ass can do is gimme a li'l piece 'a yo' candy!

Cloud: NO! you can't have any of my…candy!

Harry: Hey Donald, I've been wondering, yeah?

Donald: What, yo?

Harry: Well, how is it that you never get arrested?

Donald: Yo, wha'chu MEAN, man?

Harry: Guys, ever notice that? I mean, Donald—you're not wearing ANY pants!

Sephiroth: Hmm…young Mr. Potter seems to have a point. AND you're always around those little KIDS, as well. Hmmm…

HHH: Damn—all these years—I never even THOUGHT of that. Donald, how DO you get to be around all those kids for all these years with-without any PANTS on?

Donald: Yo, yo, yo…don't even trip! It ain't even that kind of party! Nah, don't be tryin' to run no game on me like 'dat, yo!

HBK: Donald, I've been thinking—are you related to this guy named Booker T?

Donald: Nah, man. I don't even KNOW anyone wit' dat' name. Why you ask, yo?

HBK: Oh…nothing, just…thought I'd ask.

_HHH and HBK look at each other and shrug._

Harry: But Donald, why DON'T you wear any pants?

Donald: Look li'l nigga'—I needs ta' let my BALLS hang LOOSE, son! Yeah, yeah, you see—my bitch likes it when I be teabaggin' 'dat bitch!

* * *

_I'm gonna' leave them be for a bit and we're gonna' pay a visit with Team Extreme as they're ALSO out and about…and getting closer to London._

Katherine: …so that's why I had to dump him. He just…DIDN'T believe the relationship was over!

Lita: Hm…darling, that's not a relationship, that's a relationSHIT!

Katherine: Yeah, tell me about it—

_Suddenly Kat's phone rings, she looks at the caller ID and rolls her eyes._

Matt: What's wrong?

Katherine: SPEAK of the devil!

Lita _(smiling)_: Oh shit—it's him, isn't it?

_Katherine closes her eyes momentarily before answering the phone…_

Katherine _(sighs)_: What do you want, Claudio?

_All of a sudden there's very loud crying that can be heard over the phone. Katherine quickly takes it away from her ear…_

Katherine: Damn!

Lita: Is he…CRYING?

Katherine _(rolling her eyes)_: Yeah, he always does this bullshit.

_Some inaudible screams can be heard from the other end of the phone…_

Jeff _(smiling)_: Hey Kat, man…he's begging harder than Mark Henry at Burger King when he forgot his wallet!

Katherine: Look Claudio! It's over—

_Some sobbing can be heard…_

Katherine: YES, I DO have a boyfriend—in fact, you're kind of interrupting us!

_Some pleading now…_

Katherine: Yes I AM giving him head, what's it to YOU?

_Some belligerence at this point…_

_Katherine quickly motions to Jeff…_

Katherine _(whispering)_: Start moaning, Jeff!

Jeff _(looking around awkwardly)_: Oh…umm…Ooooooohhh, yeah baby…when are you coming back to bed, sweetie, I'm goin' DOOOOWWWWN over here!

Katherine: Now see that? My boyfriend's hungry for my lovin' Stop calling me –as a matter of fact—LOSE MY NUMBER! *click*

_Her phone starts ringing again immediately…_

Katherine: What the FUCK is it, Claudio?

Katherine: Who? Wh-why do I care?

Katherine: Say WHAT?

_(Katherine glances at Lita)_

Lita: What is it?

Katherine: Eww…you wanna' know what I think? I think you're fucking disgusting! THAT'S what I think! *click*

Lita: What was THAT all about, Kat?

Katherine: He's trying to make me jealous, he said that he has a new girlfriend—like I'm supposed to care!

Lita: New girlfriend?

Katherine: Yeah, he said some hoe named Dora.

Matt: Lita—it couldn't be, could it?

Lita's eyes grew wide as saucers at the mere mention of Dora's name.

Katherine: Yeah, it HAD to be THE Dora, Lita.

Lita: How would you know it was her?

Katherine: Hell, I could hear her annoying ass in the background trying to make Claudio say "condom".

Lita _(raised eyebrow)_: Hm…no wonder he called you up crying—HE has to deal with THAT li'l monster!

Matt _(whispering in Kat's ear)_: Hey, uhh…yeah, did he mention where he was, or anything? You know, we, uh…don't want Dora here again antagonizing Lita.

Katherine _(whispering back)_: Well, he said he was—

Suddenly, Katherine has a thought…

Katherine _(notbly louder)_: HEY WAIT a minute! You oughta' be ashaaaaamed, Matt!

Matt _(playing dumb as best he could)_: Uh…um, what are you talking about?

Katherine: don't play dumb with ME!

Lita: What's going…on?

Matt: I-It-it's nothing, Lita! Really.

Lita: What's wrong, Kat?

Katherine: Matt just asked me where Claudio was! He said that he wanted to know so that Dora can't antagonize you again!

Matt: See? Nothing wrong in that, right? Hehehe…

Katherine: Stop playing "innocent"! I know what YOU'RE up to!

Matt: Lita, she's crazy—

Lita: No, Matt, I believe her, you ASKED her that shit because you wanted to know where DORA was!

Matt: Baby, that's not TRUE!

Lita: Matt, you beg me every damn night to suck your wang! I did it that ONE time because it was your birthday!

Matt: Well, I wanted more, you know!

Lita: Kat, since we're all in a secret-telling mood today, let Me tell YOU a secret—

Jeff _(laughing)_: This is gonna' be GOOD!

Matt: Please Lita, no…

Lita: Shut up, you…pedophile! Anyway Kat, when I was going down on Matt, the phone rang, I answered it and Matt's cock is so fucking small that I could suck his…dick and STILL talk normally over the phone!

Jeff: OOOOH!

Katherine: Damn…Matt—you got anything to say?

_Matt is GLARING at Lita—and it's not a normal "I'm very disappointed in you"-glare, oh no, it's one of those "I'm about to catch a case for spousal abuse"-type glares…_

Lita: What? Did I say too much?

* * *

_Ok, I'm gonna' end this here tonight. In fact, from here on out, I'll just do two teams per chapter until they meet back up in Miami, of course. Thanks for tuning in!_

_._

But don't forget to join me next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	17. Pole Dancing and a One Night Stand

_**Alright, alright already—I KNOW it's been a while, but I had shit to do. But I'm back now, so let's do this thing, here! Last we left off, we were hanging with DX and the Hardys'. This time, however, we're gonna' look in on the nWo and their mini-quest to get Otacon laid and then we're gonna' peek in on Los Guerreros. Since it's morning in England, where DX and the Hardys are, it HAS to be getting to nightfall in Japan—ah, so it IS! Let's join up with the nWo, as they're in yet another strip club…**_

* * *

Otacon: Umm…guys, I gotta' go use the john. I'll be right back.

Hall: Eh chico, don't rush on our behalf.

Nash: Yeah, take your time, li'l man!

_The boys wait until Otacon leaves, and then…_

Hogan: Ok guys, I've been scoping out that girl over there in the black dress and those high heels, brother.

Nash: Yeah, I see what you mean, man. She's a meeeeean piece of womanhood!

Snake: So, you guys thinking about hooking that chick up with Otacon, or something?

Hogan: EXACTLY! We need to have her primed and ready for when Otacon returns.

Hall: You want me to, uh? You know?

Hogan: I don't know, brother Scott—you're too aggressive at times—hey Nash, why don't you do this one?

Nash: Alright, I'll give it a shot.

_Nash makes his way over to the lady, who's sat at a table with a bunch of pocketbooks and purses around her. Nash motions to the waitress to get them two drinks and they engage in conversation…_

Hall: Looks like big Kev is workin' his magic, huh?

Hogan: Yeah, he's always been smooth like that.

_Otacon makes his way back over to the table._

Snake: Damn, you're back quickly! Wait—don't tell me you didn't wash your hands!

Otacon: What? Of COURSE I did!

Snake: Now—it's not like last time, is it?

Otacon: Oh come on, Snake! I'm a scientist, for God's sake!

Snake: Yeah, but you're ALSO a nasty li'l fucker—you didn't wash your hands by…peeing on them again, did you?

Hall: Ugh…chico.

Otacon: NO…It so happens that I kept it clean this time!

Snake: Well good, because tonight, we have a li'l something for you, man.

Hulk: Yeah brother, just wait!

Otacon: Great—I LOVE surprises!

_Just then, two girls invite Hulk up on stage to dance with them. Hulk sips his beer and takes it up on stage with him…_

Hulk: Duty calls, brother!

Hall: Wait up, mang!

_Hall runs to the DJ's booth and pulls a CD out of his tights. The DJ nods and puts Hall's CD on. The music starts playing and Hall gets on the mic…_

Hall: Uh…yo, this is to my main mang, Hollywood, up on stage kickin' it with the ladies!

_Hall raises his beer mug up to Hogan as the nWo entrance theme plays over the speaker system._

Hulk: Awesome, brother! This is my SHIT!

_Hulk's in between the two topless strippers playing air guitar, as they're on either side of him, doing the butterfly. He does that circular hand-waving thing he does before he finally holds his hand up to his ear and leans toward the crowd, giving a thumbs-up, with a big smile on his face._

Hall: Snake, Hulk's killin' it, chico.

Snake: Damn, when I grow up, I wanna' be like him.

_Just then, Nash approaches the table…_

Nash: Hey guys, she's ready!

Snake: Cool, I'll go…drag Hulk off-stage.

Otacon: Huh? What do you mean, Kev?

Nash _(smirking)_: Ah, don't worry, li'l buddy—you'll see.

_Snake dances his way on stage doing the two-step—yes, he's in his FULL military uniform, I might add—YOU know how I have to do!—he makes his way over to Hulk and whispers in his ear. Hulk stops and nods to Nash. Nash gives an "a-OK" sign. _

Hulk: Sorry bitches, we gotta' roll!

_The crew quickly leaves the establishment—and the half-naked strippers start circling their arms before holding their hands to their ears while leaning into the crowd. One of them actually starts flexing their arms and the other one just keeps doing bionic legdrops on her bra up on stage, for some reason._

* * *

_We'll leave them for the time being, anyway. In the meantime, we'll look in on Los Guerreros, who are ALSO at a strip club…_

Chavo: I'm TELLING you, Uncle Eddie—Aunt Vickie WON'T find out. Besides, look at how much FUN it is—look at TRISH, for fuck's sake! SHE'S giving a lap dance to a STRIPPER! I mean-look AROUND! We got fuckin' strippers, drinks, money, big-ass titties-ALL that, vato!

Eddie: Ok, ok…you win—Ok, I'm gonna' go over to the bar and get a tequila and some Sake.

Chavo: THAT'S the Uncle Eddie I know! SIMON, ESE!

Shaggy: Chavo, I do love strip clubs!

Chavo: Yeah, I do too, ese! Hey, uh…you ever see that Daphne chica naked?

Shaggy: Well, I did once, but Alan caught me looking. He's a hater, right Scoob?

Scooby: Grr…REAH…HE'S A RATER, RAGGY!

Chavo: What? Did he like, close the blinds or something?

Shaggy: Yes he did! I was eating a turkey leg and jerking off HAPPILY until he ruined my high!

Chavo _(smiling)_: Well, did he ever talk to you about it?

Shaggy: Ha! Breakfast was awkward as hell next morning, let me tell ya'! Daphne wouldn't even LOOK at me, she just kept looking down at her plate, with her arms folded and her smock covering her delicate, perky bazooms.

Scooby: RELICATE AND RERKY, RAGGY!

Shaggy: You said it, boy!

Chavo: What was Alan like?

Shaggy: Alan kept glaring at me, with a raised eyebrow. He kissed Daphne on the cheek, all the while glaring at me!

Chavo: Daaaaamn…what'd you do?

Shaggy: I tried to break the ice by offering her some milk, but she just yelled "MIIIIIIILK!" and ran away from the table, crying. Alan got PISSED, Chavo. He yelled "See what you DID, you perverted fuck!" and then he went after her.

Chavo: Hahahaaa…shiiiiiiiit dude—that's a compliment! If someone's wanking off to your chick, you should feel PROUD, ese! I mean, the most they can do would BE to wank off—it ain't like they're gonna' have the real thing, ANYWAY!

Shaggy: I'm glad you see it my way, Chavo! I mean, why take away what little pleasure I have, right? I mean, really!

_Meanwhile, in the background, Eddie AND Trish are dancing with a couple of strippers. Eddie has a rose in his mouth and he's bumping, he's grinding-and Trish is grinding HARD on this one stripper, while wearing a cowboy hat._

Trish: See Eddie, didn't we TELL you this would be fun!?

Eddie: AIYEEEE! Yes mami, you were right! This is the SHIIIIIIT, ESE!

_The music fades out and they make their way back over to the table, high-fiving and breathing heavily, as if they just had a match, or something. The stripper that Trish was dancing with slips her her phone number on a napkin she pulled out of her brassiere._

Chavo: Damn, Uncle Eddie—you were tearin' it up! You were, too Trish!

Trish: Damn, that was sooooo much fun—I even got a number, WHOO-HOO!

Eddie: You swing that way, Trish?

Trish: Well, I HAVE been curious for a while, now—maybe I'll give it a shot.

Shaggy: OOOH-OOOH…can I watch?

Trish: Boy, please!

Shaggy: Aww, c'mon!

Trish: Don't MAKE me slap you, Shaggy!

Shaggy: ZOIKS!

Eddie: Aaaanyway, Chavito—I can't thank you enough for talking me into doing this! I've been far too uptight for far too long, ese!

Chavo: Uncle Eddie, Trish got a phone number, what'd you get?

Eddie _(smirking)_: I didn't get any phone numbers, but I DID get, like 4 fiftys!

Trish: EDDIE!

Eddie: Whaaaat? I…just…that stripper I was dancing with GAVE me this money! Relax!

Trish: No she didn't, you STOLE her tips! She's trying to get through college!

_At that, they all have a hearty laugh…_

Eddie: Look, she DID give me this—I mean, she kept bumping me with the hip that had the money in it, so I figured, when in Rome…

Trish _(rolling her eyes)_: I don't BELIEVE you, Eddie! You should be ashamed!

Eddie: Hey, chica—next round—on me! Bartender!

Trish: Free drinks? Sheeeiiiit—I can let SOME things slide, I guess, hahaha!

* * *

_Ok, let's leave them and rejoin the nWo, as they've arrived at a hotel for the night…_

Hulk: Ok brothers, here's the deal—Me? I'm going to my room, I'm tired, dudes. Hall, you and Kev can do whatever, and uh…Snake, you got Otacon, right?

Snake: Yup.

Hulk: Ok, we'll all meet up at 7 tomorrow!

Nash: Ok cool. C'mon guys, let's get some shuteye.

_So Hall, Nash, Snake, and Otacon head for their respective rooms. As Otacon opens his door, Snake, Hall, Hogan, and Nash all quietly open theirs to peek at Otacon's reaction when he sees…_

Otacon _(not paying attention yet)_: Hmm-hmm-hmmmmm…

_That's when he looks up and sees a woman on his bed with nothing on but her bra, panties, and a smile._

Otacon: Wha-whaaat are you—who ARE you—an-and how'd you get in my room?

Lady: Come over here, sexy.

_Otacon, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, runs over to the bed, shedding his clothing so fast that, by the time he gets to the bed, he's ass-naked!_

Lady: Well DAMN!

Otacon: You are so lovely tonight, baby.

_Meanwhile, just around the corner…_

Hulk: Damn, he got naked QUICK!

Nash: I knew he needed to get laid, but I had NO idea it was like THIS!

Snake: Shh…guys, I can't hear!

_Inside the room…_

Lady: Let's take off those glasses, shall we?

_She slowly takes Otacon's glasses off and pushes him backwards onto the bed. She starts kissing him, going lower and lower, until finally.._

Lady _(grimacing a little)_: What's that….taste? Why does your dick taste like…lotion?

_Meanwhile behind the wall outside…_

Hogan: Should we have expected anything else, brothers?

_Ok, back in the bedroom…_

Otacon: Umm…I haven't showered yet, that was some, uh…lotion I was using earlier, ehehehee…hee.

Lady: Mmmm…you like masturbating, huh?

Otacon _(sheepishly)_: Uh…just a little.

Lady: Well hon—I think we should just got to it, how about you?

Otacon _(trying not to drool)_: S-sure thing…absolutely!

_The lady and Otacon lay back and start getting it on for REAL. Meanwhile, Hogan and the boys are waiting by the door smiling…_

Snake: *sniff* I'm so proud of him!

Hulk: Ok guys, we know he's in the house. Good job, Kev. How much did'ya have to pay that chick, anyway?

Nash: Oh, wasn't much—you'd be surprised what people would do for only $200. HAHAAA!

Hall: You're a trip, mang. C'mon guys, let's get some shuteye. We'll hear the report from Otacon in the morning.

_Ok, normally, I'd end it here, but I'm cutting to morning—I'm going for the GUSTO!_

_._

_8 am—at breakfast…_

Hall: So, uh, Otacon—did you have a good night, mang?

Otacon _(blushing)_: Scott—it-it was…MAGNIFICENT! But it WAS kind of…odd, though.

Hulk: What, was she into freaky shit, or something?

Nash: What, did she tie a rope around your balls and start gently licking them?

Snake: Damn, Nash!

Nash: Inquiring minds wanna' know!

Otacon: Well, when I took off her bra, THAT'S when it got weird.

Snake: Huh, what's so weird about titties, dude?

Otacon: Ok, hear me out here—When I took off her bra, she had a UNIBOOB!

All in unison: A UNIBOOB?

Otacon: Affirmative. At first I was like "ok what the fuck is THAT?" Hell, I don't care—if I see something wrong, I'm GONNA' ask!

Hulk: Haha…Ok, and she said?

Otacon: Well, it turns out that she has cancer.

Nash: Oh my damn—guys, I had no idea—

Otacon: No, it's cool Nash—she explained what you did and I appreciate it. I NEEDED to get laid. But anyway, she only HAD one titty. And she made me suck on the one titty.

Hall: Chico, nothing beats two, though, right?

Otacon: Well, after last night, I'm not so sure. What I mean is that I didn't, like, have to keep going back and forth between two titties. I just sucked the one, but it WAS strange looking over to the other side of her chest and seeing…fuckin'…ground ZERO, and shit!

Snake: Dayum…BWAAHAHAHAHAAAA! I gotta' try that shit, sometime! Damn, dude—I can see where it'd make things easier, though.

Nash: Yeah, not as much multitasking, you know?

_Aaaaaand with that, they all share a good laugh and sing altogether "FOR OTACON'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, …"_

* * *

Thanks for joining me again—and join me next time as well—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	18. An Unquenchable Desire for Power!

_**I missed you all-and I know you missed me, too! So I'm back again, for yet another round of The Adventure! Tonight, we're gonna' join DX and the Hardys, as they make their way toward jolly 'ol London. In actuality, though, we're gonna' stay with the Hardy's for now.**_

* * *

Katherine: Looks like we're getting close to London, guys!

Matt: Yeah, THEN you can tell us where this place IS!

Katherine: Where…what place is?

Matt _(slightly impatient)_: Where my boss wants his damn porn from, that's where!

Katherine: Matthew, I'd strongly suggest that you take the bass out of your voice.

Matt: Oh…Fuckthisshit! Lita—I'm sorry—for EVERYTHING! Baby, I just want us …I want us to be a couple again.

Lita: Well…I'll have to think about it. You really pissed me off, Matt.

Matt: Ok…fine—but don't forget all we mean to each other!

Lita: Hm…right now, Matt—your words are just…words to me.

_Suddenly, something gets Jeff's attention_

Jeff: Oh SHIT! Look at THAT!

Katherine: What the fuck? Why does a special-ed schoolbus have…REAL WINGS?

Lita: Damn—that's DX, Jeff! Quick, take that side street so they don't see us!

_Jeff hauls ass down the side street, just out of DX's field of vision._

Matt: Shit, dude—that was close.

Jeff: Yeah, I'm not ready to deal with DX quite yet, anyway.

Katherine: I thought DX only had 3 members—Moe, Larry…and X-Pac. That bus looked like it was FILLED with people!

Lita: Hahaha…it's probably only Stephanie!

_Matt and Jeff snicker a little…_

Katherine: Lita! You shouldn't talk about your boss' daughter like that! Heheheee!

Lita: It's TRUE! It probably IS JUST Stephanie! I mean, HHH was telling me just last WEEK about when he and steph were on their way to RAW, right? Well, he was telling me how their limo got pulled over because the cop thought that there were too many people in the car!

_They all have a quick laugh…_

Lita: Yeah, HHH was all like, "Hey, why'd you pull us over? We're gonna' be late!"

Jeff: Yeah?

Lita: The cop said, hahaha…the cop said "_Everybody out of the vehicle!_" And HHH said that he stepped out, but it took him AND the officer to pull Steph out of the car! He said that as they were pulling, Steph was p-pushing so hard, hahaha…she was pushing so hard that she cut a loud but quick fart and the officer just said _"Ya' know what? They don't pay me enough for this shit, go on you two!"_

_They ALL break out in laughter…_

Matt: Hahahaaaa…no shit?

Lita: None at all! HHH was mad the ENTIRE evening, dude! Especially when he found Stephanie waddling around the hallways with a sign hanging on her back that said _"How's my driving? Dial 1-800-fat-slut"_! When Hunter found that sign, he was LIVID, he went all around the locker room asking who put that sign on Steph's back!

Matt: Hahaha…daaaaamn!

Lita: We all knew it was Chris Jericho, but no one dimed him out because, frankly—we ALL hate HHH and his fat whale of a wife, anyway!

Jeff: HAhahaha—the part that had ME laughin the hardest was that Steph didn't even know the sign was on her back!

Matt: I know, right?

Lita: OOOH—OOOH! Chek THIS shit out—Jerry Lawler started this thing where, when we talk to Stephanie, we're to subtly refer to her as "Stephanies".

Matt: Damn…well why'd he do that?

_Lita smacks Matt upside his head…_

Matt: OW—I was just askin'

Lita: You sure can be an idiot, sometimes—he said that as in "plural", meaning she's so fat, it seems like there's more than one of her!

Jeff: Damn, boy—you're the only one who DIDN'T get that!

Matt: Eh…whatever.

Lita: Oooh—and get this—Stacy Kiebler saw Steph trying to drive her limo to a store one night during SmackDown!

Katherine _(smiling)_: Uh-huh, so what happened?

Lita: Kat, this hoe was driving her limo and EVERYONE knew she was coming because her stomach kept laying on the horn! Heheheee…when she tried to rock herself out of the limo, the horn sounded like "herrrrn…hern…herrrn, hern, hern…hern"-THAT shit was funny as hell, dude!

Jeff: Oh, I got one—remember that white suit that she thought she looked SOOOO good in?

Lita: Hahaha-yeah, I remember that shit! Miss Jacqueline said she looked like a big-assed jar of mayonnaise!

* * *

_So the Hardys and crew share a much-needed laugh. And , we'll go zero in on DX, who, as you remember, are ALSO in London…_

Referee: …one, two, three!

_Cloud rings the bell…_

X-Pac: Dude, are you EVER gonna' stop pinning things? I mena, c'mon, dude.

HHH _(ignoring X-pac)_: Harry, Cloud, Tifa—THIS is the power of the pin!

Harry: So, mister H—If I pin people and objects, that makes me…better than they are?

HHH: EXACTLY, kid!

Cloud: I don't get it—why not just take your sword, endow it with some elemental magic, and shove it up someone's ass? And collect money—depending on what level they're on.

HHH: In MY world, it doesn't WORK like that. In MY world, you try to make friends with the bookers, and if they don't go for it—then you threaten to tell Vince on them, hahahahaaa!

X-Pac: Yep, that's the way it IS, my man!

Tifa: Well…that's not really fair, is it?

HBK: Well, that's the beauty of it! You could do what I do when I don't want to lay down for anyone—I just act like I'm too injured to wrestle and make up a story about a bunch of guys jumping me the night previous! To this day—I've been jumped about 87 times.

HHH: Kid, it's all about the pin. The POWER…of the pin!

Sephiroth: HHH…

HHH: What is it, sasquatch?

Sephiroth: I shall very much like to meet this wife of yours, for she seems more powerful than you!

HHH: What? You wanna' meet my…wife, dude?

Sephiroth _(NOW wearing a DX t-shirt, for some reason)_: Yes, for I want to know the secret to her power! For I MUST have it!

HHH _(looking around and thinking quickly)_: Ummm…sure! I'll call her—wanna' use my phone?

Sephiroth: It shall be a pleasure!

X-Pac and HBK motion to HHH and they huddle, whispering…

HBK: Dude, why…did you give her Steph's number?

X-Pac: Yeah, dude, what gives?

HHH: Boys, don't worry—he's about to learn the HARD way just why it is that I call my wife a "magician"—the way she can turn ANYTHING into an argument!

HBK: Aww…dude.

X-Pac: That's ignorant, man.

HHH: Heeeheeeheee! But it's gonna' be funny as SHIT, though—watch this…

_The boys look on as Sephiroth calls Stephanie…_

_Linda: Hello, Hunter—I'll go get Stephanie for you. STEPH! DETATCH THAT BUCKET OF CHICKEN FROM YOUR FACE AND ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE! SUPPER'S ALMOST READY!_

_Steph: Coming, mom!_

_(Steph picks up the line…)_

_Steph: Hi babyyyy!_

Sephiroth: This is NOT your beloved Triple H, miss!

_Steph: Ok, well who is it?_

Sephiroth: It is I—the ruler of the universe—SEPHIROTH!

_Steph: Umm…Ok, so whaddya' want?_

Sephiroth: I've called to obtain the secret to your power! Show me that secret NOW and I shall spare your family's lives!

_Steph: X-Pac—is that YOU again? Quit playin' on my Got-damn phone!_

Sephiroth: No, this is not X-Pac…I…am…SEPHIROTH!

_Steph: Are you like, one of those telemarketers, or something—I TOLD you fuckers not to CALL me again—_

Sephiroth: SILENCE! I want to know why you're the most powerful in the WWE!

_Steph: Oh, that's easy—because my daddy is soooo powerful!_

Sephiroth: Hmm…that's it, huh? Well damn. Tell me, woman—WHO is your father?

_Steph (playing along, breathing heavily): LUKE…I AM YOUR FATHER!_

Sephiroth: You dare MOCK me?

_Meanwhile, HHH has his hand cupped over his mouth, trying to keep from laughing…_

X-Pac _(whispering)_: Dude, that was WRONG, man!

_Steph: Hahahahaaa! Hey, since I have you—uh…Seph-ir-oth, is it?_

Sephiroth: Yes, it is…

_Steph: Since I have you—could you tell my idiot of a husband to pick my mom up some Depends and to pick ME up a bucket of chicken, some ribs, and more toilet paper—I'm almost fresh out. Oh, and come Monday—in THAT very ring…_

Sephiroth: What…very ring?

_Steph: On RAW, it'll be YOU versus Big Show!_

Sephiroth: But…how can I face a Big…TV show?

_Steph: You want anything else, hon?_

Sephiroth: I..I-I guess not…

_Steph: Well, bye then. Don't forget to tell my Husband what I need from him! *click*_

Donald: Damn, son…

_HHH, HBK, and X-Pac all start laughing as Sephiroth looks on, smirking…_

HHH: HAhahahahaaa! Oh, dude—you shoulda' SEEN your face!

HBK: I-I'm sorry to be laughing, man, but that WAS funny!

Sephiroth: Funny, was it, mortals?

HHH: Hahahahaaa—I'll say!

Sephiroth: I have a message for you, from your wife, mortal.

HHH: Oh yeah? What is it?

Sephiroth: Well, she wants you to stop by the store when you get home and pick Linda up some Depends. She also wants a bucket of fried chicken, some ribs, and some toilet paper—as she's almost fresh out.

_There's an awkward silence as HHH is now glaring and beet-red with embarrassment…_

X-Pac: BWAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA! He put it ON you with THAT shit, man!

Donald: Daaaamn dude, how you just gonna' let yo' wife run out of toilet paper like that, man?

Cloud: Oh…dude, you just got embarrassed.

HHH: I fucking KNOW that!

Sephiroth: Mortal…always remember—he who laughs last, laughs BEST! MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

_Dejected and embarrassed, a now very-quiet HHH just turns his attention toward the road ahead._

* * *

So we'll leave this off right here tonight!

.

Don't forget to JOIN me next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	19. Lying, Cheating, and Losing Your Keys

_**Fans and general readers…let's continue, for God's sake! Last we left off, we were with DX and the crew along with the Hardys. Tonight, however, we're gonna' go and have a little fun and join up with the nWo!**_

* * *

Nash: Ok, so…we got my li'l buddy Otacon laid, uh…that lady got paid, we had fun at the strip club, Hulk—you got your milk a little while back there…

Hulk: Damn right, brother! Ok, next order of business is to take CARE of business. I'm gonna' stop at this petrol station up here and fill up and then we're gonna' start hunting down this liquor and porn that McMahon wants, dudes!

Hall: I'm thirsty, mang…

Snake: Wha?

_Hall pulls an entire bar from out of his trunks and Snake has a seat at the bar. Scott suddenly has a bowtie on as Snake orders…_

Snake: Ummm…I'd like a gin and tonic, my good man!

Hall: Comin' right up, chico!

Nash _(shaking his head)_: Maaaan, I'm no homo, but I'd LOVE to see what else you have in your tights.

Otacon: Eeeeee!...hahahaha!

Nash: Eh-eh now, I mean, he's been pulling all sorts of shit from his tights—don't tell me YOU'RE not the LEAST bit curious, guy!

Otacon: What's down a man's…tights is his own business.

Hulk: Li'l Otacon's right, brother! If he has a full bar, complete with barstools down there, then I say enjoy it. I'd be ordering something myself if I weren't driving, brother.

_Nash shakes his head and hops up on one of the barstools._

Hall: Eh Big Kev, what can I do ya for, mang?

Nash _(rolling his eyes)_: Meh…fuckit…lemme' git a Rolling rock with a whiskey back.

Hogan: Ok here's the petrol station, I'm gonna go fill the Maliboob up and we'll be on our way, dudes. By the way—Hall, maybe you can save us some time…

Hall: What's up, Hulk, mang?

Hulk: You wouldn't happen to have that bottle of Glenlivet that Vince wants, do ya?

Nash: Yeah? PLEASE tell us you have it!

Hall: Damn, chico…

Otacon: What's wrong, Scott?

Hall: JUST before taking this…trip. I used my last bottle to break over the head of this Italian dude who tried to cheat my ass during a game of craps in this alley back in Miami.

Hulk: Damn! Well…we're just gonna' have to do this ourselves.

* * *

_Meanwhile, there's a van in the shape of a giant kidney bean approaching the same petrol station…_

Eddie: Simon, ese! There's Hogan and his crew of misfits.

Trish: Hahahaaa!

Chavo: What's so funny, Trish?

Trish: I just thought of something.

Eddie: What?

Trish: I was thinking that MAYBEEEE…we could…

_She leans forward and they huddle for a couple moments…_

Shaggy: Zoiks! That's brilliant, Trish!

Eddie: Damn, mami…you're more evil than I am!

Chavo: Uncle Eddie—I think you created a monster.

Trish _(smiling wide)_: Hahaha…c'mon boys!

_Shaggy wheels the van behind a nearby bush and Trish gets out and sees that the coast is clear. She goes up to the Maliboob and looks around before looking inside. She sees the Hogan left his keys in the ignition!_

Eddie: I hope she hurries, here comes baldilocks out of the store right now, homes!

Chavo: C'moooon Trish, you can do it!

_Trish sees Hogan approaching, she hurriedly but gently opens his driver's side door…_

_Hogan sees her, too!_

Hulk: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BROTHER?! HEY GUYS, GET OUT HERE, QUICK!

_Trish quickly hits the "lock" button on Hulk's car and runsaround the car as Hogan is trying to catch her…_

Hulk: GUYS, HURRY UP—THIS BROAD'S FAST!

_Trish fades left and quickly jukes right and Hogan falls on the ground. Hall and Nash angrily come running out of the store and Trish takes a running jump into the waiting van and it zooms off. Hulk shakes his fist in the cloud of dust from the bean-van…_

Hulk: WHAT'CHA GONNA' DO WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, GUERRERO!

Hall: You ok, Hulk, mang?

Hulk: Damn bitch done locked my keys in the car!

_Nash looks through the window…_

Nash: Daaaaamn. What are we gonna' do NOW? This'll give them an INCREDIBLE lead!

Snake: Hmm…sabotage, huh?

Nash: You got any ideas, man?

Snake: Yeah, I do, in fact. Otacon?

Otacon: Yeah?

Snake: You got any more of those stealth outfits?

Otacon: Oh, of course. How many do you need?

Snake: Enough for all of us.

Otacon: Sure fellas, here you go.

_They all put the buttons on them and click the buttons to make sure they work and then they huddle up…_

Hulk: Ok, first, we're gonna get my keys outta' here, brother! THAN, we're gonna' play a li'l bait and switch—nWo styyyye! HAHAHAAA!

_They all look at each other and you can best believe they're all on the same page as they all start laughing!_

Hall: Yeah, mang—Guerrero, that mid-card jabroni Chavo, that nothing-happenin' punk Shaggy and his mutt, and that skank Trish—'dey gon' KNOW…who they messin' with, mang.

Nash: Hey Scott, so, uh…you got a slim-jim in your trunks?

Hall: I'm not sure, mang.

_Hall bends over and puts his head inside of his own trunks, he looks around and sees a Dollar Store, a couple of Corner stores, and Grand shopping mall, a red-light district, and a ghetto, but he can't find a slim-jim anywhere._

Hall: Nope, sorry mang.

Snake: You know—you're a trip, dude.

Hall: What do you mean, mang?

Snake: Well…you seem to have every living manner of things in your tights, hell, you even have a goddamn BAR in there, but you mean to tell us that you can't find a slim-jim?

Hall _(shrugs)_: Seems that way, mang. Remind me to go to Auto Zone, or something.

Snake: Unbelievable.

Hulk: this isn't getting us anywhere, dudes.

Nash: Hulk's right—we gotta' figure out a plan.

* * *

_So, as the boys figure out where to go from here, let's join up with the victorious Los Guerreros…_

Chavo: Trish, that shit was FUNNY!

Trish: Heheheee…I told ya'—he's just like my ex—bald and he seems to always forget his keys in his car. I was about to steal his keys, but…naaah. I figured I'd just lock them in his car, instead.

Shaggy: Boy, oh boy…remind me never to get on YOUR bad side, Trish!

Scooby: REAH, REAH!

Trish: Nyahahahahaaaa!

Eddie: You're starting to scare me, mami.

Trish: You've taught me well, Eduardo. You've taught me well, tee-hee! In fact…

_Trish reaches down her shirt and pulls out a bottle of tequila._

Eddie: Shit! Where'd you get THAT, mami?

Trish _(smiling)_: Oh…just a li'l something I picked up earlier!

Chavo: Wha? Earlier? When?

Trish: Hm-hmmmm…that's for me to know and for YOU to wonder about. A shot…anyone?

Shaggy: Trish, you may be a klepto, but you suuuure can steal a mean drink!

Scooby: REAH, REAH REEEEAN RINK!

_With a rather saucy smile, Trish pulls out some shot glasses from out of her bra and passes them out._

Eddie: What do we drink to?

Trish: Tonight Eddie, baby—we drink to ME! This is my latest invention—I call it a "Milky Way Tequila"!

Eddie: ORALE, HOMES! VIVA LA RASA! Uh…what's that, mami?

Trish: Gimme your glass.

_Eddie hands her his glass, she pulls out a shaker AND ice from out of her shirt. She pours some tequila in the shaker, as well as the ice, and then she whips out a titty and squirts it inside the shaker—it sounds like someone peeing in a tin can._

Shaggy: ZOIKS!

_Scooby's eyes roll out of his head like a couple of dice, at this point. _

Chavo: Damn…that shit was fucking RANDOM, Trish! You whipped out your…totoni right in front of everyone, that was wrong, mami.

Trish _(shaking the shaker)_: Hmhm…drink up, boys!

_Eddie takes his drink and he and Chavo nervously look at each other._

Eddie: Eh…mami, I don't know about this.

Trish: C'mon, drink up! I've been told that my milk tastes like sweet cream.

Chavo: Who told you that?

Trish: Torrie Wilson—but if you want details, you're gonna' have to trust me and drink up!

_With that, Eddie, Shaggy, and Chavo looked at each other with wide eyes and hurriedly drank Trish's…um, drink._

Trish: Not bad, huh?

Eddie _(licking his lips)_: You know what, vato? This shit ain't so bad AFTER all, SIMON, ESE! It tastes like, eh…vanilla COKE and shit, man!

Chavo: Yeah, yeah, yeah—It was good, blah, blah, blah-now tell us about Torrie tasting your milk! I wanna' know what color her nipples are—

Scooby: REAH, RIPPLES, RIPPLES!

Trish: Hahaha…easy—I introduced my drink to HER first!

_The boys all looked at each other, disappointed._

Eddie: Yeah, yeah, yeah…whatever mami. Don't get my hopes up like that.

Trish: Haaaahaaaaaaa! I got youuuuu! Oh, and her nipples are pinkish-brown…and they point to the floor.

Chavo _(let down)_: Awww…you mean…without her bra, her tetas…droop?

Trish: Yep, she's been telling me that she's going to get implants, but—

Chavo: I don't BELIEVE this! Such a lovely mami and her titties have…fuckin'…low self-esteem and shit!

_Trish just shrugs._

Trish: Sorry to ruin it for you guys, but—you HAVE to know the truth.

Eddie _(sighs)_: Well, let's just concentrate on getting this…Glenlivet and this "Milky Mams" magazine.

_So we'll stop here as they motor on down the highway._

* * *

_Gee, wonder what Snake and the nWo have planned for Los Guerreros and crew? But, knowing those nWo boys, it's likely gonna' be diabolical._

_._

Buuut…join me next time, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	20. A Way with Words and Sheer Hunger

_**Well, here I am again, fans and readers alike, tonight, we're gonna' join up with the battle taking place in England—DX and crew versus Team Extreme, with Katherine. I flipped a coin and decided that, since it landed on "heads". We'll join up with DX first, as they're on the road…**_

* * *

Donald Duck: You know what?

HHH: Naw…what, dude?

Donald: We need to be about getting' this shit fo' yo' boss, nigga.

HHH: True, true…fortunately, we're almost in London—hell, I can see the royal palace from here!

HBK: Y'know, I was thinkin'—it's too bad that Billy and Road Dogg couldn't join us—they'd be lovin' this shit, here.

X-Pac: Yeah, I know. But, you know, Road Dogg would've prolly just slowed us down, dude. What, with his twisted ankle, THANKS to fuckin' AUSTIN!

HHH: I know, right? Just who the hell does Austin think he is, anyway? I'm tellin' you guys, when we get this shit for Vince, we're gonna' make his ass pay!

Tifa: Well, I don't know about all that, but I'm kinda' hungry.

Cloud: Yeah, me too. Hey HBK, can we get something to eat?

HBK: Hmm…ok, sounds like a plan.

_So, the boys find a nearby eatery—a deli, to be more specific. They place their orders, get their food, and sit outside at a table on the sidewalk, just outside the restaurant._

Donald: Daaaamn, yo.

X-Pac: What's up…duck?

Donald: I don't believe 'dey ain't have _**any**_ 40s of St. Ides! I mean, I can't eat no goddamn sub without my brew, son! These limey muh'fuckers don't know how to DRINK!

Tifa: Easy, Donald—when we get back, you'll get your…um…brew. It's not that big a deal, dude.

Donald: Not that big a DEAL? Not that big a DEAL? Wha'chu know, Tifa?

Cloud: Hey, Donald—ease up, dude. Hey, I'll buy you a nice strong beer later, dude, just…y'know…easy.

Donald: A'ight…cool then. But if you don't I'm-a buss' a cap in 'dat ass!

Cloud _(sighing)_: I-I know, Donald. You're…gonnaaaaa bust a cap in my "honky ass". I know, don't worry.

X-Pac: So, Hunter, where do you think this place is?

HHH: I have a feeling that we're going to have to go to a _couple_ places. I mean, I seriously doubt that ONE store can carry both Jaegermeister and—what was that magazine called?

X-Pac: Umm…"British Bums"

HHH: Uh, yeah…that.

_Just then, a blonde-haired lady with a rather ample posterior walks by. This gets Donald's attention…_

Donald _(running up to her)_: Oh Babybabybabybabybaby PLEEEEEEASE stop!

HHH _(looking at Cloud and Tifa)_: Has he NO shame?

Tifa: None at all, guy.

HHH _(smirking)_: Damn, Don's an ANIMAL!

Donald: So, uh…my name's Donald. What's yours?

Lady: M-my name's Diane

Donald: Mmm…Diane and Donald—that be soundin' good together, huh?

Lady _(smiling)_: Um…I guess…I

Donald: How'd you like to buy me a drink, baby?

Lady: Um…excuse me?

Donald: DAMN you got a fat ass! How about you let me tap 'dat ass?

Lady: Ugh…what a-get lost, you tosser!

_The lady quickly runs across and down the street, yelling "EEEEEEEK!"_

Donald: YO, wait up, baby! I wanted to toss something, myself—yo' SALLID! GIT back here, bitch!

_Donald starts after her and stops…_

Donald: YOU **NEED** T'BE HAVIN' MY BABIES!

HHH: Uh, Donald?

Donald _(holding his crotch)_: Yo, what man?

HHH: I-I just don't think that a-a sexually aggressive duck with no pants on is going to appeal to a woman. Y'know? Just sayin'.

Donald: Man, fuck dat' shit. I was gonna' shove my big, feathered fuckstick all up IN 'dat ass!

HBK: Dude…you have a bit to learn about women.

Donald: What? Man PLEASE!

HBK: What do you MEAN "Oh please"? YOU just told that lady that she-she has a fat ASS!

Donald: Cause…'dat's how I do. And besides, who YOU talkin' to? Son, I get mo' pussy that yo' gay ass ever gits!

Cloud: Ok, enough Donald! Shawn! Now…we're supposed to be finding liquor and porn. Let's not lose focus, guys.

HHH: He's right guys. Let's finish up and get a move on.

* * *

_So, we'll leave them be and join up with the Hardys, who are ALSO in London, but on the opposite side of town…_

Lita: Hey Kat, where IS this place, anyway?

Katherine: It's deep in the BOWELS of this city.

Jeff: Well, are we at LEAST getting close?

Katherine: Well, we're GETTING close—it IS in this direction, but we're not gonna' be able to get in until nightfall.

Matt: What? Why do we have to wait until nightfall?

Katherine: Well, this place is attached to a restaurant that has a nightclub in place of a basement, and then we have to go THROUGH the nighclub in order to even enter this place. Oh, and we need to know the password, too.

Matt: Fuck—there's a password, too?

Katherine: Well…yeah.

Lita: Do you know it?

Katherine: Nope…sorry, but-

Matt: What the hell do you MEAN, "nope"? We've come all this WAY!

Lita: Calm the fuck down, Matthew.

Katherine: Now, as I was GOING to say—I know the girl who can get us in. But first, let's get something to eat, I'm hungry.

Jeff: You said a mouthful on that one, Kat. I was thinkin' the same thing!

Katherine: What? That I was so hungry?

Jeff: No…no, I was thinking about how hungry I—as in ME—am.

_Katherine just shrugs and puts her arm around Jeff and starts twirling his hair a little._

Jeff: So…uh…where'd you have in mind to eat?

_Katherine looks around and, as they're passing a few buildings, one grabs her attention…_

Katherine _(pointing)_: THAT one!

Lita: Hmm…looks like a nice place on the outside. Let's check it out!

_So Jeff wheels the "car" up to the building and they get out and go inside the restaurant._

Matt _(looking around)_: Well damn, this is a NICE fucking restaurant. But…

Lita: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing—why are all these cameramen here?

_Suddenly, there's a bunch of angry yelling emanating from the kitchen…_

**Voice: …AND YOU FUCKING BETTER BELIEVE I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF! IT'S LIKE NO ONE GIVES A TOSS AROUND HERE! **

_The group, along with some of the other customers, all look at each other and mumble amongst themselves…_

**Voice: HOW CAN YOU KEEP YOUR FRIDGE LOOKING LIKE THAT—FROM SPOLED, SLIMY FUCKING CHICKEN TO GREEN BURGERS, TO FUCKING MICE DROPPINGS ALL STEWN ABOUT. TELL THOSE DINERS THAT WE'RE SHUTTING THE RESTAURANT, FUCKING NOW!**

_The waitstaff comes out to the dining room and tells everyone that they're done serving and the kitchen is closed. The customers are dumbfounded, some are confused, most are still hungry as the waitstaff apologizes for the inconvenience._

Jeff: Well damn, looks like we may have just avoided something, guys. C'mon, let's go.

Lita: Hey, uh, excuse me, waitress—why is the restaurant closing?

Waitress _(looks around, whispering)_: It's Chef Gordon Ramsay—we're taping, that's why all these cameras are here.

Matt: Ohhhhh…so THAT'S it? Hm…"Kitchen Nightmares", right?

_The waitress nods and…_

**Voice: WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY? IT SHOULDN'T TAKE THIS FUCKING LONG TO SHUT DOWN THE DINING ROOM!**

_The waitress jumps a little._

Waitress: Oops…gotta' go!

Katherine: Well, I guess we can't eat here. Somehow, I think I should be grateful, though.

Matt: You heard what Chef Ramsay was yelling—we ARE fucking lucky to have dodged THAT one! C'mon y'all. Let's go.

_So the gang drives off in search of another restaurant, and, as they search, they're getting closer and closer to center city._

Matt: I hope it isn't far to where that girl lives.

Katherine: Just be patient, Matt. We'll get there. Chillax, dude.

_So a few minutes pass…_

Matt _(whining)_: Are we there yet?

Katherine: No, we're not there yet, just hold on.

_A few more minutes pass…_

Matt: Are we THERE yet?

Jeff: Matt, stop it! We're GETTING there!

_A few MORE minutes pass…_

Matt _(sighs)_: Are we there YET?

Katherine: Matt, I SWEAR, if you ask me that shit one more time, we're turning around!

_Just then, they start to approach the girl's house._

Katherine: Whew…here we are!

_They park and get out of the car. Kat rings the bell. Soon after, a young, physically fit girl with blonde hair answers…_

Girl: Heeeey! Kat! What's up, girl!?

Katherine: I'm good, I'm good! Hey, lemme' introduce you to my friends…

Girl: Well don't just stand there like a bunch of wankers, c'mon in!

_So Katherine explains the situation to the girl and she's smiling and nodding. She calls two guys from down her basement and they come up the steps…_

Girl: Guys, this is Ken and this is Ryu!

Matt _(smiling)_: Am I fucking…dreaming, or something? Aren't you guys fucking…VIDEO game characters?

Ken: Yep, and we kick ass, too! I was kickin' HIS butt in some Virtua Fighter downstairs

Ryu _(the more dignified of the two)_: Good evening to you all, my name is Ryu, it's nice to meet you all.

Katherine: Cammy, you're the best—these two would be a PERFECT fit for our quest!

Cammy: Yes, besides—I know the bouncers in that nightclub personally. If they see me with the lot of you, they'll let you in, no problem.

Ken: Damn…beer and porn, huh? Your boss sounds like an interesting fella'!

_Matt, Jeff, and Lita all look at each other…_

Jeff _(shaking his head slowly)_: You have NOOOOO idea, my friend.

Cammy: Hey, you lot hungry?

Katherine: Oh GOD yes!

Cammy: Spot on, then. I made a shepherd's pie earlier today and I can't possibly eat it all myself. Would you come help me out, then?

Matt: Fuckin' absolutely! Let's go!

Cammy: I want to go out tonight, anyway. I'd like for you all to eat proper first, and then we all can get your boss's..uh…shit, right?

.

_Ok, so our teams are nearing the spot, only a short distance to go! I'll leave it off here for tonight! Thanks for reading, please review!_

* * *

Oh, and don't forget to join me again—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	21. How About a Game of Pin the Tail?

_**Hurrah, hurraaaaaahhh! Here we go again, let's drop in on the nWo, who are back on the road, now that Hulk figured out a way to get into his car—he stole a hangar from out of this one lady's trunk as she went inside to pay for her gas.**_

* * *

Nash: Ok, how are we gonna' catch 'em?

Otacon: Never fear, big Kev—I was in stealth mode when this was all going down. I put an RTD-radar tracking device—on Eddie's…um, "van".

Hulk: Sweet!

Hall: Ok, so how's this gonna' work, mang?

_Otacon bends over and reaches in his butt…_

Otacon: Easy—I just use my laptop here…ugh, THERE we go!

Nash: Dude, you just pulled that…out of your ass! Didn't that hurt?

Otacon: No, not really, after a while, you get used to it.

Snake: God help you if you ever go to prison, dude. Those inmates are gonna' be shvin' all KINDS of vegetables, apples, and whatnot up YOUR ass, pal.

Otacon: Aaaaaanyway—we can track their every movement with this radar program that I've installed!

_Hulk peeks over and sees two blips—one red and one blue…_

Hulk: Hey, is that red one us, dude?

Otacon: No, that's THEM. WE'RE the blue blip.

Nash: Man, I can't wait to get back at them for that bullshit they pulled back at that petrol station!

Hulk: Oh, don't you worry brother Kev—we're gonna' run WILD on their asses, oh trust and believe!

Otacon: Speed up, Hulk, they're not too far from here! In fact…turn this corner, here!

_Hulk puts the petal to the metal, so to say, and his Maliboob screeches on down the road…_

Hall: Hey hulk, mang?

Hulk: What's up big Scott?

Hall: Don't forget our plan, mang.

Hogan: Oh don't worry about that, brother Scott. Hehehe…aaaaaall we need to do is just get 'em within eyesight!

Snake: That's right! THEN…we put a TAIL on those asses!

All: Hahahahaaaa! YEAH!

Otacon _(adjusting his glasses)_: Yes…uh, nWo style! 4-LIIIIFE!

Hulk: Hahaha…tell'm Otacon!

Otacon: Ooh…ok—they should be just around this bend!

Hulk: Ok fellas, I just saw them zoom around that corner there! Everybody, go into stealth mode!

_The boys all go into stealth mode, with one push of a button. Otacon even put a stealth device on Hulk's car and it, too, went into stealth mode._

Nash: Uh, hey Otacon?

Otacon: Yeah, what's up?

Nash: I was just, eh…thinking—isn't it, like, kind of dangerous if our car is invisible?

Snake: Uh, yeah…Nash is right, guy.

Otacon _(smiling)_: Ah, but our car is NOT invisible! I programmed that particular stealth device to DISGUISE what the car would look like!

Hulk: Damn, brother—you're a fucking GENIUS!

Otacon: Not too shabby, huh?

Hall: Damn, mang—so what does it look like we're driving?

Otacon: I disguised our car as a Volkswagen CC!

Nash: Niiiice…they'll NEVER suspect us now! Let's roll up!

_So, Hulk gently accelerates closer to Eddie's bean-van. So, now you know we have to go visit Eddie and the crew!_

* * *

Chavo: Hmm…are you SURE they won't catch us, Uncle Eddie?

Eddie: Chavito, I told you not to worry, homes! Your Uncle Eddie HAS this!

Shaggy: Trish, you ARE an evil genius, I'll tell you THAT!

Trish: Hmhmhmhm…thanks, Shaggy. I DO try.

Eddie: Ok, this porn..place SHOULDN'T be too far…

_Shaggy pulls something out of his pocket…_

Trish: Hey Shag, what's that?

Shaggy: Well Trish, it's my PB&PD!

Eddie: What the—a "PB&PD", vato?

Shaggy: Ehh…that means my "Portable Beer & Porn Detector"

Trish: Wow…NOW I've seen everything. How does it work?

Shaggy: Hahaha…simple, Trish—What you do is, you type in the brand name of the AlKaholiK _(lol)_ beverage and the name of the porn mag you want, and this baby—it shows you the nearest place where this stuff's sold!

Chavo _(looking intently)_: Woooow…that's fucking amazing, dude.

Shaggy: Ah, Eddie—turn left up here at this crossing—the shop's supposed to be 1 mile down the road.

_Eddie hurries to the intersection, all the while looking around for Hogan's car. He looks in his rear-view mirror and sees a rather gorgeous Volkswagen CC._

Eddie: Daaaamn…that CC is fuckin' TIGHT! Look!

_They all turn around…_

Trish: I'm not really into cars, but that right there IS nice.

Chavo: Maaaan, if I had time, I'd fuckin' STEAL that bitch!

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the "Volkswagen"…_

Hogan: Hahaha…Otacon, you're a fucking GENIUS, man! This shit's working, brah!

Nash: Yeah, look at those losers, admiring our…CAR! BWAHAHAHAAAA!

Hogan: Yeah, we're gonna' keep following 'em, see if they can lead us to the porn spot, or something.

* * *

_Ok, back to the bean-van…_

Shaggy: Zoiks! Eddie—the light's green.

_Eddie turns the corner and looks at the buildings as he slowly passes by. Meanwhile, Hogan and the crew duck into a parking space about a half-block up from where Eddie and his crew are…_

* * *

Hogan: Ok dudes, they're stopping. It looks like they may have found the porn spot.

Nash: Yeah, they must've because that whore Trish just hopped out of the van and gave a thumbs-up signal to the driver.

Snake: Ok guys, here's the way this is gonna' work. We're gonna' just sit and wait until they come back out. We're all gonna' remain in stealth mode, too.

Nash: What? What do you MEAN "sit and wait"? They have to pay for what they did!

Snake: OH-and they WILL! Just not right now…what we want them to do is get nice and comfortable, if you know what I mean.

Hulk _(suddenly getting it)_: Damn…I know EXACTLY what you mean, brah!

Hall: Someone explain to me, mang.

Snake _(sighing)_: Ok, we want them to think as though they left us in the dust and that we're still stranded. That way, they won't be in so much of a hurry and maybe they'll stop off somewhere to get a bite to eat, or something. Do you get me now?

Nash: AHHH…NOW I get it-yeah, I'm feelin' that, you good with that, Scott?

Hall: Mang, whatever gets me more liquor—I'm with it, chico.

_Hall pulls out a 40oz out of his trunks and begins drinking it down with a straw he picked up from off the ground._

_A few minutes pass…_

Hulk: Ok guys, let's get ready, here comes those beaners and their whore!

_The boys watch Eddie and the crew run out of the store, liquor and porn in-hand. Hulk starts his car and watches Eddie's crew pull out and then they follow suit._

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Eddie's car…_

Eddie: Simon, ese…did you remember to pick up that EXTRA porno mag and bottle of liquor, homes?

Shaggy: Aaaaboslutely! A little planning ahead never hurt anyone!

Eddie: I had to do it—I haven't seen Hogan's bunch in far too long—it makes me nervous.

Trish: Yeah, you're right. They could be up to ANYTHING by this point. Hey, Shaggy, give ME the spare porn and liquor bottle—I'll keep them in my shirt!

Shaggy: Zoiks! Great Idea, Trish!

_Shaggy hands the bottle and magazine to Trish, who proceeds t stuff them both down her shirt for safe-keeping._

Trish: There—safe as in my mother's…breasts.

Chavo: Hey, Uncle Eddie, heehee…

Eddie: What is it, Chavito?

Chavo: Well, I stole these x-ray glasses and shit!

Eddie: Hm…do those things actually work, vato?

Chavo looks at Trish's chest…

Trish: Ummm…whathehell do you think you're doing?

Chavo: I'm trying to see your tits, amiga.

_Trish snatches the glasses away from Chavo…_

Chavo: HEEEY…I didn't see anything…well, except for the porn mag, that liquor bottle, an orphanage, a rollercoaster, four sets of swings, 3 lovely things, 2 onion ring…and a partridge in a pear treeeeee!

Trish: Chavo, you know what?

Chavo _(smiling)_: What, amiga?

Trish: Public school owes your ass a refund. That's for sure, there.

_Trish puts the glasses on and looks around the cabin of the car._

Trish: Oooh, Eddie…I see Vickie's pretty lucky, heheheheee!

Eddie: HEYYYY! Why you look at Latino Heat's…business like that?

_Trish takes off the glasses and turns to look out the back window. She notices that CC following them again…_

Trish: Hey…i-is that the same car that was following us before?

Chavo: Hm…looks like it. I don't see anyone familiar, so it must just be a coincidence.

Trish: Yeah, perhaps.

_Trish puts the glasses back on and looks out the side windows at the people walking along the sidewalk. She looks back and notices something strange…_

Trish: What the…fuck—

Eddie: Huh? What's wrong, mami?

_Trish takes the glasses back off and sees the Volkswagen still following them. She puts the glasses back on and sees Hulk's regular car following them—complete with Otacon beating his dick in the front seat._

Trish: Eddie! You klnow that CC that seems to keep following us?

Eddie: Uh, yeah. It's a car full of hot chicks! How can I forget THAT, ese?!

Trish: No it isn't! Chavo looked at me with these glasses on and saw everything I keep in my storage "chest"!

Eddie: Wai, wai-wait…so that means…

Trish: YES! That means that that those goons are in some kind of stealth camouflage!

Chavo: No fucking way!

Shaggy: Zoiks! Our goose is cooked if we slow down!

Scooby: MMMM…ROOSE, ROOSE, A-HEHEHEHEHEEEE!

Shaggy: Now's not the time, Scoob! We have a major problem on our hands!

Trish _(raising an eyebrow)_: Hmm…you know what? They say "ignorance is bliss", right? Well, why not lean INTO that ignorance—you know—make them THINK we don't know what they're up to.

Eddie _(nodding)_: Ah yes, I'm with you, amiga!

Trish: YYYYESSSS! I say that, since this van gets seriously excellent gas mileage, we can use THAT to our advantage, as well—when we drive them all over town! HeeHeeHee! Ol' Hulk's blood pressure is gonna' get a nice rise out of THIS one!

_With that, they all share a hearty laugh as they look back at Hogan and the crew. Meanwhile, in Hogan's car…_

* * *

Hogan _(furrowing his brow)_: What the hell are they all looking at, brother?

Nash: Yeah, and what are they LAUGHING at?

Hogan: Well, whatever it is, they're ass is ours! nWo style, baby! Let's move!

* * *

_Meh…I'll leave it off here this time…_

.

But, don't forget to join me for even MORE action—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	22. Barfights, Fresh Produce, and Porn

_**Allllright! Here we are, back yet AGAIN—for another round of the adventure! Tonight, we're gonna' join up with the battle between DX and the Hardys over in jolly ole' England. Both teams have made it to London, DX is on their way to a nightclub to ask for directions to where this supposed liquor and porn place is. Let's join them, shall we?**_

* * *

HHH: Ok guys…and uh, GIRL…Ahehehe…Here's the plan—I'm gonna' go in here and ask for some directions to…wherever this place is. I'll be right back.

_Trips closes the bus door and enters the club. He approaches the bar…_

Bartender: Hey mate, what can I get ya'?

HHH: Umm…let me get a-a rum and Coke—it's good for my, uh…sugar.

_The bartender nods and goes off to make his drink. HHH leans against the bar with his arms folded, looking around the pretty-much-empty club._

HHH _(mumbling to himself)_: Damn, they need to draw a chalk outline around THIS joint.

_The bartender returns with HHH's drink._

Bartender: Here you are, sir.

_HHH snatches the drink and guzzles it down, in fact, he drank it so fast that, when he was finished, he had some of the mixture running down the side of his cheek._

HHH: Mmm…tasty.

Bartender: Thank you, sir, that'll be 10 pounds.

HHH: 10 pounds? What the hell do you MEAN "10 pounds"? I asked for rum and COKE, not rum and COCAINE!

Bartender _(getting noticeably agitated)_: Look…mate—I said it's 10 pounds! Now pay up and fuck off!

HHH _(ALSO getting a little pissed)_: Hey, hey, what the hell kind of customer service is THIS?

_The bartender smirks and winks. And, just then, HHH doesn't realize that there are 4 big bouncers creeping up behind him._

_Meanwhile, in the bus…_

Sephiroth: …aaaaand that is why I MUST become the most powerful in the universe!

Harry: Dammit.

X-Pac: What's wrong, dude?

Harry: I KNEW I drank too much soda earlier. Be right back, guys, I gotta' take a piss.

Tifa: Um…thanks for telling us.

Harry: Right welcome, you are.

Tifa _(curling up her lip)_: Fucking smart ass.

_Harry exits the vehicle and heads into the club, that by now, have no bouncers at the front door. When he pulls the door open, he can hear a loud crash._

Harry: Maaan, I SO hope he isn't in here trying to show off his damn "power of the pin"…

_Harry walks inside and sees the bartender laid out in a pile of wood that USED to be the bar. He sees HHH standing over him with his arms raised. He also notices the four bouncers sneaking up on HHH!_

Harry: Oh no, HUNTER, behind you!

HHH: Wha?

_Just then, HHH receives a hard left to the jaw, staggering him back a few steps and making him groggy._

HHH _(shaking off the stars)_: H-Harry, use some fuxking magic, or something!

_Harry knew he had to make a decision…_

Harry: I'll be right back, I gotta' PEE

HHH: WHAAAT?

Harry: I SAID—I gotta' PEEEEEE

_One of the bouncers lifts HHH up over his head and as he's up there…_

HHH: WELL FUCKING HURRY BACK!

_Harry nods and thinks, he looks around and sees HHH still up in the air…_

Harry: Hey, Hunter, where's the bathroom?

Hunter _(calming down, for some reason)_: Oh, uh..it's in the back, near the kitchen.

_Suddenly, the bouncer that has HHH up in the air chimes in…_

Bouncer: Um…no, no…I'm pretty sure it's near the uh, coat room. Yeah, that's it kid, go back toward the kitchen, and the coatroom will be on your left. It's just across from it.

Harry: Ok, uh…thanks.

HHH: Harry?

Harry: Yes?

HHH: HEEEEELP MEEEEE!

_Harry nods and runs toward the back. A few seconds later, after he's finished washing and drying his hands, he teleports back out into the club, where one bouncer is repeatedly punching HHH. The strange thing is that as this bouncer was punching HHH, he was stomping on the ground every time he punched. He finished his combo off with a rake to HHH's eyes._

_Harry had seen enough…_

Harry _(waving his hands)_: Inky-winky, dinkly-DIN, dark forces, COME forth and release…the power of the PIIIINNN!

_Suddenly, lightning struck inside the club and the few in attendance just shrugged and continued about their business as the bouncers were all suddenly laid out on the floor and HHH readily pinned each of them as a referee crawled from out of the falled bartender's ass and made the count…_

Ref: 1-2-3!

_A mysterious bell ringing could be heard._

HHH: YESSSS…THE POWER OF THE PINNETH PREVAILETH! BECAUSE IIII AM THE GAMETH!

Harry: Uh Hunter?

HHH: WHOHOOOOO! YOU WERE GREAT, KID! I NEED TO HAVE YOU IN TEAM DX'S CORNER AT THE NEXT 'MANIA, OR SOMETHING! WHAT'S UP?

Harry: Yeah, I'm glad you, uh…WON and all, but we still didn't get directions.

HHH: Damn, we sure didn't, either. Hey, you get a-uh, you got a spell for that?

Harry: Hmm…I got it!

HHH _(smiling)_: Let it rip, kid!

Harry: Inkly-dinkly, masturbation…out of these fallen fools, give us INFORMATION!

_Suddenly, the bartender sits up as if he were Taker no-selling a piledriver, or something._

Bartender: You must go down the street and to the left where you shall find…him—in a white coat. HE will show you the way…to get underground, but beware, that is a place of many evils and you need a password to get in. The password is "the titwank strikes back".

_After he says his piece, he falls back to the floor, limp from the pedigree he received earlier._

HHH: Ok, so we gotta' look for a dude in a white coat to show us the way—ok let's move!

* * *

_HHH and Harry run out to the bus and HBK guns it and runs it on down the street. Now, let's join up with the Hardys and company, as they've finished eating at Cammy's place and are making their way into town…_

Jeff: Maaan…that was an AWESOME meal, Cammy!

Matt: Yeah, fucking TELL me about it, dude!

Cammy: Aww, you blokes are just so sweet, you two! Thanks!

Lita: I meant to tell you, Cammy—your house is fucking AWESOME! I had no idea that Street fighting paid so well!

Ken: It doesn't.

Lita: Huh? What do you mean?

Ken: Haven't you ever played our game? I live on a fucking DOCK, for God's sake!

Ryu: Heh…I live on a ROOF of, well, what USED to be a dojo! When I first started living there, I felt I had SOME source of honor, I mean, living above a DOJO and all!

Katherine: Aww…well, what happened?

Ryu: Hm…the dojo went out of business like 7 years ago. It's now a McDonald's, and yes, the employees harass me to this day! They throw fries at me and call me the McNinja. Even the fucking MANAGER took a shot at me! He said that they're going to name a sandwich called the McNinja!

Matt: Well damn. That's a shame. Um, Ryu?

Ryu: Yeah?

Matt: What'd they say would be on it?

Ryu: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

Lita: Matt—stop being ignorant!

Matt: Just askin'.

Ryu: Ugh…sorry I snapped, guys. It's just that, when you have to live on a roof all these years and some snot-nosed punks tease you constantly, it kinda' gets to you. Sometimes, all the karate in the WORLD can't keep you from losing it.

Matt: Meh…it's cool. I shouldn't have brought it up—I go through a similar fate at MY job. They make me lose to people I CLEARLY should be beating. And it pisses me off!

Ken: HA! Who are YOU tellin'? When that rubbery bitch Dhalsim comes over to fight, he always uses that cheap-ass stretching and kickin' routine and you can't even APPROACH the fucker!

Ryu: So, to finally answer your question—no street fighting doesn't pay shit.

_Just then, Cammy pulls out a knot of bills from out of her bra._

Lita _(wide-eyed)_: Daaaaamn…I don't even earn THAT in one paycheck where I work! How do you have this kind of money, Cam?

Katherine: Giiiiiirl…Cammy's PAID! Tell her, Cammy!

Cammy: Well, I went into business for myself.

Lita: Really? What kind of business?

Cammy: Oh…uh, I sell bootleg pregnancy tests.

Lita: Huh? "bootleg pregnancy tests"? How does that work?

Cammy _(smiling)_: Lita, the way it works is, women buy my product—and MY pregnancy tests come out positive EVERY TIME! It's very good for women who want to get their hustle on, y'know?

Jeff: Daaaamn…you're so cute, but so…EVIL!

Cammy: AAAAHAHAHAHAAA!

Lita: You know what? That—that's fucking brilliant! I'm wondering why the hell I never thought of that! I wouldn't even HAVE to wrestle.

Cammy: Well, all I know is that, me personally—I do USE my product!

Ryu: And, guys, it IS very convincing!

Cammy: Yep, I'm "pregnant" for the 13th time this year! All these men who want to do good by me keep buying me groceries and paying my mortgage, and taking me to the "doctor's"—Oh, when they do, I always ask them to leave and I'll call them to pick me up. I use the money to go to the nearby shopping plaza to buy shoes and pizza, mostly.

Matt: Woooooow…damn, that's a shaaaame, Cammy.

Cammy _(shrugging)_: No shame in MY game, love. Oh, and it DOES stand up in court, as well! Those idiot judges wouldn't know a real pregnancy test from a hole in the ground, hahaha!

Jeff: Remind me never to get on YOUR bad side, Cammy. Whew!

_Cammy notices that they've arrived at the restaurant._

Cammy: Ooh…guys, stop here! We're here!

_Jeff stops the "car" and they all run inside the restaurant. DX sees this as they're heading down the street…_

HHH: NOOOOO…they're beating us!

HBK: Look, I'm not seeing any dude in a white coat—so, fuck whoever he was. We have to get moving!

_DX's bus comes o a screeching halt—half the bus is on the curb, the other half is out in the middle of the street—hell, Tifa was driving, lol._

Tifa: Hurry back, guys!

_HHH and Sephiroth get out and dart into the restaurant.._

Sephiroth: Mortal, look! Over there, let's go!

_HHH and Seph quickly run after Cammy, Ken, Ryu, and the Hardys…_

HHH: Get back here, Hardys!

Sephiroth _(running and panting)_: What, do you think they're just going to turn around, or something?

HHH: Meh…just help me get this shit!

_They finally make it downstairs to the nightclub, which is VERY crowded._

Cammy: Ken, Ryu, try not to lose me!

Katherine: Yeah, that goes for you guys, too! This place is STUPID crowded!

Sephiroth: What the—this place is PACKED!

HHH: I can SEE that, let's go!

_HHH and Sephiroth force their way through the crowd, the club is dark, save for the neon blue strobelights…_

HHH: Dammit, I can't see that damn secret door!

Cammy: GUYS! I found it!

_That gets Sephiroth's attention…_

Sephiroth: HHH, this way!

_HHH and Seph force and push their way through WAVES of people, to a door with a familiar face painted on it…_

_They just saw Cammy's bunch run through the door._

HHH: We gotta' hurry!

_They approach the guard at the door, say the password and now they enter the room, as well._

HHH: Damn, LOOK at this place! Porn…fucking EVERYWHERE! And…fresh produce?

Sephiroth: HA! Forget that, mortal! MY question is whay was Gordon Ramsay's face on the door leading INTO this place?

**Voice:** Wanna' know why, mate?

_HHH and Sephiroth turn and look._

Sephiroth: W-Wait, you're—

* * *

_Aaaaand I'm chopping it off here! Now whose voice could that BE? Who'll get to the porn first? Who'll get to the liquor first?_

.

Well, only one way to find out—join me next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	23. Discovery and Recovery

_**Ok, we're back after a brief hiatus. I'm going to be wrapping this story up as these next 3 chapters will be the last 3! Chapter 25 will be the last of my infamous "PPVs". However, right now, we have to join up with the nWo, who are following Los Guerreros in stealth camouflage mode, not knowing yet that they've been discovered…**_

* * *

Nash: What the hell are they LAUGHING at?

Hulk: Beats me, brother. Let's just keep following them.

_A few minutes later…_

Otacon: Hey, didn't we pass this building about 15 minutes ago, guys?

Hall: Damn, you're right, chico.

Snake _(stroking his chin)_: Hmm…

Hulk: What's up Snake, brother?

Snake: I…I don't know—hey Otacon, do you think that, somehow they may have discovered us?

Otacon: Wha-wha…that's impossible!

Nash: Hm…you know, that WOULD explain why they keep looking back here, giggling.

Snake: Hmm…I have an idea.

_Suddenly, they approach an intersection where the light's turning red. Both the van and Hogan's car come to a halt. Snake pulls his AK-47 from out of his bulletproof vest and hops out of the car, still in stealth camouflage…_

Hogan: Hey Snake, what are you doin', man?

Nash: Yeah, where you goin'?

Snake: I'll be right back!

_Eddie doesn't even see him approaching…_

Eddie: Maaan, Hogan and his band of losers will be SORRY for messin' with Latino Heat! Hahahaha!

_Suddenly, Eddie hears a clicking and feels something cold on his cheek. Snake presses his camouflage button and reappears, with his AK fixated on Eddie's face. _

Trish: Oh shit, it's Solid Snake!

Eddie _(nervously smiling)_: Uh…Heeeeey, uh, senor Solid! What's up, amigo? Ahehe…hehe…

Snake: The liquor, the porn—let's have it!

Eddie: I don't know what you're talking about, ese.

Snake: Don't MAKE this a murder—fork it over, NOW!

_Meanwhile, in Hulk's Maliboob…_

Nash: Damn…I didn't expect him to…fuckin' JACK the beer and porn like THIS, dude.

Otacon: Awesome. Totally…fucking…awesome.

_Hulk takes off his sunglasses, as he can't quite believe what he's seeing._

Hulk: No WAY, brother!

_Cut back to Eddie's "van"…_

Chavo: Yo, Uncle Eddie, this vato's SERIOUS! Trish, give him the shit!

_Trish nervously reaches in her shirt and pulls out the mag and the liquor and passes it to Eddie, who nervously gives it to Snake. Snake looks over the mag, checks the bottle, and smiles, nodding…_

Snake: Nice doin' business with you…bye fuckers! AAAAHAHAHAHAAA! Oh…wait, one MORE thing—

Eddie: We GAVE you the shit, what do you—

_Snake looks around and sees no one else in the vicinity. He cocks his gun and shoots out Eddie's two driver's side tires and sprints back to Hulk's car, jumping in as the Maliboob screeches off._

Hulk: You got the stuff, man?

Snake: Yep, riiiight here, fellas!

Hall: THAT'S how you get shit done, chico! Way to go, Snake, mang!

Snake _(smiling)_: Awww…it was nothin' Let's go, guys.

* * *

_Meanwhile, at Eddie's van…_

Trish _(looking at the tires)_: Damn, he shot the hell out of our tires—Eddie, what are we gonna' DO?

Eddie: Hold on, I'm trying to think, mami.

Chavo: That bald-headed butt-fucker and his…cronies think they got the best of US? They're saaaadly mistaken, ese!

Shaggy _(chewing bubble gum)_: That's right, iddn't it, Scoob?

Scooby: Grrrr…I RATE ROLID RAKE AND ROGAN, GRRRRR!

Shaggy: Damn right, Scoob—now let's figure a way out of this.

_Trish looks at Shaggy and thinks…_

Trish: Hey Shaggy, you have anymore gum?

Eddie: Why are you asking for GUM, mami—we're fucking losing ground, here!

Trish: Just…wait, Eddie—I have an idea!

Chavo _(smiling)_: AlRIGHT—Trish has another idea—I LOVE your ideas!

Shaggy: Sure Trish, help yourself, I've got plenty!

_Trish takes a huge handful and stuffs them all in her mouth at one time. She starts rapidly chewing…_

Eddie: Uh…what are you doing, mami?

_Trish keeps rapidly chewing and then bends over and starts to blow a bubble. The bubble is so big that it lifts the entire bean-van up off the ground. After a couple seconds, she finishes blowing and catches her breath. The van is now hovering in mid-air, and the boys look on, wide-eyed._

Eddie: I SWEAR, ese—you NEVER cease to amaze me, chica! C'mon, everyone, let's hop in!

The crew climb up in the floating van and immediately lift off…

Chavo: Hey, why are we flying? That punk-ass Snake took our stash, dude!

Eddie: Chavito, remember…this is why we brought that EXTRA liquor bottle and magazine, ese!

Chavo: Daaaaamn, that's right, I totally forgot!

Shaggy: Zoiks, this was brilliant, Trish!

Trish _(still panting a little)_: Thanks Shag! That idea came from watching plenty of Saturday Morning cartoons growing up!

Chavo: Damn, I miss Saturday morning cartoons.

Eddie: Yeah, me too, Chavito. Well, anyway, we still have our stash—and look, there's Hogan's bunch in the sky over there!

Trish: Umm…Eddie?

Eddie: Yeah?

Trish: Uh…what about the airplane we stole to get over here?

Eddie: Um…well…I'm sure the airport can do SOMETHING with it. Look at it as a donation from Latino Heeeeeaaaat, baby! Let's MOVE!

* * *

_Meanwhile in Hulk's car…_

Snake _(looking back)_: Damn, there goes Guerrero and his crew!

Nash _(squinting)_: What the hell—what's that…PINK RAFT they're floating on?

Hulk: Hey Snake, can you shoot 'em down at this distance?

Snake: Yeah, I COULD, but I used my last two bullets to shoot out their tires.

Hulk: Dammit! Looks like we're gonna' have to beat them the old-fashioned way.

Hall: You mean, find another way of cheating to beat them?

Hulk: Yep. Exactly, brother!

* * *

_So, it looks like our two Japan teams are approaching the USA, who'll make it there first? Only the next chapter will tell us that one!_

.

So tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	24. It's the FINAL COUNTDOOOOWWWWWNNNN!

_**As Chris Jericho used to say back in his "funny" days-here we are, once agayne! So fasten your seatbelts and put on your helmets-we gon' party. Let's first visit jolly ol' England, where HHH and Sephiroth encounter a strange, mysterious voice…**_

* * *

HHH: Who the hell—

_Just then, Sephiroth and HHH turn around and see, CHEF GORDON RAMAY, HIMSELF!_

Gordon: Excuse me, but, ah…are you two looking for my secret porn stash, by chance?

HHH: Yeah, where is it?

Gordon: Well, like I told that Jeff Hardy wanker, it's over by the squash, just past the bacon.

Sephiroth: Thanks, mortal.

Gordon: In MY kitchen, I'm no mere mortal—for in MY kitchen, I am a GOD!

_HHH and Sephiroth just look at each other and then back at Chef Ramsay._

HHH: Well, in the ring, I am the GAME!

Gordon: What? Are you bloody KIDDING me?

HHH: Nope, I even come with my own referee!

Gordon: I see. Well, I hear you're on this…this…liquor and porn run—I think I should get into the mix!

HHH: What? What are you TALKIN' bout, dude? WWE doesn't HAVE any kitchens!

Gordon: Oh no, my friend—I'm challenging you and YOUR referee to a tag-team match!

HHH: You're doing WHAT?

Gordon: Oh, I think you understand me correctly! It'll be me and my sous chef versus you and your…referee. The loser has to cook an omelet for the winner on NATIONAL BLOODY TELEVISION!

Sephiroth: Damn, are you going to let him just…CHALLENGE you like that, mortal?

HHH: Hell no! You're on, Ramsay! Oh—and by the way—

_HHH kicks Chef Ramsay in the stomach and pedigrees him into the cantaloupes. Gordon is lying there, motionless, and then HHH glances up to see Cammy and Ryu running out of the …store._

HHH: Oh nooooo! C'mon, Seph—we gotta' get'm!

_HHH and Sephiroth quickly scour the place for the magazine and the liquor, find it, and head out the door. Meanwhile, Ken is running past a fallen Gordon Ramsay…_

Ken: DAMN! CHEF, CHEEEEF…WAKE UP, MAN!

Gordon _(shaking the stars off)_: Oh…dear GOD—it was some blue-haired bloke along with some guy in black shiny knickers who looked like he was…PINNING all of the watermelons.

Matt: That's GOTTA' be HHH!

Gordon: Well damn…I think that WAS the bloke's name. Mind if I join you fuckers?

_Ken looks at Jeff and Matt and they both shrug and help the chef to his feet._

Gordon _(shaking off the stars)_: Ok, this way! I know a quick way out of here!

Jeff: Ok, let's move! Cammy and Ryu should have the car ready!

* * *

_So they all follow Gordon out of the club through his "secret exit"—they just took the elevator up to the ground floor. They ran out of the lobby and dove into the waiting "car". Cammy put the petal to the metal and, within seconds, they were hot on the trail of DX, who were trying to pour more Red Bull into the gas tank so that their bus can "grow wings" again. Just then, Jeff sees an open field…_

Jeff: Cammy, quick! Go into that open field and press the rivet on the side of your chair!

_Cammy does so and, once again, the ladder at the bottom of their car teleports on top of the standing ladder and acts as a propeller—you know, just like before. They gradually start to lift off…_

Lita: Hey! I can see DX's bus! Let's hurry out of here!

Gordon _(smelling a stalk of celery)_: Mmm…nothing like fresh ingredients!

Matt: Wha? Huh?

Gordon: If you don't bloody use fresh ingredients in your kitchen, you have no business cooking, mate!

Matt: Um? Who mentioned anything about cooking?

Gordon _(pulling some crabgrass out of his pants)_: Mmm…fresh crabgrass—

Matt: Ew…dude, aren't those weeds?

_Just then, Gordon proceeds to stuff the entire handful of crabgrass in his mouth._

Ken: Dude…you got issues.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in DX's "eckspress"…_

HHH: HOLD THE BUS STEADY, SHAWN, I DON'T WANNA' SPILL THIS!

_HHH is still attempting to pour the Red Bull into the gas line as the bus is moving._

X-pac: Dude, don't fall!

Donald: Yo, if 'dat nigga' fall, I'm-a laugh my feathered ASS off, son!

TIFA: Cut it out, Donald! You ok out there, HHH?

HHH: Just a little-AAAGH, GOT IT!

_Just then, the big, angelic-looking wings once again sprout out on either side of the bus and it ascends into the sky, en route to America._

* * *

_Now, let's visit Japan, where the heated battle between the nWo and Los Guerreros is taking place…_

Trish: Eddie, what are you DOING?

Eddie: It's almost…EGH! DONE, mamacita! THERE! Ok, NOW we can MOVE, ese!

Shaggy: ZOIKS! I don't believe you hooked up that supercharger THAT fast!

Chavo: Oh, my Uncle Eddie is the best! He can hotwire a car in less than 10 seconds, homes!

Trish: Well, well, well…I AM impressed, Eddie. You didn't break the bubble!

Eddie _(proud of himself)_: Well of COURSE not, mami! I'm Latino HEEEEEAAAAT, mami! I don't bullshit around!

* * *

_Meanwhile, In Hulk's cruiser…_

Hulk: What the hell's Guerrero doing?

Nash _(wearing binoculars)_: It looks like that li'l thief put in a supercharger!

Snake: Now THAT'S cheating! We gotta' do something!

_Otacon reappears, whimpering…_

Snake: Otacon, what the hell's wrong with you?

Otacon _(sniffling)_: Ooooh…my dick hurts so baaaad! When I reached for it, it BURNED! See?

_Otacon whips his dick out and the boys groan in disgust and look away._

Nash: Dude, put that away, no one wants to see that!

Otacon: but…but it-it looks like a reddish, ashy pickle, or something!

Snake: You nasty fuck—that's because you rubbed it so often, it's RAW! Wait, hey—isn't that the name of your wrestling show?

Hulk _(rolling his eyes)_: Whatever, brother. Look brother Otacon, you brought that on yourself, dude! You shoulda' ate your vitamins, said your prayers, and got more pussy, dude!

Hall: Tell me about it, mang. I've NEVER seen anyone masturbate as often and as…as BRAZENLY as you, Otacon mang.

Otacon: Yeah, yeah, whatever guys. I ran out of fucking LOTION, here and you all are fucking…busting my BALLS!

Snake: FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN—COULD SOMEONE JUST GET'M SOME FUCKING LOTION?!

_Hall pulls aisle 4 of a drugstore out of his trunk and Otacon runs down the aisle and looks at all the lotion…_

Otacon: Scott, you're KILLIN' me here! You don't have any Lubriderm?

Hall: Sorry mang, the trucks don't come till tomorrow!

_Otacon relents, shrugs, and grabs a bottle of cocoa butter and pushes his stealth camouflage button, disappearing, once again._

Nash: You know, we REALLY need to talk about where you buy your wrestling tights, Scott.

_Scott just takes a swig of champagne from out of the bottle and waves him off._

Hall: Please, mang.

* * *

_So now we have all 4 teams flying directly toward Miami, Florida. We fast-forward 8 hours and join up with Vince, as he's still at his Miami high-rise condo, up on the roof with his cronies Brisco and Patterson…_

Vince: Guys, can you see them?

Patterson: Sorry Vince, no sign of 'em yet.

Vince: How about you, Brisco?

Brisco: Wait, I think I see somethiiiiing…

_Vince excitedly Snatches the binoculars away, and is looking all over the place..._

Vince _(licking his lips)_: Where, WHERE?!

_Suddenly, one of the lenses goes black…_

Vince: AAAGH! What the—

_Patterson and Brisco try to keep from laughing as Vince rubs his eyes, handing the binoculars back to Brisco.._

Vince: What the hell was that, Brisco?

Brisco _(trying DESPERATELY not to laugh)_: Uh…um, a –a seagull pooped on the left lens, Mr. MacMahon. And—and there's some on your shirt, too, .

_Vince angrily starts at Brisco and Patterson, daring them to laugh, as he eases back into his room to change his shirt._

Vince: You two keep an eye out for those idiot employees of mine, hear?

Both: Yes, Mr. Mac/McMahon.

_After Vince goes back in the room, they both glance at each other and bust out laughing before taking their respective posts watching out for the vehicles. Suddenly, Patterson sees something…_

Patterson: Oh shit, here they come. I can tell it's fuckin' HHH because he's…PINNING his OWN vehicle?

Brisco: What?

Patterson: This fucker is LITERALLY LYING on top of his vehicle and, I don't know WHERE that ref came from, but he's actually making a COUNT!

Brisco: You should tell Vince.

_Patterson goes off to tell Vince and Vince runs out and looks…_

Vince: They're really on the way! Look, there's the GAME! THERE'S MY GAAAAAME! Wait—but who's that evil-looking blue-haired fucker? Ah well, we'll find some cruiserweights for him to go over on. Brisco, anyone coming in your direction?

Briscoe: YEP, here they come, Mr. MacMahon!

Vince: ALRIIIIGHT! Guys, let's go back inside and see who can make it in first—I love this part!

* * *

_After about 20 minutes, all 4 teams land on Mr. Mcmahon's rooftop deck AT THE SAME TIME! They all get out of their vehicles and Mr. Mcmahon's rooftop now looks like the Royal Rumble! Ken and Ryu are hurricane-kicking the hell out of Solid Snake, Eddie and Chavo are busy pickpocketing everyone, X-Pac and Harry Potter are practicing their crotch-chops, Cammy, Lita, and Katherine are trying to push past Trish, Tifa, Shaggy, and Donald Duck as Otacon watches from a rooftop corner, masturbating FURIOUSLY because Cammy had a couple of wardrobe malfunctions in her struggling with getting past Tifa; Sephiroth, HHH, and Cloud are trying to break the bulletproof glass on Mr. McMahon's patio door, Gordon Ramsay is making beef wellington while chopping an onion and yelling at Matt Hardy to get him some more basil, Jeff Hardy and HBK take turns jumping off of a ladder, and Scott Hall keeps doing the Razor's Edge on a store mannequin he pulled from out of his tights._

Nash: Um…Scott?

Hall: Yeah, chico?

Nash: What the hell are you doing?

Hall: Um…the Razor's Ed—

Nash: I _**KNOW**_ THE NAME OF THE DAMN MOVE!

Hall: Than, um…what did you—

Nash: HELP me OUT here! Help us get inside!

_A few minutes later, things get serious. All the contestants start pushing up and fighting against the roof patio sliding doors. _

Brisco: Aren't you going to open the door, Mr. MacMahon?

Vince: Naah…let'm fight a little longer—this is fuuun!

_So, a few more minutes pass and Vince FINALLY opens the door. All of the superstars fall inside of Vince's room in a heap. Then, two people get up and hurriedly hand Vince his liquor and porn, which he promptly checks both and he smiles. For the first time in a week, he smiles._

Vince: Well, well, well…I'm kinda' surprised it'd be you who gave me this first but, ah…you and your group meet me at the RAW taping day after tomorrow and I'll give you all the details then. As for the rest of you, the race is over, you all can leave now.

_The two winning groups stay behind as the other stars dejectedly leave. The last star leaving glances back…_

Vince: Yes? What do you want? Dammit, I SAID you may leave now!

_This person, before they leave, sees a crystal vase and knocks it over before leaving._

Vince _(poking his head out the door, shaking his fist)_: HEY, YOU DAMN…SORE LOSER SON OF A BITCH! DON'T LET ME CATCH YOUR ASS IN THE STREET!

_Vince turns around and…_

Vince: I want that bitch in a mixed tag match against the Big Show and Kane!

* * *

_Aaaaand, I'll stop it there. The next chapter is the last one, and it'll also be the last one of my PPV specials, as well!_

.

Hope to see you there—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!


	25. The Obligatory PPV, of Course!

_**Ok folks, this is IT, the last chapter of this harrowing journey. Let's join our two winning groups at RAW as they're about to start the inaugural WWE draft! Now, don't forget, as you're reading this, this IS the year 2002, ok? Ok. Let's move…**_

* * *

Vince: Ladies and gentlemen, let's start the inaugural WWE draaaaaaaft! RAW is represented by the winning team of Team Extreme, Ken, Ryu, Cammy, and their appointed spokesperson tonight-and newest WWE diva-KATHERINE! SmackDown! will be represented by the OTHER winning team-the nWo along with Solid Snake and Otacon! Their spokesperson is 12-time world heavyweight champ, Hollywood Hogaaaaan!

_The audience boos as the RAW spokesperson steps up to the mic._

Voice: Ok, as RAW spokesperson, I pick—CHRIS JERICHO!

Jerry Lawler: Wow! Did you hear that, JR? The new chick, Katherine, picked Y2J!

Ross: I'm sittin' right here, King! Of COURSE I heard her! Now, let's see who the Smackdown Rep is going to pick.

Voice: Uh…on behalf of Smackdown, we pick—The Undertaker!

Ross: Hmm…now THAT's certainly interesting—especially coming from Hogan!

King: Yeah, TELL me about it!

…_so now you see who won._

_Anyway, this continues for the next two hours, over the course of the show at various times. Now, in a move that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the WWE draft, we cut to the PPV—"Al's Wrasslin' Challenge"—sponsored by WWE…and Rob's Check Cashing. Lemme's just give you a quick blow-by-blow rundown of what happened. (Folks, for those who are fans of the first 3 series, and in traditional "Grapefruits" custom, you KNOW this is going to be F-U-C-K-E-D U-P…just sayin'.)_

* * *

**8:00-** Welcome to the PPV! Tonight our show begins with The Brock walking his Heymen down to the ring. It appears Brock is a tad excited- that or his tights have somehow formed into a cone. Heymen brags about Brock appearing on magazines and such. Claims to have killed Hogan's career. I'm still giggling at "The next Small thing" in Brock's tights. Boy those roids...

**8:07-** Still pushing RAW on Monday is Heymen. Brock talks, and better than Heymen almost. The Rock gets called a bitch and of course he comes out to see what the hubbub is. Rocky walks back and forth 503 times and tries desperately to remember his catch phrase. Then he repeats himself 506 times and calls Brock a monkey uterus or something. The words "Bring it" have now officially become human and have filed a lawsuit against Rocky for abuse. Suddenly Trish and Guerrrorororororo attack Rocky as he slowly walks to the ring.

**8:15-** The camera cuts to Edge because we need to see him walking to the arena late. Trish and Gueeororor are angry that Edge didn't listen to HHH in the meeting and they attack him. I bet Edge will be on time from now on. NEXT TIME SHUT UP AND SPEAK OUT IN THE MEETINGS YOU BUG EYED JERK!

**8:16-** Hurricane and Donald Duck come out to battle Nobel and Tajiri. Boy, that Donald can hit a meeean dropkick! Lots of action. Kick, flip kick, flip a kick a flip and for a change of pace... A FLIP! Nidia pretends to give Donald Duck a blowjob and ducks while Tajiri KICKS him. Meanwhile, backstage, Matt Hardy looks at Donald getting blown and a tear runs down his cheek. But, the good news is-Microsoft word recognizes the word blowjob as a single word. YAY GATES!

**8:21-** A series of deadly kicks and flips ensue. CHOKE SLAM CHOKE SLAM! Donald wins the match with a power bomb reversal. Who the FUCK is this guy? God I want Nidia.

**8:23-** Matt Hardy comes out and saves the day and forces Hurricane and Donald to grab his balls. Matt does the whole "team extreme" gimmick and doesn't realize that the audience was cheering for Lita. The crickets even refuse to chirp.

**8:24-** Steph reprimands Trish and Gueoeororoe for eating tacos and bacon or beating up everyone and it looks like Eddie has a third nipple—oh wait, that was taco meat. Edge comes out and hits them with a chair. Makes Steph give him a tag team match TONIGHT IN-THIS-VERY-RING! Oh, I miss Shane. Booking on the fly LIVES!

**8: 28-** Matt Hardy pretends that he's popular. Goes back out to the crowd and three people stand up to go to the bathroom. This is sad. Chavo Gueorororororo comes out to save this pathetic spot. Calls him a white boy. Isn't that racist? Cole is excited that he gets to use "Impromptu Match" for the one hundred and forty second billionth time. Pretty quick paced match. Matt Hardy goes to tag Jeff and remembers that he's stupid. An arm or something falls off in the ring and the ref kicks it to see if it's alive. Matt tries to catch Chavo off the top rope and Matt forgets that he's only 102 pounds and can't catch a breeze in a windstorm. KANE COMES OUT WITH A MORE GROSSLY OVER-PRODUCED ENTRANCE THAN HIS BROTHER'S OLD ONE! THOUGH FAHRE AND BRIMSTOWNE FROM HELL HE COMES BY GAWD! Ok, he didn't. Chavo steals the win.

**8:36-** Matt asks the ref where did he get that pretty baby blue shirt because it's Jeff's birthday soon and he needs something to match his pubes. Cut to Funaki and his Murret. GET IT? MURRET? HE'S JAPANESE! MULLET = MURRET! Ah, fuck you. Break.

**8: 42-** Back with Funaki... Struggling to speak. NAKED NIDIA! OMG! Morry Horry complains. NAKED NIDIA! I still find Molly very hot. NAKED NIDIA! Cole has a smile like a f'n child on his face. NAKED NIDIA!

**8:44-** Rey Ray talks good for a wetback. He should dry that sweat off his back (HAH HAH NICE SAVE!) Angle interrupts with some black stuff on his head. Makes some jokes and brings the show up two notches BAM! Says he's going to rape Rey's eye socket if he messes with him in his match. Well he was thinking it. Sick FUCK!

**8: 50-** AN-GLE! AN-GLE! AN-GLE! AN-GLE! So glad he got rid of that ridiculous "A" on his singlet. Still wears white boots so he won't be getting a title anytime soon. Shaggy walks out, slowly. I think Kurt has been lowered to cruiserweight or something. Poor Angle, doesn't he realize the boots are cursing him? He's losing effectiveness faster than Mark Henry's push lasted. Kurt smacks a "plant" in the crowd wearing a Rey mask. Ok, someone stop this match.

**8:58-** I know people complain about matches being short but fuck! Huh Huh, I said butt fuck. Ref bump and I guess we're in for another 15 minutes. Obligatory steel chair spot. Ref wakes up and counts like he's broken his arms.

**9:02-** Rey comes out and screws Angle yet again. Match still goes on. Kurt gets counted out. Angle beats up Shaggy for staying in the ring in pain I guess. HE lost the battle, but he'll win the WAR! Suddenly, Katherine comes running down the aisle with a steel chair and whacks Angle from behind. Angle turns and starts to back her up into a corner. That's when the Street Fighter theme song starts blaring over the speakers. Ken and Ryu come running out and enter the ring. Ken just keeps hurricane-kicking from one side of the ring to the other. Katherine's watching this and scratching her head in bewilderment. Ryu swings Angle to the ropes and damn near Hadoken's Angle's head off. He picks Angle back up and prepares to hit a dragon punch, but Angle ducks out of the ring. Boy, the action's HOT tonight! FINALLY A BREAK!

**9:05-** Gonna' go to an advertisement-Brock is on the next WWE Confidential. We get to find out when his head got stuck in a bucket and kept its shape. This is a REALLY cool Brock spot. GO to hell HHH! I like Brock. He takes a bath in f'n ice!

**9:09-** Rock and Edge talk. Rock says Guerororo did the macarena on his ribs…really. WAS THAT A RACIAL JOKE, ROCK? HUH, MR. MORALS? Go steal then eat a raw basketball you fucking hypocrite. OMG! I think the Rock just said he's going to take off his testicle and spit it up Trish's candy ass! I'm not even kidding. He just fucking said that. That was very disturbing. _**And here you readers think I'M sick?**_

**9:15-** John Cena looks like a f'n Oompalomp. Rev Devon comes out with his answer for Brock. Why isn't Batista getting a push? He's like a mirror of Brock. SICK f'n chop from Devon. Kishi slaps his ass 200 times. That is one fat ass! Batista's ass rivals Kishi's. All Samoans do Samoan drops for some reason. I'm fucking HUNGRY!

**9:19-** Kishi gone back dat ass up. Tazz says Kishi cuts him off with a high knee. GET IT? HEINY! Booty time! Why do they let him rub his ass in their faces? Do they HAVE TO? Devon screams "I'M ANGRY AT YOU!" (...THAT'S why he wasn't pushed folks.) Batista leaves Devon to be demolished. Wave goodbye to any future push for Devon.

**9:23-** Ohhh Nidia's tiddias. NAKED NIDIA! Break? NOOOOOOOOO!

**9:28-** Cole warns us that Nidia plans to strip after the match. Yeah, I've heard that before. Remember The Kat? Molly does have a saweeeet ass. I'm praying for some lesbo action. PLEASE!

**9:29-** Just as I was hoping, here come Lita and Cammy, walking down the ramp, eating popcorn BUTT-NAKED…and they're making out, too. They slide into the ring and distracts the ref as Molly feels Nidia's ass and rolls her up for the 1-2-3!

**9:30- **Molly won with a nice move that NO ONE CALLS. No strip show. Thank god for Jamie Noble, who makes Nidia strip anyhow. Dammit Molly. No Strip show again.

**9:31-** Vince suddenly drops down from the ceiling and announces that, as punishment for breaking his vase at his condo, the next match—IN THAT VERY RING-will be The Big show and Kane versus Sephiroth and…his daughter, Stephanie!

**9:32-** Steph is backstage and looks horrified. HHH is trying not to laugh.

**9:33-** Sephiroth comes out to a chorus of boos, as he's being accompanied by his manager, Gordon Ramsay. Gordon's yelling expletives at the crowd as he and Sephiroth head down the aisle as his _Kitchen Nightmares_ theme song blares in the background. On the way down the aisle, Gordon makes one little boy cry (aawwww). The little boy was booing, but had a very nasally voice that got on Ramsay's nerves. Ramsay pulled an onion from out of his pants and started chopping it infront of the little boy AND his mama! After about 30 seconds, the little boy started crying and Gordon YELLED at him to "C'mon, you l'il WANKER! BE A MAN!" The crowd REALLY started booing as Gordon smirked and continued down the aisle with Sephiroth.

**9:38-** Steph comes out after successfully confusing the crowd whether to boo or cheer for her earlier. Total silence. This bitch really needs to choose a side. The announcer announces them as the team of "Seph-n-Steph" the crowd laughs a little and then Kane and Show come out and enter the ring.

This match is pretty short. When the bell rings, Kane tries to intimidate Sephiroth by raising and lowering his arms, making his pyro go off. Sephiroth smirks and raises one hand—a lightning bolt strikes big show AND Kane and Sephiroth tags in Stephanie, who makes the easy pin on Kane. Suddenly, from the back—Cloud hits the ring! Security floods out to the ring to separate the two mortal enemies aaaaaannnnd…we cut to a break. Amongst all of the hubbub in the ring, HHH sneaks in and pins Kane and Big Show and then quietly leaves through the crowd.

**9:41-** Latino heat. Yay! Had to go move my car. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything.

**9:46-** Yep, the match ain't even started yet. Rock runs out in full stride as only he does. LAZY OBVIOUS ALERT!-** Lots of back and forth action!** *CHEERS* Sick face plant from Edge to Trish. I just noticed that the only move that was called all night was the Shining Wizard. God Cole and Tazz suck ass as an announce team. Yeah, so Rocky tags in and of course makes Trish look bad.

**9:53-** Guerororororororororo works on Rocky's ribs. Mmmm ribs. Trish works on Rocky's ribs. God I'm hungry. TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP! Nope, Rocky still has life in him. Rocky Road...Mmmm. This match is falling apart quickly. Something better happen. Shit... Edge almost killed Eddie! He grabbed his leg and he fell from the top and it looked sick. Remember Eddie's debut frog splash? His first f'n move and he breaks his elbow. LOL!

**9:58-** Rock bottom to Trish. 1 2 3! Yay! Oh no—the nWo appeared out of thin air—well actually, they were all wearing stealth camouflage and have surrounded the ring. They look hungry. Or is it me? They try to bumrush the ring and Rock and edge are trying to fight them off, but Solid Snake hits Edge in the nuts with his Ruger and that's when the numbers game takes hold. Razor's edge on Edge, Jackknife on Eddie outside the ring! Nash yells, _"That's for that bullshit back at the petrol station!"_ Hogan is continually legdropping the Rock as Otacon keeps Trish trapped in the corner.

Hogan pulls out a bottle of yellow spray paint from out of his tights and sprays a yellow line up and down the back of the fallen Rock. That's when the music hits—"Ah, oh Shawn…" HBK comes flying (literally) down the aisle hand-in-hand with Harry Potter and the nWo leave the ring.

* * *

_A/N-Folks, I want to thank everyone who has read, reviewed, favorite, alerted, and everything. You all are the best, and, if I could, I'd buy you ALL a few rounds! Thanks again, without you people, I'd have had little motivation to keep going with this as far as I have. _


	26. Epilogue

I thought that wrapping up Grapefruits, the Adventure 4 would just be the end. I was wrong. I got started thinking—this thing needs an epilogue. So, here it is!

* * *

Otacon introduced stealth technology to the WWE. Now it turns out that the nWo developed a "Metal Gear Solid Stealth" division, led, of course, by Hogan's lieutenants Otacon and Solid Snake. They're in charge of uploading streaming media of the divas in various compromising positions, both in matches and in the locker rooms.

* * *

Sephiroth and HHH finally had their big match at WrestleMania. Stephanie came running down the aisle eating two subs at one time. HHH asked her what she was doing there and, in a shocking turn of events, she threw some of the lettuce from her sub in HHH's ffface. Sephiroth then pedigreed HHH through the ring mat and scored an easy 1-2-3. The mixed team of Seph n' Steph are topping the rankings.

* * *

Matt Hardy FINALLY convinced Lita to give him head! It was on Valentine's day, 2003. Lita went down on him, and, while it was good to him at first, Matt started getting uncomfortable. He said, "Uh, Lita, sweetie, could you ease up a little?"

Lita: What do you MEAN, "ease up"? This is what you wanted, mmmmmmmm…

Matt: Lita, the sheets are going up my ass!

Lita: See? Doesn't that feel good, Matt?

Matt: Dammit! That's not the point, the mattress just went up my ass…and why is the damn…ENTERTAINMENT center making its way over here? AAAAAAGH!

* * *

Trish and Cammy started the WWE's first lesbian tag team—the team of "Trammy". (Sort of like "tranny", but using and "m" instead of an "n"—oh you get it.) They're the number one contenders to the WWE tag team championships. They're facing the Dudley Boys at the Royal Rumble for the titles. At Wrestlemania, Trish almost lost her partner Cammy to the hands of Buh-Buh Ray when Cammy did a cannon-drill toward Buh-Buh, he blocked it and then picked her up and started dry-humping her in the middle of the ring. Trish tried to run over and stop him, but D-Von intercepted her with a flying chair swing. TESTIFY, MA' BROTHA'!

* * *

Katherine and Lita formed a tag-team, also. Katherine put a hex on HHH and made him lay down motionless in the ring. She ran to the back and flashed her side-boob to commissioner Mick Foley and it convinced him to make a match for the WWE heavyweight championship. She then called Lita down to ringside and had her pin a motionless HHH in the middle of the ring. Yep, that's right fans-LITA is the new 2003 world heavyweight champion! Katherine was able to stop DX from interfering by playing HBK's music over the loudspeakers-since his ego's so big, he just HAD to dance and shake his bootay! she stopped X-Pac by having a half-naked Chyna jump out of the aisle and chase him around the arena, she stopped Billy Gunn and Road Dogg by having Tommy Dreamer and the Dudleys take them out with tables, SHOVELS, and chairs (oh MY!), and she stopped Harry Potter, Cloud, and Tifa by running down the aisle and clotheslining all 3 of them. Cloud tried to use his sword, which is strong to fire attacks, but it turns out that, when he was clotheslined, his energy bar went to zero because his sword wasn't strong to clotheslines from OCs.

* * *

Donald Duck and Booker T became good friends; now, what those two have in common, I'll never fucking know.

* * *

Gordon Ramsay is the new Cruiserweight champion! He defeated Billy Kidman by throwing curry powder in his eyes while his star pupil, sous chef Matt Hardy, had the referee distracted. That night, he developed a new finisher called "Proper Seasoning". He'd use a variety of powdered spices—usually found at the Dollar Stores—to finish off his opponents. His opponents started complaining of smelling like celery root and curry "all the damn time". He once tried to use soy sauce to beat Tajiri, but Tajiri caught it and spat it back in Gordo's face. Gordon yelled, "AGH…BLOODY HELL!" The only problem was that the ref SAW Tajiri spit it in Gordon's face and Gordon, blinded by soy sauce, rolled out of the ring rubbing his eyes with his dish towel, but retaining the WWE Cruiserweight championship.

* * *

Vince drank so much Glenlivet, and so much Jaegermeister; he saw so many "Milky Mams" and "British Bums", that he lost all mental control. He put Harry Potter in a hardcore match against Linda McMahon, Terry Funk, and Chris Jericho. To keep things short, Harry won the match due to casting a 3-second sleeping spell on Y2J. He then casted a spell on Vince! Harry called Vince down to ringside, Vince came strutting out and Harry said, "Inkly, dinkly, binkly, berm, make Vince's balls continually fill with sperm! And, at that moment, history was made—Vince's sperm would keep developing at a rate of 9 times the normal rate. His balls would constantly swell and Vince would constantly have to masturbate to alleviate the symptoms. He tried to get his wife Linda to swallow all of it, but, after about a gallon, she no longer even had an appetite. Vince was last seen yelling from his hospital bed, "NUUUUUUUUURRRRRSE, I NEED TO BE DRAAAAAAAAANK AGAAAAAIIIIIIN!"

* * *

NOW, it's the end! I love you ALL!


End file.
